Adoptive Family Articles
Adoption and Infertility

Each year millions of couples face difficulty in conceiving a child. While some are able to succeed with the aid of infertility treatments, others find themselves wondering if becoming a parent simply isn't in their destiny.

The truth is, infertility is found across the world, in every country, state and city. According to the National Women's Health Resource Center (NWHRC), approximately 6.1 million couples in the United States - or 10 percent of all couples of childbearing age - have had difficulty conceiving.

For many couples, infertility is an invisible loss - one that is very personal and oftentimes is not understood by friends and family. All too often, couples merely hide their sorrow, pushing it out of their thoughts, going on with their normal day-to-day routine. However, it is important that couples do not minimize or overlook their feelings. Feelings of anger, hurt, disappointment and loss are normal emotional reactions to infertility, and should not be dismissed.




Why Adopt a Child?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Without adoption, I wouldn’t be where I am. I probably wouldn’t even be here today.”
       - Ted, adoptive father

A countless number of people feel exactly the same way as Ted. They feel life is meaningless without the gift of becoming a parent.

For that reason, thousands of people every year choose to adopt a child. And like Ted, without adoption, many of these people would be lost; their lives would be unfulfilled because of infertility.




Beyond Infertility
Standing vis-à-vis with the reality of infertility, even after following through with the myriad treatment possibilities, often proves to be among the most trying times couples will ever experience, many say.
 
Processing through the reality of infertility – from learning the news to pursuing treatment and beyond – is a physically and emotionally taxing experience. However, while these couples often feel like the world is packed full of glowing, pregnant women, the reality is that infertility is very common. In fact, of all reproductive-age couples in the United States, approximately 10 percent experience infertility.
 
People choose adoption for a variety of reasons, but it is estimated that between 11 and 24 percent of couples who choose adoption do so after exhausting infertility treatment options.
 
But when the decision is made to pursue adoption, it should be just that: a decision that is made to pursue adoption, following emotional closure from hopes of conceiving biologically.
 
Psychologist Dr. Janice Sidelnik explains why:
 
“This is how closure can take place – it’s like crossing a bridge,” she says. “Crossing the bridge is much easier with this acceptance, even though our prior history will always be an important part of our lives, the next stage is much healthier once those conflicts, including the disappointment many couples feel with infertility treatments, with those all closed up.”



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Is Adoption Right for Your Family?

For many couples, the decision about whether or not to pursue adoption can be a hard one. The pain of infertility, coupled with failed infertility treatments and the rollercoaster of emotions that goes along with it can leave couples wondering if they will ever experience the joy of parenthood -- and whether or not they are ready to move on to adoption.

In order for an adoption journey to be a successful one it must be a decision that is fully accepted by both spouses. It is not uncommon for one spouse to be ready to move forward with adoption while the other remains unsure. Individual people grieve and handle difficult situations differently. It is important that each spouse allows the other to fully grieve and move past infertility at their own pace. If someone is not ready for the adoption process, or is not fully on board, it can often lead to complications with the adoption process itself. A spouse also should not feel pressured into pursing adoption simply because the other wants it.




Advantages of Adoption

The advantages of adoption are, quite simply, endless. Whether it’s helping the birth mother continue her education, giving an infertile couple the joy of parenting, or providing a child with countless opportunities in life, the advantages of adoption are everywhere you look. However, not all of the advantages are always on the surface, as many are cumulative and continue to develop over time.




Will Adoption Really Fulfill Our Dreams of Becoming Parents?
Each year, thousands of couples realize their dream of parenthood through adoption. Just because adoption may be a couples second choice, that doesn’t mean it’s second best!
 
While the path to adoption for many couples is often a long one, often including struggles with infertility and many sleepless nights wondering if they will ever be called “mom” or “dad,” adoption can be the key to making those dreams of parenthood come true.
 
No matter what your reasons are for considering adoption, just remember that it isn’t biology that makes a “mommy” or “daddy” – it is the sweet bedtime stories, the loving hugs, the carefree laughter and the feeling a child has knowing that you will forever love them, unconditionally.



The Role Flexibility Plays in Adoption

When pursing adoption, it is best that you and your spouse examine just how flexible you are regarding potential adoption situations vs. how long you are willing to wait for "the call."

Adoption is a personal decision and it becomes even more personal when considering what types of adoption and adoption situations you and your spouse are open to. While some couples are open to adopting a child of a different race or nationality than themselves, others find themselves uneasy with that prospect. Instead, many couples prefer to limit their adoption parameters, such as only being open to one race or are not willing to consider any adoption situations where the birth mother may have a certain medical or drug use history.

While this adoption journey is yours, it is also important to carefully step back and consider all aspects of your adoption, weighing what is most important to you and your spouse against other aspects that may not seem so important, after all. While it is perfectly OK to be strict in your adoption preferences, you should also recognize that this could impact your wait time. Couples who are stricter in their adoption preferences typically experience a longer wait time than those who are more open to various situations. For instance, if you and your spouse are only comfortable with adopting Caucasian newborn domestically whose birth mother reported no drug usage and a limited medical history, than you will likely endure a longer wait. However, if you are open to adopting an African-American child, or a child whose mother may have reported light drug use during her pregnancy, then you will likely experience a shorter wait. The same also applies to international adoptions -- if you are very strict in your preferences, you may wait longer for a referral that meets your parameters. 



Do We Need to Look Like Movie Stars?
The adoption process is a very personal one for waiting families. First, they must provide financial, medical and other personal information during the home study process, then they share a snapshot of their personal lives in their family profile. It is perfectly normal for waiting families to experience anxiety about having their lives be such an “open book.”
 
Once a family is active with an agency and their family profile is being shown to expectant mothers, it is also common to experience some anxiety about what impression those birth parents are getting of the family. Many waiting families worry that perhaps they aren’t attractive enough – that they must look like Tom Cruise or Nicole Kidman to adopt a child. However, this is untrue.
 
Birth parents choose adoptive families for many reasons. To some birth parents, it is important that their child grow up in a specific region or state because they envision their child spending their days at the beach, or running through a field in the Midwest. Other birth parents want their child to be brought up in a specific religion and will therefore only consider families that are of that religion, while others want their child to grow up in a household with other children. Just as each adoption story is unique, so are the wants and desires of the birth parents.



What if a Spouse is Struggling with Adoption?

As every family begins their adoption journey, it is vitally important that they have properly moved from infertility to adoption. It is important to realize that infertility is an invisible loss. In most cases, moving toward adoption requires emotional maturity and grief recovery. It is important for both spouses to grieve the inability to have a child biologically in order to heal emotionally and prepare for adoption.

The stages of grief that one feels through this process do not always happen in order and often overlap into each other. Normal emotions that one can expect to move through in the grief process are: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and eventually acceptance. Spouses must talk with each other and identify where each one is in the grieving process. It is not uncommon for one spouse to be ready to move toward adoption sooner than the other. However, it is important that both spouses are on the same page and ready to move forward together as a team. If spouses are not openly communicating with each other, it can lead to one person unknowingly sabotaging the adoption process leading to more grief for the family. It is not uncommon for a person to suppress their emotions regarding infertility, which often results in withdrawal, apathy or anger towards infertility or the adoption process. These emotions can occur in both spouses, but it may be seen more commonly in men. If these emotions are present and not worked through, it may cause problems with the adoption process.




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