Waiting for a Match - Why There is no Crystal Ball

The adoption process is a very personal one for waiting families. First, they must provide financial, medical and other personal information during the home study process, then they share a snapshot of their personal lives in their family profile. It is perfectly normal for waiting families to experience anxiety about having their lives be such an "open book."

Once a family is active with an agency and their family profile is being shown to expectant mothers, it is also common to experience some anxiety about what impression those birth parents are getting of the family. Many waiting families worry that perhaps they aren't attractive enough - that they must look like Tom Cruise or Nicole Kidman to adopt a child, or that they don't appear "fun" enough in their photographs. However, this is untrue.

Birth parents choose adoptive families for many reasons. To some birth parents, it is important that their child grow up in a specific region or state because they envision their child spending their days at the beach, or running through a field in the Midwest. Other birth parents want their child to be brought up in a specific religion and will therefore only consider families that are of that religion, while others want their child to grow up in a household with other children - or to be an only child. Just as each adoption story is unique, so are the wants and desires of the birth parents - making it impossible to gauge what, exactly, birth parents look for in an adoptive family, or why they choose or don't choose a specific couple.

There are however, some steps families can take to increase their chances of being selected. Families who are very narrow in their preferences (such as only willing to accept a Caucasian child or will only accept a child that has not been exposed to any drugs or alcohol in utero) may experience a longer wait as their profile can only be shown to a narrow group of expectant mothers. However, families that are willing to accept a bi-racial baby, or who are open to other social histories, will be exposed to a larger group of expectant mothers, therefore increasing their exposure greatly. Currently at American Adoptions, families who are willing to adopt a bi-racial child that is of any race and African American experience the lowest waiting times, as there is a great need for families to adopt these children. American Adoptions also currently is in need of families willing to accept a full-Hispanic child.

Cold Outside?

Cozy up to the fire and open an adoption book!

If the cold and blustery winter weather outside has you going stir crazy on the inside, then grab your favorite blanket, a hot cup of tea and dive into a new adoption book!

Adoption memoirs can be heartwarming, honest tales of adoption, as seen by the perspective of the both an adoptive parent and an adopted child. Here is a list of some popular adoption memoirs recommended by Adoptive Families magazine:

Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother, by Jana Wolff

A Ghost at Heart's Edge: Stories and Poems of Adoption, by Susan Ito and Tina Cervin

The Language of Blood, by Jane Jeong Trenka

Touched by Adoption, by Nancy A. Robinson

Do you have a favorite adoption book? American Adoptions is interested in knowing what's on your top adoption reading list. Share your favorites with us at editors@americanadoptions.com.

Questions & Answers With Megan

Megan
Kautio

Hello everyone, my name is Megan Kautio and I am an Adoptive Family Specialist with American Adoptions. I have had many wonderful experiences over time working with both birth parents and adoptive families. I use this weekly column to try and provide continued education and support to our clients based on questions that have been posed. My current role at American Adoptions is to advocate for and support our prospective adoptive families who are involved in our adoption process. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with all of you.

Q. Hello, We have some questions about open adoption and are hopeful you can assist us. We are very open to meeting birth parents and talking to them prior to the birth of the baby. We are definitely comfortable with sending pictures and letters through the agency after birth and can understand the importance of this to the birth parents. I tend to be more flexible in regard to ongoing contact and openness with birth parents than my husband. He is afraid that the birth parents will try to intervene in our lives in the future if they know our last name and he wants to make sure we are not co-parenting. Can you give us some advice on how open adoption usually works with American Adoptions and what we should do? Also, do you have many birth parents who want an open adoption? Thanks for your guidance.

A. Thank you for your questions. Of course as you know every adoption looks different and there are many options for contact even within the broad terms of semi-open and open adoptions. American Adoptions defines an open adoption as one where identifying information is exchanged, meaning last names and phone numbers or addresses. An open adoption also is one in which both parties are comfortable with face-to-face visits in the future. Typically visits of this nature happen once per year and can happen at a mutually agreed upon place. Obviously there is no set rule in regards to what each open adoption will end up looking like, but the things I mentioned above are those that we need every couple to feel comfortable with if they mark open adoption. We understand that what may make future visits most difficult is location if for instance the birth mother resides across the country. Often, birth mothers have thought about this also prior to selecting a family and understand that they may have to be flexible if they choose a family who lives far away from them. Most adoptive families voice that their biggest concern about sharing identifying information, communicating with birth parents directly or being open to visits in the future is that birth parents will end up wanting more than they originally agreed upon or will be intrusive in their lives if they have any disagreements on how things should be done. I definitely think co-parenting is a valid idea to question and when birth mothers identify to us that they want an open adoption, we make sure they understand what adoption means and what their role would be in an open adoption and what the adoptive parents' role would be. We find however that when birth parents and adoptive parents are able to create a trusting relationship; whether the amount of contact and identifying information fits into a more semi open adoption or a more open adoption; everyone feels more comfortable and trusting of one another. We also find that the frequency of contact between birth parents and adoptive parents tends to diminish over time except in regard to pictures and letters via mail or email.

I can't give you advice on what you should choose in regard to an open adoption or semi-open adoption because what is right for some may not be right for others. I encourage you and your husband to talk about what contact you are both comfortable with and identify what fears you each have about a completely open adoption. You could make a pro and con list of sorts. It is crucial that whatever you and your husband decide, that you are both 100 percent committed and comfortable with that choice because an open adoption with just one of you is not going to work and is not fair to anyone involved. There are a lot of great resources out there about open adoption especially as open adoptions are becoming more common and the benefits that a healthy open adoption can have for all parties, especially the child are being realized. It can be helpful to talk with others who have open adoptions and see what is working for them and what struggles they have experienced as well. I have a couple families who have opened themselves up to open adoptions who are more than willing to share their story with you and talk with any families who may have questions and want to talk to someone who has this experience. There are also a number of support groups and forums that have information about this topic. Some books that can be helpful are:

Children of Open Adoption by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner

Making Room in Our Hearts: Keeping Family Ties through Open Adoption by Micky Duxbury

The Open Adoption Experience by Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Lois Melina

Arms Wide Open: An Insight Into Open Adoption by Jane Waters

I always refer families to tapestrybooks.com or of course amazon.com because they always have the most up to date adoption books on all sorts of topics. I hope this information proves helpful for you. Open adoption can be a wonderful opportunity for everyone. Currently, we have less than 10 active families who are open to an open adoption that we can show to a birth mother who wants to select a family who is open to future visits. We do have times where we have an influx of birth mothers wanting a family who is open to future visits and we don't have enough families to show them so I encourage all families who are open to an open adoption to let us know. Families who are open to an open adoption on their APQ can expect to receive additional exposure to those women who only want to see profiles of families who are open to this. Also, if you are open to a more open adoption, make sure to write about that in your profile so birth mothers know that about you when they are reading your profile.

What we find even when a match is not set up to be open is that they can often become more open once both parties develop a mutual trust, comfort level and love and everyone finds that they want to have more contact than maybe they initially felt they would like. Often families tell us that they are undecided about an open adoption but would definitely consider it on a case by case basis. I would like to encourage families who are open to considering an open adoption in any format or who have more questions about open adoption to contact their Adoptive Family Specialist.

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