Adoptive Family Blog

April 20, 2007

Celebrate Birth Mother's Day!

We just adopted our beautiful baby girl a month ago and are having a wonderful time being parents. Mothers Day is also approaching and I am excited to celebrate my first Mother's Day with our new daughter. However, I am also wondering about our birthmother's feeling during this holiday. Our adoption agreement specifies to send letters and pictures twice a year and that's all. I do not know what the appropriate thing to do is, if anything, during this particular holiday. Should we send her a card or something? Thank you!

Hi there, Congratulations again on the adoption of your sweet baby girl. We are all very happy for you! I am so glad you brought up this question. We are approaching Mother's Day and with Mother's Day also comes a less known holiday, Birth Mother's Day. Birth Mother's Day is held on Saturday, the day before Mother's Day. It is a special day set aside to honor your child's birth mother's role and is becoming more celebrated and more known each year. Many birth mothers do not even know that this special day exists to honor them.

Mother's Day can be a wonderful day for you, but can be a difficult one for your child's birth mother as she sees mothers around her honored and celebrated. This is because just like with any grief process, anniversaries and holidays can bring thoughts of the adoption more to the surface for birth mothers. Some birth mothers find that this time of reflection or grief hits them mostly on the child's birthday, others feel it during Christmas or other major holidays and some feel it around Mother's Day. Every woman's experience is different and every woman will handle their grief and loss differently over time.

The important thing is that you, this child's parents, can take time to honor the birthmother's sacrifice and help her remember each and every year what a great thing she did by choosing adoption for her child. Sending pictures and letters throughout the year is definitely one way that many birth mothers feel comfort. If you have ongoing contact and a relationship with your child's birth mother (even if just through pictures and letters), I would encourage you to consider sending her a Birth Mother's Day card and explain that you are thinking of her on this day. Families who do not have contact with their child's birth mother can still take part in this special day and create a special tradition or ceremony within your family to honor your child's birth mother. There are many great ideas such as making a donation to a charity in honor of your child's birth mother. You can google Birth Mother's Day and it will give you more information about the formation of this holiday and special ways that people in the adoption community are celebrating this day. I will post some links that may be helpful should you choose to send something to your birth mother.

Remember, celebrating Birth Mother's Day does not take away from your role as your child's mother. It should not take away from your Mother's Day celebration. I think of Birth Mother's Day as the perfect prelude to Mother's Day. How wonderful for your family to be able to honor this very special woman whose gift allows you to celebrate Mother's Day the very next day! Now, there are some who have different view points and feel that Birth Mother's Day does the exact opposite of what it was created to do. Some feel that the birth mother should be recognized and celebrated on Mother's Day also and there should not be differentiation because an adopted child has two mothers, their roles are just very different. Whatever your specific beliefs are, it is still encouraged take time to reflect in some way during this weekend in a way that honors both of your roles in your child's life. Please let me know if you have any other questions!

Take care, Megan

Birth Mother's Day cards to mail
http://www.heartmarkdesigns.com/bmoms_day.htm

A Birth Mother book for those with a more open adoption
http://www.lulu.com/content/377645

Ideas to help you hand make a card with your child's help
http://adoption.about.com/od/celebrationinspiration/ht/handprintlillie.htm