September 03, 2006

Adoption Profile Question

Hi Megan, we like to read through the profiles of other waiting families and there are definitely some differences in all the families, but we also notice a lot of similarities. What do birth mothers look for in an Adoptive Family? Will it hurt our wait time if I’m not a stay at home mother?

Great question! I find that many families enjoy reading the different family profiles because you can feel a sense of connection with them and also find ideas for ways to make your own profile stand out. The good thing is that no two birth mothers are exactly alike, which means there will be a birth mother for every prospective family.

I know some families find that very hard to believe as time passes with no word of a match, but it just means that the right birth mother for you has not come along yet. Birth mothers may choose families for some of the following reasons (these are all reasons I have heard from birth mothers that I have worked with about why they chose a family they did):

• Family’s ability to stay at home, flexible work schedules and/or extended family close by who can care for the child
• Family has no children and birth mother wants to bless them with her child
• Family has a child/children already and birth mother likes the idea of her child having sibling(s)
• Family shares similar religious beliefs
• Family’s age
• Family’s physical characteristics are similar to her own
• Family states that they are open to having a relationship with her and staying in touch via phone/email/photos/letters
• Family has pets and she loves animals so there is a common bond
• Family has similar career path as her or her family members
• Family’s letter touches her emotionally; not sure why, but feels like the right family
• Family has same hobbies as her or her family members
• Family looks very happy and loving in their photos; are smiling a lot; look fun
• Family is young and active

As you can see, it varies and there are many reasons that a birth mother may be drawn to a certain family. Please remember that this is not an all-inclusive list at all. Birth Mothers sometimes are just drawn to you for a reason you may not even expect. For example, we heard once from a birth mother that she chose the family because the Adoptive Mother crocheted and her own mother crocheted.

Most birth mothers probably select a family based on several different reasons as opposed to just one, but this gives you an idea of types of things a birth mother may be drawn to. I could continue on, but hopefully you get the idea. A family who has the ability to have a stay at home mother may have an advantage of being selected by a birth mother who desires this, but has no more of an advantage than a professional working woman has of being chosen because a birth mother desires both parents to have college degrees.

There are so many personal and individual factors that go into each birth mother’s decision and while we see common themes of what birth mothers look for, we cannot begin to create the perfect formula to ensure a family will be picked by a birth mother. We can give you pointers and suggestions on how to make your profile the best it can be for your family and how to draw out the positives your family possesses.

Also, one thing that I think is one of the most important things to remember about the profile is consideration of where the birth mother is emotionally when she is reading your profile. Most likely, she is only considering adoption and has not decided 100% because she has not yet found the perfect family.

Most likely, she still considers the baby she is carrying to be her own. Most likely, she is scared and confused and not completely sure what type of family would be best for her child. Most likely, she is looking for a family who seems loving and caring not only! to her child, but who will feel that way about her always as well.

While every birth mother will look for different things based on her beliefs, likes and dislikes and general feelings, there are some common themes that we see.

Megan