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To Tell or Not?

Sharing your decision to adopt with others

Once your family has completed all of the necessary steps to become active within an agency, it may feel as if you have already come a long way on your adoption journey - and you have.

When your family profile, scrapbook, etc. begins to be shown to expectant mothers, it can be a time of great excitement. Your heart may jump a little with every telephone ring, or you may find yourself gazing at tiny footed pajamas in the department store, wondering if you will be buying pink or blue clothes soon.

In this time of anticipation and excitement, you may also be wondering what to tell people about your choice to pursue adoption.

The answer depends on what you and your spouse are comfortable with. Some families may have already told friends, neighbors and extended family members about the adoption, while others may have chosen to keep it just between themselves and a few select people. You also don't have to tell anyone at all about your plan until you are matched, or are preparing to bring home your baby.

If you do decide to speak with people about your adoption plan, also remember that you do not need to share any details that you aren't comfortable with. Likewise, if you tire of people asking you "have you heard anything?" you can simply tell them that you'll let them know the moment you hear of anything.

Unfortunately, you may also encounter people that may react negatively when you tell them about your adoption plan. They may question why the "real" mother is "giving up" her baby. This can be an opportunity to educate them about modern adoption and gives you the chance to point out that such negative language can be very hurtful to both adoptive parents and birth parents. Many times you find that people do not intend for such comments to be hurtful or insulting, they simply didn't realize that what they were saying had such a negative connotation.

This is an exciting time in your adoption journey, and whether or not you decide to share that excitement with family and friends, or keep it close to just you and your spouse for a little longer, that is completely your choice - this special journey is yours to cherish anyway you choose.

In Their Own Words

Peter, Amanda & Andrea's Adoption Story

We began working with American Adoptions in the spring of 2008. We decided on a domestic program as we had adopted our son internationally six years before and the paperwork process was much more difficult along with the travel.

We submitted all of our paperwork to American Adoptions and were activated in July. We had requested a girl and were told that it could be a longer wait because of this. In our minds I think we were prepared for a referral in the spring of 2009. Surprisingly, on October 21, we received a call that a birth mother had chosen our family for her three week old baby girl. We were just thrilled and the next day we flew to meet and be placed with our daughter. The process was very smooth. We filled out the necessary paperwork and then we were able to leave the agency with our daughter.

We have been home for four months and our adoption was finalized last week. We are thrilled that we made the decision to adopt with American Adoptions. From the beginning through the end we felt completely comfortable and there was always wonderful communication. What an amazing journey with a happy ending, our family, thank you American Adoptions!

Questions & Answers With Laurie

Laurie
Walker

Hello everyone, my name is Laurie Walker and I am an Adoptive Family Specialist with American Adoptions. I have worked with many birth mothers and adoptive families in my time here at American Adoptions and love being able to watch families form through adoption.

Q. I recently heard the term post-adoption depression and am wondering exactly what this is? Is this similar to post-partum depression or is this something different? My fear is also that I may not bond with the baby in the way I should due to this being an adoption.

A. Let me commend you for your honesty first and foremost. Many have had these same fears and feel somewhat ashamed to admit them to others.

Let's first discuss the term post-adoption depression. Many assume that hormonal changes after delivering a baby are the only things that influence a depression experience after returning home from the hospital. Hormonal changes can contribute to depression; however this is not the only cause. Returning home with a newborn in general can be very stressful and can contribute to an increased likelihood of one to experience depression. The lack of sleep you will likely experience when caring for a new baby could possibly contribute to an increase in stress level. Often becoming a new mother and father is full of fears about your readiness, knowledge and ability to maintain patience. No matter how much you have prepared by reading materials or attending parenting classes, you still might question your abilities. It can be very overwhelming during this time and you may find yourself fearing you are not doing everything right as a new parent. Also, some babies are just more difficult than others regardless of all of the wonderful skills you may already have caring for babies. You could find yourself a new parent to a baby who often cries and could feel helpless at times when comforting the baby. Also, if you formally were employed and now have made the choice to become a stay-at-home parent, this new roll could be a huge adjustment and you could find yourself missing your daily contact with your previous coworkers or other adults in general.

Although undoubtedly you are looking forward to the day you become a mother or father and truly experience all that comes with this, this anticipation does not make you safe from the added stress that could follow. Becoming a parent is an adjustment no matter how a child enters your home. It's ok to admit when the stress level increases for you. Others who have adopted have stated that they feel guilty admitting when they feel overwhelmed because they fear others will only respond by telling them how grateful they should be for their child. Being an adoptive parent does not and should not mean you lose the right to admit when you are having a stressful day. Allow yourself time to talk to others about your feelings, to have breaks, to eat real meals and to sleep. Also, pay close attention to what could also be serious signs of depression and if you are exhibiting concerning symptoms, consult a doctor, counselor or psychiatrist to help you during this transition.

As far as your worries that you may not bond with the baby due to this being an adoption, this is a common fear, but one that not many truly experience. To be honest, I hear many wonderful stories from adoptive couples that say they couldn't love a child anymore than they currently do their adoptive child. Chances are you might just be one to say something similar when your little one joins your family.

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