Creating a Family by Birth and Adoption

Years ago, if you went to an adoption agency seeking to adopt a child after having had a child by birth, you were turned down. It just wasn't done. It was thought that you shouldn't mix the two—the children would be too different, and the difference would be insurmountable. Professionals advised against it.

Of course, the reverse order of adding children to a family was outside the control of adoption agencies. A couple might adopt first, and then have a biological child. That was their own business. But you still didn't see many families with both birth and adopted children.

Today, we see all kinds of combinations of children in many kinds of blended families, including families with children by birth and adoption. Nowadays, adoption agencies certainly place children with families who already have biological children. In fact, when agencies recruit adoptive families for children with special needs, they look for adults with parenting experience. It is considered a plus. Birth parents who are given the opportunity to select an adoptive family sometimes like the idea that the child they are placing will have a sibling, especially if they had positive sibling relationships themselves—or always wished for a sibling.

Since the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse receives a number of requests for information on families with children by birth and adoption, we prepared this factsheet for prospective parents to address the following concerns:

1. What are your hopes and expectations about siblings in a family?
2. What are the particular issues associated with raising children by birth and adoption together?
3. How can you minimize sibling rivalry?
4. What are some resources available to help parents?

Not much had been written on this subject until recently, and a lot of what has been written is anecdotal. This factsheet attempts to synthesize what is available to help parents who are considering blending birth and adopted children or who already have created a family in this way.

Before You Adopt

In the Clearinghouse factsheet "The Sibling Bond: Its Importance in Foster Care and Adoptive Placement," we discussed how the sibling relationship can be the longest lasting relationship that people have, lasting even longer than the relationship with parents, spouse, or children. That discussion was in the context of advocating placing biological siblings together in a foster or adoptive family when removal from the birth family is necessary. In thinking about creating a family through birth and adoption, however, it might be a good idea to focus on your own experience with siblings, and your hopes and expectations about siblings in a family.

In the book Siblings Without Rivalry, authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish relate how, when they discuss sibling issues with parents and teach them skills to minimize sibling rivalry among their children, the parents often reflect on their own experiences growing up. Their place in the family—oldest, youngest, or middle—figures prominently in their memories. One woman's mother always compared her unfavorably to a more musically talented younger sister. Another man's parents never protected him from a bullying big brother. These individuals had troubled adult relationships with their siblings that were not necessarily the sibling's fault. Often the people in Faber and Mazlish's discussion groups would end a description of the comparisons or the fights with their siblings with the expression "To this day... ." One would say, "To this day I feel like I have to be the responsible one." Another would say, "To this day, I'm the peacemaker in any disagreement." Thus, we know that sibling relationships are very significant in people's lives, and that parents have a lot to do with how those relationships are perceived and integrated into a child's sense of self.

This factsheet addresses the concerns of families who have—or are considering having—children by both birth and adoption. As you will see, most of the information applies both to cases where the adopted child is the first to join the family and to those where a birth child precedes an adopted child. First, however, we consider those of you who are thinking about adopting a child after you have had a child by birth.

Thinking About Adoption When You Have a Birth Child

There may be any number of reasons why you are thinking about adopting now. Maybe the first pregnancy happened easily, but the second one isn't happening so easily. Maybe the first pregnancy occurred only with the intervention of costly and invasive medical procedures that you do not want to go through again. Maybe you have a humanitarian concern: you have been fortunate to have one child by birth and now you would like to provide a home for a child already on the planet who needs one. Perhaps you come from a big family and always envisioned a home with lots of kids running around, but biology seems to have provided you with "only" one or two.

Whatever your thinking, there are some additional questions to consider. (Some of these come from the article "Completing the Dream" by Joan Rabinor in the newsletter of Resolve of the Washington Metropolitan Area.)

• Can you love and bond with an adopted child as much as you've bonded with your biological child?
• You have a wonderful child. Why invite trouble? (This may be other people's attitude as much as yours. How will you deal with this?)
• Will your extended family favor your biological child?
• To what degree are you willing to accept differences among your family members in terms of ethnicity, physical traits, special needs, and inherited abilities? How will that differentness affect your other child? (The Clearinghouse factsheet "Transracial and Transcultural Adoption" may be helpful.)
• If you pursue adoption, are you giving up on the hope of another pregnancy? Can you seriously consider adoption while still trying to get pregnant?
• Will you always wish you had tried a little longer to get pregnant again?
• How much should you involve your child in the preparation for adoption?

The first question, the one about bonding, is very important. Your answer must be yes. But a feeling of closeness does not necessarily develop overnight. You will need to work at it, particularly if you adopt an older child who callenges you with difficult behavior, or who turns out to be a person who is quite different from you. And it can take a while even with a baby. Your biological child will watch your behavior and listen to the words you express about how family members are adjusting to one another. You will need to model acceptance, love, and inclusiveness if you want your biological child to start to feel those feelings, too.

The last question is significant as well. ordinarily when a couple is trying to get pregnant again, they do not share that information with an older child, nor do they ask for the child's blessing. Usually parents know what their child thinks about having more children in the family. It is something that has come up in conversation as they have observed friends and relatives adding children to their families.