December 22, 2006

How to deal with the wait time

I usually do a good job of handling my emotions and staying realistic about the amount of time it could take for our match. We know that you and the agency do not have full control and that we do not have full control, but we feel like we are pretty open on our APQ with races, budget and substance usage according to what you have told us. Even though we know that it could take anywhere between 1-18 months on average, I guess we didn’t really think it would take longer than 9 months for us. We truly thought we would be parents in 2006. With 2007 fast approaching, it is just harder and harder to believe it is ever going to happen. Thanks for listening to me as always.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I think everything you have said will ring true for many other families who read this newsletter so thank you for opening up this discussion. The holidays can be such a joyous time but they can also bring with them a lot of pain. It is a time when we are thankful for everything we have, but also tend to dwell and think more about the things we have lost and the things we want more than anything. It is very normal for families to express similar thoughts more to me during this time of year. As you gather with extended family during this time of year, it can often bring thoughts about your wish to expand your own family. It is also a potential for it to be especially hard at this time of year to be in the company of young children as it can further that desire.

I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that the thoughts you are experiencing are normal and that you are not alone. I know this doesn’t resolve it for you or make it go away. It is often true that those who have experienced loss revisit that loss throughout the years and especially during the holidays. We often forget that infertility is a loss in itself. It is considered an invisible loss, but it is a loss and with that will come difficult emotions. When you worked through this loss and found yourself emotionally ready and excited to move forward with adoption and become parents, it was empowering, however, grieving is an ongoing process that sometimes reaches back out and catches you off guard. The holidays have a way of catching us off guard in many ways and bringing this loss to the forefront for us again. When this happens, one can re-experience anger, sadness and hopelessness. Because you are currently pursuing an adoption, but it has not yet happened for you, revisiting loss can contribute to worries that an adoption will never happen for you. These thoughts are only fears and not reality so please keep in mind this is quite normal although very difficult to handle I’m sure.

Adoption is amazing and is a miracle. With most true miracles, we rarely get to understand it or have a hand in it. I cannot tell you when your precious child will be born and ready to come home to you, but I can promise you that when it does happen, it will erase all this pain and it will be truly amazing. Please look toward the New Year knowing that you have taken my suggestions to heart and opened up your APQ. You are being very flexible and open minded so know that you are doing your part and recognize that the rest is not within your control. I want to encourage you to look back over this past year and how far you have come in your adoption plans. You have made some very big steps and you should feel proud of those. Yes, it is difficult not to be upset that your match has not happened yet, but it is not yet time to become discouraged or give up hope! I have a feeling 2007 will be a fantastic year for you and something that you can celebrate. This time next year, I am very hopeful you will be celebrating the holidays as parents! Hang in there during this time…let yourselves have sad moments when you need them. Enjoy your time together and lean on each other for support.

Megan