From a Birth Mother's Perspective

Birth mother shares how special pictures and letters are and how adoption shaped her life

Editor's Note: The following is a letter American Adoptions recently received from a birth mother we had the pleasure of assisting a few years ago. With her permission, we share this letter with our readers.

It is with great pleasure that I write this letter. I cannot express how blessed I feel to have found an agency so genuinely sincere in their efforts to ease the process of adoption. And so, I write this in an attempt to express my gratitude.

I am a birth mother that went through the adoption process through your agency about 4.5 years ago. Shelly Riffle was my adoption specialist. I must tell you, that name is forever imprinted on my heart for all the support she gave me during that time.

I am currently finishing my 2nd year of a PsyD program in Clinical Psychology, and hope that my experiences will allow me to be an effective therapist. It is through American Adoptions, however, that I first experienced an empathy so sincere and free of judgment - that often I reflect back on how receptive you all were of me, and can only hope that I provide the same kind of service to others in the future.

I recently received a letter and pictures from my adoptive family, and finally found it in me the courage to write them back after 4.5 years. I didn't even know where to send the letter - and so I emailed one of your specialists. Her heartfelt response and eagerness to help, after all this time, reminded me of how much you all helped me, and consequently felt compelled to write to an executive of the organization.

I have found that the people you love and have impacted you the most live on within you - despite the amount (or lack thereof) of contact that exists in the relationship. And so, even though we've never met, I hope this letter finds you well... I can honestly say that not a day goes by that I don't think of my son. There are some moments when I am saddened by the fact that I cannot see everything that the family I chose so lovingly describe for myself - but I then look at the pictures and read the letters and can just feel how happy he is. And that in and of itself, assures me to my core that my world is just as it should be.

With endless gratitude and love,

Alexandra

Before Finalization: The Need for Post-Placement Visits

You've conquered the home study, survived the wait and have settled into your new routine as a family with your new little bundle of joy. Your adoption journey is complete … or is it?

Once you receive placement of your child, but are still waiting for the finalization of your adoption, there are still some last steps you must take. All adoptions require a certain amount of post-placement visits. These visits, which are usually conducted by your home study agency, are required by the courts and agency licensing entities to ensure that the adoptive placement is a positive one for both the adoptive family and the child. The social worker doing post-placement supervision will visit your home several times during the period between placement and finalization to provide support and to provide you with other assistance, if needed.

The number of post-placement visits varies state by state and even by licensing entities. These visits are required to continue until the adoption is finalized and may be required to begin as soon as 14 days after receiving placement. It is the adoptive family's responsibility to arrange for post-placement supervision and to ensure that this important requirement is met.

If you have already received placement and have questions concerning your post-placement supervision requirements, contact your Adoptive Family Specialist at 1-800-ADOPTION.

Questions & Answers With Megan

Megan
Kautio

Hello everyone, my name is Megan Kautio and I am an Adoptive Family Specialist with American Adoptions. I have had many wonderful experiences over time working with both birth parents and adoptive families. I use this weekly column to try and provide continued education and support to our clients based on questions that have been posed. My current role at American Adoptions is to advocate for and support our prospective adoptive families who are involved in our adoption process. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with all of you.

Q. We adopted our daughter through you agency 3 years ago. She is now getting to that age where we feel questions may be coming about "where she came from". I know there are any books out there regarding the process of telling a child that they are adopted. Can you recommend any good books, or do you have any advice about this? We have never tried to hide the fact that she is adopted, but it is something we have specifically addressed with her. How in depth should you really get with a three year old? Thanks so much for any help you can give us!

A. This is such an important topic and one that I could probably write a lot more than this one column about. It is multi faceted so I will take a more general approach and give several ideas, but am open to talking about this further with you sometime. Research consistently shows that it is best to tell children about their adoption from the very beginning of their life. Of course, a child will not be able to understand the true meaning of their adoption for years, but there are many wonderful books that parents can read to their children about adoption. These books will help lay the groundwork for the child to understand what adoption means in general terms and open up discussion about the story.

When it comes to talking about adoption, it is not something you will have one conversation about and never revisit. You will get to continue talking about it throughout life. It is important that a parent does not take the approach to just wait to bring up adoption when the child asks about it because the child may never bring it up. Adoption can be confusing, and the child may be afraid to bring it up so, the child needs to know it is ok for them to talk about it with you. It is best to create an environment where your child knows they can talk about it whenever they want.

One adoption professional I talked with compared it to not educating a child about looking both ways before crossing the street. We don't wait until a child asks to explain why it is important to look both ways. By then, it may be too late. A child will hear about adoption in the media and at school, so it is better that a parent makes sure to create positive images of adoption in the home before the child is exposed to other people's questions and ideas about it. It is very important to be honest and upfront with your child when they ask questions and use age appropriateness in answering your child's questions. Misleading your child or hiding things can have a negative effect on the child later in life when they may inquire more about their adoption. It is also very detrimental to speak negatively about your child's birth parents in any way. This can be compared to a divorce when parents are talking nasty about each other to or in front of the child. This type of action only causes pain and confusion for the child. The child may be left feeling guilty or struggle with loyalty issues.

With adoption, you want your child to know that their birth parents are very special, loving people no matter what their life circumstances because bottom line, their decision was a very loving decision that took strength and courage. An adopted child should not ever be led to feel guilty or disloyal for wanting to know about their birth parents. However, this is a common feeling adoptees say they feel so make sure to communicate about it with your child.

When it comes to talking about adoption, take cues from your child. For example, after talking about adoption one 5 year old child may become very curious about adoption and ask a lot of questions and enjoy reading adoption stories. Another 5 year old may not ask any questions and prefer to read books about trucks-this is ok. I suggest that parents educate themselves about developmental stages. This can help parents understand where a child is cognitively and emotionally so they can continue to communicate in developmentally appropriate ways. However all children are different so also pay attention to your own child's maturity level and explain things in an age appropriate way.

The best advice I can give to any adoptive family is to make sure that your child knows they are adopted and that it is portrayed positively in your family so your child feels secure. Truly listen to your child, do not just tell them politically correct information. Your child will often tell you what they need or are feeling through words and/or behavior if you lay the groundwork. However, just because your child does not bring up the topic from time to time does not mean they are thinking about it or wishing to talk more about it so it's not a bad idea to check in with them from time to time to ensure adoption is a safe topic in your home in their eyes. It is a journey and the answers cannot all be figured out at one time. Every person who is adopted gets to have their own adoption story and gets to decide when and how they want to share this information with others. So, give your child the knowledge and security they need and support them in whatever feelings they have and decisions they make.

A few Great Books: (I recommend www.Tapestrybooks.com to locate a variety of adoption books)

Real Parents, Real Children by Holly van Gulden
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherry Eldridge
W.I.S.E UP Powerbook by Marilyn Schoettle
Raising Adopted Children by Lois Ruskai Melina
Talking with Young Children About Adoption by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher

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