What if a spouse is struggling with adoption?

As every family begins their adoption journey, it is vitally important that they have properly moved from infertility to adoption. It is important to realize that infertility is an invisible loss. In most cases, moving toward adoption requires emotional maturity and grief recovery. It is important for both spouses to grieve the inability to have a child biologically in order to heal emotionally and prepare for adoption.

The stages of grief that one feels through this process do not always happen in order and often overlap into each other. Normal emotions that one can expect to move through in the grief process are: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and eventually acceptance. Spouses must talk with each other and identify where each one is in the grieving process. It is not uncommon for one spouse to be ready to move toward adoption sooner than the other. However, it is important that both spouses are on the same page and ready to move forward together as a team. If spouses are not openly communicating with each other, it can lead to one person unknowingly sabotaging the adoption process leading to more grief for the family. It is not uncommon for a person to suppress their emotions regarding infertility, which often results in withdrawal, apathy or anger towards infertility or the adoption process. These emotions can occur in both spouses, but it may be seen more commonly in men. If these emotions are present and not worked through, it may cause problems with the adoption process.

Withdrawal- This occurs when the spouse wants to avoid talking about infertility or adoption all together. Of course, it should be recognized that everyone has periods of time where they do not wish to think or talk about things. This should be respected at times, but if this is a constant pattern, there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed so the spouse can move toward adoption in a healthy manner. Attending counseling sessions together where both spouses can talk openly in a safe environment about their feelings may be a good option to help someone open up honestly.

Apathy- This occurs when the spouse will engage briefly in conversations about adoption but rarely offer anything other than small comments or thoughts. Apathy is a lack of concern, which is often a result of an individual who has not dealt with their feelings of disappointment and anger about infertility. The person is trying to ignore these emotions, but still trying to please their spouse by moving forward. In the long run, trying to ignore these emotions will prove impossible and eventually will exhibit themselves later as anger. Counseling may also be beneficial if this is being exhibited because apathy and withdrawal both happen when a spouse has not fully dealt with their infertility disappointments. The spouse needs to understand the normalcy of their thoughts and emotions and be given a safe place and amount of time to work through them.

Anger- Anger is simply an overload of emotions and is a normal emotion for one to experience throughout infertility. For example, a spouse might feel disappointment that infertility treatments have not worked. A spouse might experience anger toward themselves or their spouse for not being able to achieve pregnancy. A spouse might feel hope surrounding each new treatment and then disappointment when it fails. A spouse might feel frustration about the amount of money that has been spent on failed treatments. A spouse might feel vulnerable in not being able to protect his/her spouse from infertility disappointments. Often these feelings of disappointment manifest themselves in anger.

If a spouse has not taken time to adequately address these feelings and work through the emotions, it is natural that the adoption experience will carry excess baggage and cause turmoil. A spouse who is not fully accepting of adoption might be more skeptical regarding such things as adoption fees, birth parent's intentions and the process in general. The spouse will focus on obscure details not within their direct control and put up roadblocks to the process. Focusing on details offers the spouse an element of control that is lacking in how they feel about fertility disappointments. Focusing on the wrong areas in adoption and not fully accepting the process is not healthy and will leave both spouses feeling frustrated and will ultimately make the adoption process more difficult than it actually is. Overreacting to the adoption process is typically a sign that one or both spouses have not grieved properly. If both spouses cannot accept the differences between adoption and pregnancy and let go of the factors they cannot control, they may not be fully ready to adopt. As hard as it will be, each spouse needs to put to rest the idea of having a child biologically. This does not mean that this loss will ever fully diminish or go away, but a couple who has accepted adoption will be excited to parent a child and no longer focused on becoming pregnant.

There are many informational books that can be helpful through this process, however, finding a good counselor who can make sense of your feelings can be helpful. Also, finding a support group or people who have experienced these same emotions can help put things into perspective for both spouses.