January 30, 2007

When Should Families Prepare a Nursery?

Megan, it is hard to know what is best in regard to decorating the nursery and buying baby items. We don't want to wait until the last minute and be totally stressed out, but we also do not want to get ahead of ourselves and think it may be painful to look at an empty nursery for a long time while we wait. What do most couples do?

This is a very common question and I have been getting this one a lot lately. Honestly, there is no right or wrong way to approach this because everybody seems to have different comfort levels. We have some general suggestions that we like to provide for all families to consider. If you feel that you would feel more relaxed if you finished the nursery or at least got some items (carseat, crib etc.) purchased, go ahead and do so, but ask yourself how it will feel if you have to hold on to these items for a year without using them. If you can put them away somewhere out of sight instead of actually setting up the nursery, that may help. If you think that purchasing some items or painting the nursery now will help this seem more real and help you relax, the best time to do so is now prior to being put into a match. You can look at it as a step toward becoming parents. Celebrate that you are active with the agency and the fact that you now know you will be parents, but just don't know how or when exactly it will happen.

My advice is not to wait until you receive a match to then purchase tons of items and/or purchase items based on the gender of the baby because if that match does not turn into a successful adoption, it can be much harder to emotionally transfer those items over to another match with a different baby. If you buy items prior to a match, those baby items are for your future baby, no matter how everything occurs. Also, some families have purchased all items for a baby boy and then experienced a disrupted match and you guessed it, they end up adopting a baby girl in their next match. Those are things to keep in mind when making the decision of what works best for you and your family with making any preparations.

The biggest thing that I advise against is having baby showers prior to the placement actually occurring. Often times, your friends and family members will be very anxious to spoil you and celebrate your progress through the adoption process. The problem with throwing a shower too early is that you may not be able to relax and truly enjoy it if in the back of your mind, you know that the adoption has not happened yet and there is always a small chance that it might not. I suggest having an amazing shower after you are all home together and you can let your guard down and fully enjoy your moment. It's also a great opportunity for everyone to meet your newest addition too. If you are concerned that there will not be enough time to get everything you need, that is not a problem. I remember clearly an adoption I completed several years ago. I was working with a birth mother who had just contacted us and had just delivered a healthy baby boy. I contacted the adoptive parents that she picked and told them they needed to travel that day. They were of course in a panic and said that they did not have anything purchased yet because they thought they would have more time and hadn't wanted to get everything ready prematurely. They got on a plane, stopped at a Walmart on their way to the hospital to get a blanket, a few items of clothing and a carseat. The hospital provided them with diapers and formula at time of discharge. Then, during their ICPC wait period, they ran errands and purchased more clothing, more formula etc. This worked out great for them because it gave them something to do and they could pick out items specifically for their new son. When they returned home, their family and friends had purchased even more items for the new baby. After all of this, they felt they would not have done anything differently with their preparation.

I realize many might not feel comfortable waiting until the last minute to prepare. There is no one right way to handle all of this. I think it is a good idea to sit down together and find out what works best for both of you and compromise. If you want to talk more about this, please feel free to contact me. Hope this helps!

Please continue to email Megan Spaeth at megan@americanadoptions.com with all your stories, questions, concerns, and comments. We will try to focus on different issues each week, provide answers to questions, and offer some suggested reading for all who are interested. We are looking forward to an educationally successful year, come contribute to our success.