Talking to Your Family about Hurtful Adoption Phrases or Words
Posted At: 09:30:00 AM | Posted By: Admin
Our parents mean well and are very excited about our decision to adopt a second time. They treat our daughter with so much affection and care. Sometimes though, they say things that may be hurtful as our daughter becomes old enough to understand her adoption. They do not mean to, but they just used outdated terms about adoption. For instance, when we talk about our plans to adopt again, they talk about how the birth parents will “give up” or “give away” the baby for adoption. How do we try to talk with them about some of these things they say without causing too much turmoil within our family? Do others ever have these issues?
In honor of Adoption Month in November, this is a great topic to discuss. We can all do our part to help educate others about using positive language. Adoption is a wonderful thing, but it is still a sensitive topic and it needs to be understood that words can hurt sometimes if they are not used correctly. I have found myself correcting people many times when they ask me questions and use terms such as “Real Parents” or “Give up a baby for adoption”. The truth is that every child who is adopted will have two sets of parents. One set is the child’s biological or birth parents who created an adoption plan for the child. The other set is the child’s adoptive parents or simply “parents”. It is very hurtful to ask a family who has been created through adoption, “Do you know who your child’s real parents are?” This term is unnecessary and should not be used because both sets of parents are real. Their roles are different in the child’s life as they should be, but neither is any! more or less real than the other.
Another term that is often used is “give up for adoption” or “give away the child”. These terms should not be used in adoption either as a birth mother or birth father who makes the decision to place a child for adoption is in no way giving away a child. They are making very hard decisions and very real sacrifices to give their child a better chance at life. Birth parents do not “give up” a child, but they do make many sacrifices and in a sense give away a part of themselves. They do not give up loving their child. It is the most unselfish act that anybody can do for their child. I don’t mean to preach to the choir because through our discussions, I know that you agree and completely understand adoption’s blessings and trials. I hope that these examples will help you find ways to talk to others in a positive way to help them understand that their words do have an effect on people and help them learn better ways to say what they mean. Chances are, like your parents, most p! eople do not mean to hurt anyone or imply what these words really mean, they just don’t know how it sounds or another way to say what they do mean. I encourage everyone to help educate others about positive adoption language this month and all year round.
Here is a list of other terms that are negative in the adoption world and better options to help you not only correct your family members who likely mean well, but others that you come across during your adoption discussions.
Reader Comments
Comments are owned by the posters. AmericanAdoptions.com are not responsible for their contents.
As adoptive parents, we feel that it is part of our responsibility to be "ambassadors for adoption" and educate those around us on what adoption means, how the process works, the challenges and amazing blessings that come with it, and the appropriate methods to express curiosity. We don't "preach" or embarrass, but are consistent in correcting terms such as "give away" with "place" and don't answer questions that are private and we don't feel comfortable sharing.
The new challenge for my husband and I is how to address this issue as our daughter gets older (she is 2 now) and understands the questions which could hurt her feelings. I hope that by being very open with her, and giving her the tools to join me in "educating those who don't know about adoption like we do" she will be empowered. I hope that this give her the leadership role in the conversation, and takes the importance off of ignorant and sometimes malicious things others might say. I want her to be proud of her story, as proud as we are, and for that to eminate from her in such a way that nobody can challenge the humanity and beauty of adoption.
Posted At: Jan 13, 2007 11:52:02 AM | Posted By: Anonymous
I couldn't help but feel your pain about this situation. I have always wanted a baby and never could and I am wanting to adopt and I hope we can start soon. I am 48 years old and am desprate for a baby girl. I still hope I can say something to help you given the fact I could face the same thing with my family. I plan to tell my children that even though they have been adopted, I would sit them down and say to them that you may have grown in another ladies tummy, but you grew in my heart, It is very hard for these mothers to give up a baby but it is so much of a blessing for these ladies to help someone out who in fact will never have one without them. God bless them. My child to be will and is now gorwing in my heart until she comes to me in real life. No one knows but us who can't have children and to want them more than anything the pain that grows each day. These birthmothers can go on with their lives and have more children, but to never ever be able to have a chance to have a child is more pain than words can say. Their life will go on, but ours won't until it is filled with laughter from a child. Let your children grow in your heart, and tell them, then there is a equal balance for them and your family.
Post Comments
Mission Statement:
American Adoptions, a private adoption agency founded on the belief that lives of children can be bettered through adoption, provides safe adoption services to children, birth parents and adoptive families by educating, supporting and coordinating necessary services for adoptions throughout the United States. For more information on American Adoptions please call 1-800-ADOPTION (236-7846).
