The Big Conversation

How to get comfortable and make the most of your first meeting with a birth mother

It's something that will never cross the minds of most people, but for those who choose adoption - and especially domestic adoption that is at least semi-open, it's a very common concern: Will the birth mother like me? What are we supposed to talk about?

The fear of not being liked by the birth mother is fortunately, usually unfounded. Remember, the birth mother has chosen to meet you. During this process, she had the opportunity to read the profiles of as many amazing adoptive families as possible, yet, there was something about you that felt right to her. Often, this has much to do with commonalities in life traits, but can also entail the fact that the type of life you have is the type of life she considers ideal for her baby. It's perhaps the most important decision she will ever make in her life - you can bet that she has done so with a great deal of thought and love.

Even still, the first phone call or meeting with a mother can make adoptive families feel very nervous. Remember, she is likely nervous, as well. The best advice we can offer is be yourself and try to relax! It's important to let her know that you care about her feelings and wellbeing. Beyond that, women who have chosen adoption for their child say that they mostly want to know how excited you are to be parents! Beyond that, she will likely enjoy hearing what life for her child might look and feel like with your family.

Stimulate her imagination - paint a picture of daily life in your household, going beyond what you have perhaps already covered in your family profile.

Of course, it's also important to not only talk about yourselves, but many of our adoptive families say that coming up with the right questions to ask can be a challenge. For this reason, American Adoptions offers the following list of appropriate conversation starters:

• How are you feeling?
• What helped you to choose our family? Do we have similar hobbies or interests?
• What can we tell you to help you feel as comfortable in your decision as possible? Would you like to know more about our house? Our neighborhood? The schools in our area? Fun things we like to do?
• When you imagine the most perfect life for your child, what are some things that come to mind? What can we do to help you realize those dreams you have for your child?
• What are some of your favorites? Foods? Movies? Fun activities? Sports? Teams?

For more ideas, feel free to speak with your Adoptive Family Specialist anytime!

In Their Own Words: Neylan's Adoption Story

In January 2007 my husband and I started the process of adopting. Jim has 2 children from his first marriage, this child would be our first. We worked hard to get the initial process completed, home studies, background checks, finger printing, the process seemed daunting and endless but we knew the work would be well worth it. April 2007 we were activated with American Adoptions and our profile was being shown. Then in May the Thursday prior to Memorial Day, an available situation caught our attention. An African-American albino girl had been born in Louisiana. She was premature, mother was a teenager. The infant had been set up for a private adoption but when she was born albino the family decided not to adopt. As we read the information regarding this child I knew this child was meant to be ours. We emailed American Adoptions and waited to hear from them the following day. I received a phone call at work telling me another family that had been waiting longer had been matched with this child. I cannot tell you how upset we were by this. There had been this intense feeling that this was the child for us. On Tuesday, after Memorial Day, I was home sick from work with bronchitis and at 10:30 a.m. the phone rang. It was American Adoptions, the little girl we had inquired about was again available. The family had spent the weekend with her but after receiving the report by the Ophthalmologist that she would most likely never have vision better than 20/400 and would never be able to drive, they decided not to proceed. Were we still interested you asked. A decision needed to be made by 4 p.m., if no family could be found she would be released to care of DCF. I called my husband at work, he had just started a new job and was in training. Three phone calls later he answered and I explained everything what was going on. He said get more medical background and I will call you noon. I contacted American Adoptions and asked for as much medical information on the child as possible.

We met Mike Theriot at the hospital and signed the papers then had to wait for the attorney that had been appointed for the child to arrive to hospital. One hour later we were finally on our way to the nursery to meet our daughter. We were all excited, nervous, wondering what would she would be like, how was she doing medically. We met the nursery staff, washed up and were led to a private room and they wheeled her in. She looked liked a tiny angle, with her wispy white hair. She was so delicate and tiny. Jim was amazed at her size, I went over and picked her up and started rocking her. She would not open her eyes much due to the brightness of the lights so we turned them off. We all took turns holding her and rocking her then we had to get her to eat. She had only been nursing for a few days, what a challenge, 1 hour later with lots of coaxing, tickling, talking and encouragement she had eaten 1 oz. Neylan and I had to stay in Louisiana for 2 weeks while the papers were completed for us to travel, Jim had to return to work and Jake returned home to his mom's to finish out his summer break with her. Neylan and I bonded, she loved being in the snuggly and that is where she stayed for the first 2 weeks, listening to my heart beat. Today she is 21 months old and is the joy of our lives. Neither one of us could imagine our life without her. Yes there are challenges she has Physical Therapy twice a week which means we are up at 5:30 a.m. to get to PT at 7 a.m. so that Mom can get to work on time. She has speech therapy once a week at the daycare and vision therapy once a week at the daycare. She has been wearing glasses since she was 3 months old and her vision has improved to 20/200. Her speech is now at a 2 year level and she is crawling, pulling up and walking holding on to furniture. She has completed us as a family.

Questions & Answers With Megan

Megan
Kautio

Hello everyone, my name is Megan Kautio and I am an Adoptive Family Specialist with American Adoptions. I have had many wonderful experiences over time working with both birth parents and adoptive families. I use this weekly column to try and provide continued education and support to our clients based on questions that have been posed. My current role at American Adoptions is to advocate for and support our prospective adoptive families who are involved in our adoption process. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with all of you.

Q. Hi Megan, we know we are jumping ahead, but we are already thinking about what things might look like at the hospital. What is normal? Will someone be there with us since you are in Kansas? I guess our birth mother has mentioned that she wants some time alone with the baby right after the birth and then again before leaving the hospital. Is this normal or should we be concerned? We have the match manual and will be reading it in its entirety tonight. Thanks for your support.

A. Hi there, good questions. I don’t think it is too soon to begin thinking about the hospital experience at this point. However, more information will be known as the match progresses so we will continue to talk more about this as time goes by. Definitely review your match manual as that yields a lot of helpful information about this stage of the process. It is always good to begin thinking about things and considering different scenarios so you can feel prepared for whatever comes up throughout your match. The key in any match is flexibility and understanding that there will be areas where you do not have control. That can be very hard to muster for many but it is essential to let the birth parents decide how they want things to happen so they feel comfortable with their adoption plan.

To answer your first question, during much of the hospital experience, an adoption professional will not be at the hospital with you. The hospital social worker should be available and you may visit with him/her throughout, but their involvement in the adoption varies. Since we are not there in your state, the attorney we contracted with there will come to the hospital to sign documents with the birth mother and coordinate discharge of the baby. You will have my cell phone number and your Birth Parent Specialist’s cell phone number so you may reach us after hours while you are at the hospital. During this time, the birth parent specialist will continue checking in on you and the birth mother and I will be available anytime and will check in on you as well. Even with us checking in, I encourage you to call if you have any questions or any concerns that you think we should be aware of.

Throughout the match and closer to the due date, your Birth Parent Specialist will have discussions with your birth mother about what she envisions happening at the hospital. Will she want you there for the delivery? Will she want you in the delivery room with her or in the waiting room? Who else will she want to be there with her and who else would she like to meet you? Does she want to spend time with the baby? When she has the baby in her room does she want you in there along with her? Does she want alone time with the baby? Does she want you to be able to have access to the baby in a separate room or the nursery? These are all options that birth mothers can consider for her time in the hospital. We will also check with the hospital social worker prior to the adoption to see how they typically handle adoptions. Often, hospitals have policies of their own that we may or may not have to incorporate into the plan also.

These issues will definitely be discussed as your birth mother is prepared and counseled by her specialist. They will talk about her decisions and talk about the pros and cons of those decisions and what she may expect to feel. Some birth mothers are able to verbalize exactly how they want things to happen at the hospital and some birth mothers are not sure what they will want. No matter what, it is important that you arrive at the hospital ready to be as accommodating to her as possible and follow guidance from us. You will want to always check in with her and ask her if she wants to visit for a while, wants some time alone, wants to hold the baby, wants you to bring her anything etc. It is also crucial that you be flexible and understand that things can change at any time. For instance, a family may be prepared that their birth mother does not want to meet them or see the baby, but then she changes her mind and they end up meeting and she ends up spending time with the baby. It is important that you are flexible to change and put your own emotions and desires aside to attend to what she is going through.

The hours at the hospital can be very emotional and we know that it is natural to have your guard up for protection, but is important that you do not act guarded during your interactions with your birth mother or her family/friends. (That’s what you have our phone numbers for). There will likely be feelings of anxiety, overwhelming joy, sadness and fear. Everyone involved in the adoption will be feeling mixtures of emotions. It can be a very magical time so embrace the short time you will have and try to take in every detail that your child may want to know someday when asking about their birth.

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