Families Open to Open Adoption or Full African-American Child Needed

American Adoptions is currently in need of waiting families who are willing to accept a full African-American child or who are open to an open adoption. If you are a current waiting family and wish to change your APQ preferences, please contact your Adoptive Family Specialist. If you are in the process of joining our agency, but have not yet submitted an APQ to us, please consider these options. American Adoptions is in need of waiting families who are flexible with their choices and open to a broad range of situations.

In Her Own Words

April's Birth Mother Story

When I found out I was pregnant I was 20 years old, had a 1 yr old baby, constantly arguing with my boyfriend, and living in a hotel. I obviously was in no mental or financial shape to have another child.

It was the day after I participated in our blood drive at work. I was not feeling well, so I left work early. I remember going to my aunt's house and her and my grandmother-in-law telling me I was pregnant. I refused to believe it since I was on the pill. After talking with my boyfriend, Billy, I finally decided to take a pregnancy test. Aunt Lisa and I went to the drug store and bought one of those two packs because I wanted to be sure. I took the first one the next morning and not believing the result took the second. It too was positive. After telling Billy all I did was cry. He tried to comfort me but I knew he was upset too. After seeing the doctor and having it confirmed I started thinking about my options. I knew I could never have an abortion because I just don't believe in that for myself, so I started looking into adoption. I contacted a couple agencies and after a few uncomfortable experiences I found American Adoptions. From the very first time I called I knew I had found the right people to help me with the hardest decision I would ever have to make in my life.

After that first phone call I received a large envelope in the mail with a lot of information about the company and some adoptive family profiles. I read every page and still have most of it to this day. We decided to meet one couple, "J & C." First we had a conference call with them and our case worker from American Adoptions. By the time we hung up we had set up a dinner meeting with "J & C," but Billy and I knew the meeting was not necessary because these were the people we wanted to raise our daughter.

We had dinner at a local diner with our 1 yr old son, "J & C," and Billy and I. My son immediately liked them and he was a great judge of character. They were wonderful with him. I knew it that moment that they would be wonderful parents. When we got home that night we called American Adoptions and told them that we wanted to know what the next step was since we found the perfect family.

As the months went by we had little contact with the adoptive parents, but when I went into labor on July 18, 2001 that all changed. My water broke early in the morning and by 1:30 My baby girl Katherine Diane was born weighing 9lbs 4oz. I chose not to see her that day which I have regretted every day since then. That evening "J & C" came to see me in my hospital room and they were wonderful. I could tell we had just made their dreams come true.

The next morning I went to see Katherine in the nursery and didn't want to leave. Leaving that hospital without her was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know she is happy and has great parents.

Since the adoption was finalized I have kept in contact with Katherine and her family. She is growing into the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. She has traveled the world, is learning German, tap, ballet and many other wonderful things that I would have never been able to provide for her.

I believe that God has a reason for everything that happens in life. I do believe that I was shown the reason for choosing "J & C" on September 1, 2001. See, "C" worked in World Trade Center Tower 2. The day of the attacks she was home still on leave with Katherine. That day, sadly, many of her co-workers perished, but I believe that Katherine was her angel and save her that day. It doesn't make all the pain go away, but it does help in coping with the choice that we made.

I know that not everyone has the same adoption experience, but we were extremely lucky to find a wonderful family who was willing to have an open adoption so that we will at least know she is OK.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

I wish you all be best in whatever choice you make.

God Bless you and yours!!

Questions & Answers With Megan

Megan
Kautio

Hello everyone, my name is Megan Kautio and I am an Adoptive Family Specialist with American Adoptions. I have had many wonderful experiences over time working with both birth parents and adoptive families. I use this weekly column to try and provide continued education and support to our clients based on questions that have been posed. My current role at American Adoptions is to advocate for and support our prospective adoptive families who are involved in our adoption process. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with all of you.

Q. We went through a failed match with a birth mother recently on our own before joining your agency and were devastated. We felt so close to finally having our dream come true and then it just fell apart and there was nothing we could do. Our question to you is how do we work through this so we are ready for our next match? We are afraid that we will not be able to open up or trust the next birth mother and don't want to do anything wrong. Do you think we will ever be parents?

A. First, let me express again my condolences for this loss. This is not an easy journey and it certainly does not always feel good. Failed matches usually bring up other losses you may have experienced along the way, so emotions are very raw right now. Allow yourself to be hurt and acknowledge your frustrations. Just as it is crucial for a family to work through the losses associated with infertility before moving to adoption, it is crucial for a family to work through a failed match before jumping with two feet into another match. Adoption is not simple and is definitely a process…there will usually be some sort of setbacks, but there will also be the miraculous moment when you become parents. It is certainly not fair that some couples have a more difficult process than others, much like many things in life that are not fair. We have to work for a successful adoption and take risks that don't always feel very comfortable to gain big rewards.

When things go wrong, there are not always easy answers to why things happened the way they did. There is not always someone to blame. This makes it harder to accept, but often with loss we are left wondering why and that is something we have to work to accept and learn to live with. Things definitely don't always make sense…often things won't make sense until we reflect back. I honestly believe that things happen the way they do for a reason in adoption. I am not a fan of the simple answer, "What is meant to be, will be" or "Everything happens for a reason" because sometimes you really can't find a good reason for why something bad happened. I do however believe that things work out as they are meant to be in adoption. We cannot control the outcomes but fortunately it seems more times than not, there is a happy ending. It is normal for you to question things more after having a failed match or to feel more fearful. However, you have to keep in perspective that every single birth mother is unique and so is every adoption experience. One cannot be compared to another. What works best for one situation may not for another and vice versa. You have to put your trust in the process and our guidance and resign to give it your all. The next birth mother who chooses you to adopt her baby deserves your trust and ability to create a caring relationship with her.

Use this time while you are waiting for your new match to work through your hurt, anger, disbelief, and any other emotions you are feeling. You need to allow yourself to feel all of them to truly allow yourself to move forward. If you don't allow yourself to stay in the hurt and really deal with the emotions, they will come back later in some way and can end up causing more hurt. This has happened with some couples I have worked with before. They find they cannot be successful with adoption because they have never fully allowed themselves to be angry, sad, scared about their infertility and therefore have never fully come to accept adoption in their lives. They move through the motions without even realizing they are not really ready for everything they are doing. So, use this time to work through all these feelings and you will find hope and trust again. Do not be afraid to talk with each other, talk with your Adoption Specialists, talk with a counselor or talk with other families who have been in your shoes before. Many families have successfully adopted after a long journey and failed adoption(s). If you talk to any of them, they will tell you that they would not change a thing because in the end they were blessed with their child, the perfect child for them. This is where I think things happen as they are meant in adoption … the right baby seems to find the right family. Sometimes it takes longer than you hoped or anticipated, sometimes it costs more than you hoped or anticipated and sometimes you are left to experience more loss than you hoped or anticipated. These things are impossible to make sense of at the time, but it usually makes sense in the end. I do think you will be parents. I believe that you can be successful at this. Not every couple who sets out to adopt becomes parents through adoption, but if a family is determined, stays flexible and open to the joys of adoption and really listens to our input and suggestions, it will happen. "We all have the power to CHOOSE how we are going to react to any given situation, how INTENSE our feelings will be in that situation, and how LONG we will hang on to those feelings."
--Charlene Krogg

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