Pictures and Letters After Adoption?

Posted At: 12:00:00 AM | Posted By: Admin

We are beginning the process of joining American Adoptions and see that we must be open to sending pictures and letters to the birth parents for up to 18 years. Can you please give us some insight to why this is necessary and how often this occurs? I guess we are struggling with the idea that if we maintain this contact, we will never feel like this is truly our child and wonder what her motive may be as she receives these updates like changing her mind. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

This is something so commonly asked as couples begin the adoption process. A #1 fear/concern expressed by potential adoptive parents is that the birth mother will want more involvement in the child’s life than they feel comfortable with and that having contact will not allow for good closure. It is important that every family set boundaries for themselves that they feel comfortable with in regard to contact with birth parents. For example, if a family does not feel comfortable having an open adoption that includes future visits, then they should not open themselves up to that. It is very possible to set realistic boundaries that feel comfortable for everyone involved. Birth mothers want to receive pictures and letters for many reasons. Often they cannot comprehend living the rest of their life never knowing how you and the child are doing. Receiving pictures is a safe way for her to know that you are all ok and that the family that she desired for her child is happy and healthy. She needs to be reassured just so she can know she made the right decision. Birth mothers do not look at the pictures and feel like they made a mistake or that they want to find the child and interfere. Most often, I have heard the exact opposite…she is grateful for the information and it helps her move forward with life and get closure-the unknown is always worse and if she is left with no information, it may be harder to gain closure.

Birth mothers also do not have a desire to intrude in the child’s life or change their mind…they want what is best for the child, which is why they chose adoption. It is very healing for the birth mother to know that the child will know that she cared about him/her and that it was not an easy decision for her. She wants to receive updates because she loves him/her so much. This is what you want your child to know and feel as well so they have a good feeling about adoption. If your child’s birth mother wants pictures and letters, it is something that will show your child that being placed for adoption was a very loving decision and by you showing respect and concern for his/her birth parent(s) you show that same respect and care for the child. That is really what it boils down to in my opinion. As far as never receiving closure if you have to send pictures and an update every year to the birth mother for 18 years, I can see how it may feel that way now because you have not yet experienced the adoption yet. However, I think that when the child is placed in your care and you become the loving mom and dad (as the birth mother wants you to be)…that sending pictures and letters will in no way take away from your feeling of being this child’s parents. It will not make you feel like there is no closure because you are the one caring for the child every single day and experiencing all the joys of parenthood. I hope that you will be able to find immense pride and gratitude every time you write a letter to the birth parent(s).

That is what it is all about. At American Adoptions, most birth parents want pictures and letters for up to 18 years. This correspondence is done through the agency so parties can stay in contact with our assistance and do not have to be in direct contact. We have found this to be very successful for everyone involved. If both parties want to have more direct contact, that is ok as well and should be determined by everyone involved during placement. It is ok that you have asked these questions and good that you are trying to find out as much information as you can. It is hard to know exactly how you will feel until you have all the information about the match and the birth mother…the best thing I can say to do is try and walk in a birth mother’s shoes so you can better understand her thoughts and requests. Thank you for bringing this up and please call or email me if you want to talk further!

Reader Comments

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Posted At: May 05, 2007 06:50:07 AM | Posted By: jana romine

Hi, We have adopted our foster child. He came to our house when he was 6 months old.We adopted him when he was 2 1/2 years old.I talked to his mom a few times before the adoption. I told her that I would send picks even before the adoption.Once the adoption happend I told her that we would still send photos.I believe that she needs this as a healing process.She wrote me around Easter asking for more photos.( We send them though childrens services)She said that this made her feel better that she knew that her son was doing good.It makes me feel better that she knows this.The baby that you adopt is yours.I was adopted and would love to know more about my birth mom.I nevr wanted to go back with her but to know a little would have been nice.This way you can send her photos and she can send you some as well.We show our son his birth moms photos.He is too young to really undrestand now. when he gets older I hope that it will make him feel better that his mom did care.She just could not take care of him the way that he needed. I hope that this helps J Romine

Posted At: Jan 13, 2007 11:31:10 AM | Posted By: Misty Clark

DIDDO to everything that Gigi Danzig says in her blog. My husband and I have 2 adopted children and the least we could do is share with the birthmother how her child is doing. Just put yourself in her shoes. I may be contacted as well for any concerns or questions but Gigi sums it all up in a nutshell. Misty Clark

Posted At: Dec 13, 2006 01:16:35 PM | Posted By: Lauren

I am a birth mother and I placed my daughter for adoption through american adoptions back in september and I can tell you the reason that letters and pictures are nessacary is so the birth mother can feel like she is seeing her child through its milestones. I however would never change my mind. Besides once the papers are signed it takes a whole lot of work to get the baby back. I know that I would never do something like that and tear a family apart. so I hope I was of som help

Posted At: Dec 13, 2006 09:34:18 AM | Posted By: Giselli

Dear parents to be, I can only tell you about my own experience dealing with the same feelings and fear that you are having now. Five years ago when we were waiting for our first baby ( we have two adopted children through American Adoptions), I was afraid that if we kept in touch, eventually I would feel that my kids did not belong to me or, that the bith mother coud try to win them back. Was I wrong? Our first experience with adoption gave us Isabella, our beautiful blond and blue eyed baby. When we walked in the hospital room, she had just been born and the birth grandmother was holding her. When she saw us, she got up and said: " Gigi and Josh, here is your daughter!" From that moment on, I knew it. These two women were not there to take anything away from me, for they were giving us the most precious treasure they have ever had. We were two complete strangers; can you imagine how scary that must have felt to them? They were trusting us, and most of all trusting me, to be the mothers they wish they coud be for their child and, they knew then, it would be for life. All I can say to you is that all my fears and feelings of not wanting to share MY child with anybody else disapeared. I understood then, that pictures and letters would be nothing , but part of the healing process for them. I understood then, that knowing about them as well, would give peace of mind too and, that my daugther would never feel like she was abandoned by her birth mother, but given to us because she was loved. Let me tell you that by doing that, and fullfiling our promisse, we all gained and Isabella could not be a happier child. After all, that is all that matters. The birth mother is married now, and has a boy who is my son's age (2 1/2). We keep in touch directly with our kids birth parents and Bella's grandmother through e-mail. It happens less often than you think (once or twice a year), and I actually look forward to hearing from them. You have to remember that life goes on for them too, and eventually, your child is only a memory for them, but she or he is in your life for ever and YOU, is all they know as mother and father and whom they will always love for . I hope I could help to ease your fears. If you feel that you need to hear some more, please do hesitate to contact me. Thank you for reading my message and I wish you the best. Gigi Danzig

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