March 23, 2007

Connecting With Birth Mothers

Megan, we are really worried because we don't seem to be connecting to our birth mother the way it seems many families have in the stories that are posted on your website. I know that every birth mother is different, but I had hoped for more interaction and to be able to get a feeling from our interaction with her. Does her lack of wanting contact with us mean she is less likely to follow through with her adoption plan?

Thank you for your question. This is something that is a very normal question from adoptive families. Some families are concerned that their birth mother's need for a lot of contact with them means she will not be able to let go and will always want an open adoption. While, some families are concerned, like you have mentioned, that their birth mother's disinterest in having any contact means that she is not committed to her adoption plan. The truth is that every adoption is completely different and what works best in one situation may not work best in another situation. Certainly, we counsel birth mothers of pros and cons of different scenarios and assess situations using the same guidelines, but I can speak from experience that if I had tried to mold every birth mother I ever worked with into the same type of scenario, it would not have worked. The truth is that we work with many different birth mothers. I have had experience with birth mothers who have kept their pregnancy private and took the burden of their decision on their own and chose to have a more closed adoption, sometimes with no contact with the adoptive parents. There was no convincing them that this was not the way they wanted their adoption to go. I have worked with women who did not need a lot of emotional support and although they talked with the adoptive parents once or twice and met them, they chose not to get too close to the adoptive parents because that is how they found it best to cope. I have also worked with women who wanted to involve the adoptive parents in every aspect of the pregnancy and really needed to get to know the adoptive parents to feel at peace with their decision. They talked with the adoptive parents often and spent a great deal of time with them and the baby in the hospital prior to placement. There were birth mothers in each one of the above mentioned categories who placed and there were birth mothers who ultimately ended up not feeling comfortable choosing adoption. But what is important to note is that each prospective adoptive family had to be flexible and understand their particular birth mother's needs.

Every adoption situation has to be evaluated individually. I know it may be a little uncomfortable or not what you pictured your ideal adoption to be, but sometimes things work best when they are not what we envisioned. It is most certainly true for several things that I have experienced in my life and probably for you as well. The ultimate goal is to honor, respect and support the birth mother for her decisions. For your situation, all you can do is let your adoption specialist and/or the birth mother know that you care about her and support her with anything she needs. The rest is up to the birth mother. If you try to be overly involved or become too wrapped up in her life when she is not needing that type of support or contact, it may end up pushing her away more. In the opposite type of situation, if a family chose not to travel right away when their birth mother went into labor even if she really wanted them there, that may cause her additional doubt and pain/distrust. Your adoption specialists will guide you as best they can to what the birth mother needs and sometimes your needs or comfort level has to take a backseat. I know that what I am saying is not easy, but it is crucial that the birth mother feel that her desires are respected and that you are truly concerned with her well being. Follow your Adoption Specialist's guidance and suggestions about interactions with the birth parents and remain flexible. Sometimes birth mothers change their mind throughout their adoption plan about the type of contact they desire…I cannot promise that we have all the answers or can guarantee a successful adoption because that is up to the birth mother and nobody else, but we will guide you in the right direction as much as we can. Good luck with your match.