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Explaining Adoption to Your Child

It is best to tell children about their adoption from the very beginning. Although children are not emotionally or developmentally capable of understanding adoption until later in life, parents should still begin to lay the groundwork for such a discussion from the very first day they bring their bundle of joy home.

Some parents may believe they should wait until the child asks them about their adoption to speak with them about it. This, however, is not recommended. Adoption is confusing enough for adults - and even more confusing to children. Because of this, children are often too embarrassed to bring the subject up, or are too scared. Not talking about the adoption, or discouraging it, can have a negative effect on your child's self-esteem or how they perceive adoption.

There are several children's books available that may help introduce the subject to your child. Some of the most popular adoption children's books include Over the Moon: An Adoption Tale, by Karen Katz; Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born, by Jamie Lee Curtis, Rosie's Family: An Adoption Story by Lori Rosove and Heather Burrill and How I Was Adopted by Joanna Cole.

As your child grows and begins to understand adoption more, it is important to be honest and positive about the adoption. Never speak negatively about the child's birth parents; doing so can greatly hurt your child's self-perception. Also, make sure that adoption is always positively portrayed in your family.

If you receive pictures or letters from your child's birth parents, share them with your child. Store them in a box or scrapbook for your child - as the child grows it will not only help you explain the adoption to them, but will also foster a positive environment for your child to learn that adoption is an act of love.

Although adoption should not define who your child is, it is, however, a very significant piece of their life. Adoption is a process of love and compassion - celebrate that with your child, share with them all the reasons why adoption is so special. If you would like more tips on how or when to talk to your child about their adoption, or for a list of books to read with your child about adoption, please contact your Adoptive Family Specialist.

In Their Own Words

Jason, Stephanie and Marianna's Adoption Story

We feel so blessed to have found American Adoptions. With the help of their wonderful staff we were finally able to fulfill our dream of becoming parents.

After being married only a few months we decided we were ready to start our family. After trying for 2 years to conceive on our own and 1 year of trying to conceive through infertility treatments we realized that God meant for us to grow our family through adoption. We soon started the research process of adoption and came across American Adoptions. The staff seemed friendly and helpful so we felt that it was the right agency for us. In April of 2008 we submitted our application. Right away we were contacted by the staff of American Adoptions and received the paperwork to begin the APQ, background checks and home study process. We had our first home study visit on May 4th. We became active and on the waiting list on June 25th.

We've now been back home almost 3 months and we've definitely all adjusted to family life. Our little girl is the most amazing blessing we could have ever imagined. We love her so much and our so proud to be her parents. We love and cherish every second with her. She truly was a gift from God and we thank Him every day for bringing us together.

Thank you so much to all of the wonderful people at American Adoptions for all of your help, guidance and support during our adoption journey.

Questions & Answers With Laurie

Laurie
Walker

Hello everyone, my name is Laurie Walker and I am an Adoptive Family Specialist with American Adoptions. I have worked with many birth mothers and adoptive families in my time here at American Adoptions and love being able to watch families form through adoption.

Q. We are trying to prepare for travel, knowing that when we get the call, we may have to travel at a moment’s notice. I am fully ready for this but we do have concerns because my husband’s job is very demanding and hard for him to get away. When we get the call, I’m worried my husband won’t be able to get off of work when the baby is born. Can I go by myself? Or, can I go by myself first and have him follow me down there a day or two later?

A. The reason you may get the call and have to travel very quickly is that you may get matched with a birth mother who is due to deliver any moment or you may get matched with a birth mother who has already had the baby. Obviously these situations are rare but they require you to think fast and be very flexible because there is not a lot of time for planning. Further, even if you are matched with a birth mother and know her due date, it will still be impossible to plan ahead completely because you will not travel until she is in active labor or a cesarean section or induction is scheduled and there is no way to know if she will deliver early. If the birth mother delivered a month early, which can happen, we’d expect you to travel within 24 hours of hearing this news from our agency. Also, there is no way to know if she’ll deliver late. Because due dates are often inaccurate, we do not want a family to fly out based solely on the due date and then wind up waiting around for several days to weeks before the baby is even born. We expect every family to travel within 24 hours of receiving the call from our agency that it is time to do so. Your Adoption Specialists will give you direction and feedback/advice based on the particular needs and desires of the birth parent(s). It is usually within your best interest to arrive as soon as possible because the birth parents take comfort knowing that you are there with the baby, knowing that this is your #1 priority and knowing that they can begin getting to know you better. If your birth mother desires this type of contact with you, it is crucial that you both arrive as soon as possible. There have been rare circumstances where one adoptive parent has been able to travel immediately and the other adoptive parent has had to follow on a later flight. These things can be acceptable with certain situations especially if your birth mother is aware that this is the plan. However, whichever one of you is taking the later fight needs to get to the hospital ASAP. It would not be acceptable to arrive 48 hours later as often that means the entire hospital experience would have been missed out on by that adoptive parent and the birth mother might not see this adoption as a priority to both parents. This can have a direct negative effect on the birth mother’s commitment level to the adoption plan and might make her second guess her decision to choose adoption altogether and result in a disrupted adoption. Both adoptive parents should be present because the birth mother needs to know that you are both committed to her baby and that you are both excited and overjoyed. Your husband will be able to provide an element of support and security to the birth mother that you cannot and it’s important for her to see this as an adoption with both a mother and a father for the child, so it is important that she sees him as being just as involved as you. She picked you both because she envisioned her child having two equally involved and supportive parents; maybe she cannot provide this to her child because the birth father is unknown or not a good guy. So, it is imperative that you live up to the reasons she selected you both. If, when you get your match call, you are still concerned about the travel arrangements for your husband, you will need to begin planning and discussing this with your Adoption Specialist so they can assist you.

Here are some travel tips that might help in some circumstances:

• Many airlines are now requiring a letter from a pediatrician approving the child to fly if they are under 14 days old. If you plan to fly home after ICPC approval, it’s possible the baby will be less than 14 days old. In this circumstance, we’d suggest receiving clear documentation from the child’s pediatrician issuing the discharge order from the hospital stating you are cleared to fly with the child.
• It’s been recently shared with our agency from a few adoptive couples that Southwest Airlines often does allow adoptive families to change flights and times without any penalty as long as you tell them it is an adoption. This has not been confirmed by our agency so it is imperative nobody assume this is a guarantee. This is a great option if this is true as the ICPC wait period is really a guessing game so it’s hard to know when to set up your return flight home since you’ll not know exactly when you’ll get the approve to return home. A good rule of thumb is to ask the airline if the flight being scheduled is an open-ended deal and if not, find out what the penalty is to change the flight and compare the total cost with the penalty added in with two last minute one-way tickets to ensure you are paying the best rate possible for the flights.
• Another tip that was recently shared with us by an adoptive family is to look into booking weekly vacation rental homes/condos if you are traveling to a city that is more of a tourist spot. It’s been said that this option can be less expensive than paying nightly for a hotel. It’s also possible the hospital might have deals worked out with local hotels for family/friends of patients and often adoptive families have paid a lower rate by checking into this as an option too.

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