In Her Own Words: Nicole's Birth Mother Story

On September 9th 2007 I found out I was pregnant with my second unexpected child. After my daughter was born I vowed not to have any more children so when I found out I was pregnant again I was devastated. My [now former] fiancé and I decided to make the best of the situation and I started making plans to keep the baby. As time went on though things didn't seem to be working out the way I was planning. I started to panic, I didn't know how I was going to raise two children and with the way things were looking with my fiancé and me it looked like I was going to be doing it on my own.

I kept looking at my daughter and felt this would be so unfair for her. I felt she deserved more; she needed a swing set and dance lessons, tumbling, horseback riding, and piano lessons. She needed everything I was already struggling to give her.

I contacted American Adoptions in January after looking at their profiles on line. I was very interested in Ray and Donna. I liked that they lived close to me and they love baseball and football. I liked everything about their profile. Unfortunately for me they were already in a match with another birthmother. I was very upset, but decided to focus my attention on finding another couple. I went through approximately 100 profiles and several couples that were already chosen and some that weren't. The ones that weren't just didn't seem quite right though. I was starting to get nervous I wasn't going to find the right parents. Six weeks before my due date my caseworker Sarah contacted me about Ray and Donna (the very first couple I chose). The birthmother they were matched with changed her mind and decided to parent. I was elated by the news and quickly moved into a match with them. They were everything I thought they were and more. We were able to have several phone conversations and they came to an ultrasound appointment. They were also there for the birth of our son.

The weeks that followed Eddy's birth has been the hardest time of my life, but with every phone call, text message, e-mail, and visit it gets a little easier and I am reassured that I made the right choice.

Adoption 101: What is the difference between closed, open and semi-open adoptions?

The adoption world is full of industry terms and language that can be confusing to many. As many couples quickly learn, there is a lot more to the adoption process than simply deciding whether or not to pursue an adoption plan -- including what type of adoption they wish to pursue.

One of the most confusing issues facing prospective adoptive couples is the varying types of adoptions. Adding to this confusion is the fact that nearly every adoption professional has a different definition of what a closed, open and semi-open adoption entails.

Here is a list of what American Adoptions considers to be a closed, open and semi-open adoption:

Closed Adoptions

When many people think about adoption, they envision a closed adoption in which the adoptive family and birth mother remain confidential, with no contact prior to or after the placement of the child. For many generations, it was common practice to keep adoptions closed. However, in the early 1980s, adoption began to shift toward more openness. Today, some people believe closed adoptions to be "safer," mainly out of a fear that if the birth parents know where the adoptive family lives, that they will "take back" the child. While this fear has largely been perpetuated by television movies and sensationalized media reports, this is not true. Today's adoption laws are very clear - once the adoption is finalized, the adoptive family is recognized as the child's legal family.

Open Adoptions

While many adoption professionals have varying definitions of what an "open" adoption is, it typically means that the birth parents and the adoptive family speak prior to and even after the child is born without any agency involvement. This may include phone calls and face-to-face visits. Some adoptions of his nature are very open, with the adoptive family and birth parents exchanging contact information and agreeing to periodic visits by the birth parents as the child grows.

Semi-Open Adoptions

Semi-open adoptions fall in between open and closed adoptions. The adoptive family and birth parents usually will know basic information about each other, such as their first names and state of residence. Complete contact information, such as phone numbers and addresses, are not shared. While adoptive families and birth parents may speak to one another prior to the birth of the child, some confidentiality is maintained. Once the child has been placed with the adoptive family, the birth parents may still stay in contact with the family via letters and pictures, however this correspondence is handled by a third party, such as the adoption agency. American Adoptions handles all correspondence between our birth parents and adoptive families in a semi-open adoption. Our agency maintains the current contact information for each party - if the birth parents or adoptive family wishes to send a letter or pictures to the other party, they simply mail it to the agency. We then repackage the letter so there is no identifying information (such as mailing address) and forward it on to the recipient.

Evolving Relationships

Many adoptive families find that although at first they prefer a more closed or semi-open adoption, once they meet the birth parents and connect with them, they find the relationship evolves into a more open adoption. Such was the case for one recent American Adoptions family, Matt and Nora. To read their story, visit:
http://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/story_view/testimonial_id/135.

Questions & Answers With Laurie

Laurie
Walker

Hello everyone, my name is Laurie Walker and I am an Adoptive Family Specialist with American Adoptions. I have worked with many birth mothers and adoptive families in my time here at American Adoptions and love being able to watch families form through adoption.

Q. Hi there,
4 months ago we adopted a baby with the help of American Adoptions. If we decide to continue to grow our family, how long should we wait before we start the process again?

A. Congratulations once again on your adoption! American Adoptions believes keeping a normal birth order in place if at all possible is the best for your family. Because it's biologically possible to have children 9 months apart, this would be the minimum age difference we'd recommend for your second adoption. Typically, American Adoptions asks that Adoptive Families wait until their first adoption is finalized prior to reapplying for their next adoption. Since most adoptions take 6 months to finalize, a 6 month time frame tends to be the earliest we allow reapplication. Because you'll have to have a home study update to reflect the new child in your home, possibly new clearances to ensure those are not more than a year old, reference letters, physician reports etc., update your profile to reflect the new child in your home and develop a new Adoption Planning Questionnaire (APQ), it can take a few months to activate even after you reapply, putting you at about 9 months from your adoption to activate. Of course, there is no guarantee about the time frame for the next match. Often times, it can be a slower process than it was the first time around simply because you do have a young child in the home currently and a birth mother might prefer to select a family without a child or with an older child in the home. That's not to say it couldn't happen. It's happened quite a few times actually that a family has been able to adopt quickly the second time around. It's just a good rule of thumb to try to be even more open on your APQ to maximize your profile exposure the second time around due to the potential for the adoption process to take longer.

If you have further questions, please speak to your Adoptive Family Specialist who can go further into detail about your specific situation.

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