August 13, 2006

Answering Your Child's Questions About Adoption

Megan, We have a 5 year old son who is asking lots of questions about our plans to adopt a new baby. What should we tell him?

This is a great question that seems to come up quite a bit, so I am glad you have brought it back up for more discussion. Whenever a family has a child already in the home whether it be through adoption or biologically, it is important to approach the topic of a new baby brother/sister through adoption delicately.

It is a great time to talk to your child about how families are created and the many different ways that families can be formed. If your child is adopted, it can create a safe environment to talk with them about their own adoption story and how special they are.

How you approach this topic and how much you share is very dependant on your child’s age and their developmental level. You do not want to talk over your child’s level of comprehension so keep that in mind.

It may be enough for example at age 2 to simply prepare the child for a sibling and not go into other details. It is also important to consider timing and how much to tell the child.

For example, when you do receive a match, it may not be wise to tell your child about the match or the specifics of when the baby is due. This is because if for any reason the match disrupts, your child will likely have a difficult time understanding why and it may bring up many other questions and emotions.

So, find a happy medium of preparing the child so they are not completely surprised when they have a sister/brother, but find a way to protect them from the uncertainties and unknowns of adoption.

Finally, it is important that each of your children have their own birth/adoption story with special meaning. You can express that their stories are different, but neither is less or more special. Whether both of your children are adopted or one is biological and the other is adopted, you have to find a way to make both of their stories special and unique because they will be completely different.

For example, you may end up with a ton of information about one of your child’s birth parents due to having the opportunity to meet them etc. However, you may end up having little to no information about the other child’s birth parents if you do not have the opportunity to meet them.

You will need to create very special moments and memories for both children even though you have varying amounts of information.

I would also say that while it is important for a child to know their adoption and birth story and feel special and secure in your family unit, it is also important that this does not become the definition of your family or of your child. A child needs to know about their adoption, but it does not define their being.

They will be more defined by their unique personality and who they become, rather than by their status as an adoptee. It is important that each child is not labeled differently, for example, “Our adopted child” and “Our biological child”. Instead they are both simply “Our children”.

The adoption story will be your child’s story that they will grow with and may feel differently about during different periods of their life. As they grow and understand things differently, let them decide how they want to share this aspect of their being. I have listed some helpful books below that might help you explore preparing yourself and your son for adoption.

I'm Brown and My Sister Isn't, by Robbie O'Shea

My Special Someone: A Child's Perspective of Adoption, by Brittany and Sherry Kyle

Things Little Kids Need to Know, by Susan Uhlig

Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born, by Jamie Lee Curtis

Twice Upon a Time: Born and Adopted, by Eleanora Patterson

Beginnings: How Families Come to Be, by Virginia Kroll

Rosie's Family: An Adoption Story, by Lori Rosove

The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child, by Nancy Newton Verrier, M.A.

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, by Sherrie Eldridge