The New Look of American Adoptions!

Breaking the News

Sharing your adoption decision with friends, family

Deciding to take that first step in pursuing adoption can be an exciting, but equally intimidating, step to make for many couples.

For some couples, the choice to pursue adoption is an easy one, while others may come to their decision after hours of careful consideration and a great amount of inner-reflection.

However, many waiting families often find themselves apprehensive - even nervous - about how to tell family, friends and neighbors about their decision to pursue adoption.

The answer depends on what you and your spouse are comfortable with. Some families may have already told friends, neighbors and extended family members about the adoption, while others may have chosen to keep it just between themselves and a few select people. You also don't have to tell anyone at all about your plan until you are matched, or are preparing to bring home your baby.

If you already have children in the house, you are likely pondering the best approach when you tell them the news about their new brother or sister.

It is a great opportunity to talk to your child about how families are created and the many different ways that families can be formed. If your child is adopted, it can create a safe environment to talk with them about their own adoption story and how special they are.

When you are matched with an expectant mother, it may not be wise to tell your child about the match or the specifics of when the baby is due. This is because if for any reason the match disrupts, your child will likely have a difficult time understanding why and it may bring up many other questions and emotions. You also may not wish to tell friends, neighbors and other family members about the potential match for the same reasons.

It is a normal reaction when you begin an adoption plan to want to immediately prepare a nursery, or to have friends offer to host a baby shower for you. While this is understandably an exciting, joyous time for you, you may want to instead plan on putting the finishing touches on the nursery and having a baby shower until after you bring the baby home.

Having a perfectly completed nursery or celebrating at a baby shower may actually make the wait harder for you. Having a room full of baby gifts or a completed nursery down the hall may make the wait seem as if it inching by. Likewise, if you were to experience a failed match with an expectant mother, having a room full of baby gifts may make it harder for you to move past that match and on with your adoption plan. There will be plenty of time once you bring the baby home to put those special touches on the nursery and to celebrate with a baby shower. Also, by waiting until after you bring the baby home, you will be able to make those special touches that complement your new baby's own unique personality.

Unfortunately, you may also encounter people that may react negatively when you tell them about your adoption plan. They may question why the "real" mother is "giving up" her baby. This can be an opportunity to educate them about modern adoption and gives you the chance to point out that such negative language can be very hurtful to both adoptive parents and birth parents. Many times you find that people do not intend for such comments to be hurtful or insulting, they simply didn't realize that what they were saying had such a negative connotation.

This is an exciting time in your adoption journey, and whether or not you decide to share that excitement with family and friends, or keep it close to just you and your spouse for a little longer, that is completely your choice - this special journey is yours to cherish any way you choose.

Attention Adoptive Families - Share Your Insights With American Adoptions!

Although American Adoptions educates waiting families about what to expect during the adoption process, we also know that personal insight from adoption veterans is also a valuable resource for families who have just begun the process, or who are patiently waiting for "the call."

American Adoptions would like to share insight from some of our past adoptive families with families new to this process. Topics include:

• Taking the First Step - Taking the first step to begin your adoption journey is often the scariest step of all. What thoughts, emotions and fears did you experience? What words of wisdom can you give to other couples just starting their adoption journey?
• The Wait - The paperwork is in, the home study is done and the profile is completed - now what? Many families finding themselves anxious during the wait for "the call." What types of activities did you do to keep yourselves busy during this exciting time?
• Adopting Domestically and Internationally - If you have adopted both domestically and internationally share your stories with us! How did the experiences differ? Where there any similarities? How do handle/plan to handle questions from your children regarding their adoptions?

If you would like to submit a narrative about any of the topics above, please e-mail it to editors@americanadoptions.com. Selected narratives will be printed in American Adoptions Weekly and will also be available on our Web site. Due to confidentiality, no last names will be reprinted.

Questions & Answers With Laurie

Laurie
Walker

Hello everyone, my name is Laurie Walker and I am an Adoptive Family Specialist with American Adoptions. I have worked with many birth mothers and adoptive families in my time here at American Adoptions and love being able to watch families form through adoption.

Q. We are considering being open to having a preplacement visit with the birth mother, but honestly this scares us to death. How in the world do we keep our confidentiality safe when visiting her? Who will be there and where will this take place. We have so many questions…

A. First, let me assure you that you are not alone in feeling apprehensive to have contact with birth parents. It is expected for you to be nervous and we will help you prepare for a visit before it even happens to help lessen those nerves. You might even be surprised to hear that many birth mothers feel very similar feelings. They feel nervous before having their first conference call with you, they feel scared that you will not like them and in turn will not want to adopt their baby; they also often have no clue what to talk about when meeting you. Remember that most birth parents have never been through something like this either and it is hard for them to know what to expect.

More often than not, you will have a conference call or even multiple calls with the birth mother prior to having a preplacement visit. We will prepare you for this call prior to it happening as well and more than likely, we will be on the call to help facilitate the conversation. This is a great ice breaker and can make the visit less scary as you often do get a better sense of who she is and how well you interact with one another after this conference call. Whether or not a preplacement visit occurs depends on a few things such as how much time we have before the birth mother's due date and does everyone agree to have one. Most preplacements visits occur by having the adoptive couple travel to the birth mother's home town for the visit. Sometimes lunch or dinner is scheduled and all talk to establish even more comfort with the adoption plan. Sometimes, the birth mother asks others who are a support to her to also attend the meeting. At times, a social worker is present for this meeting, but it's not a commonly requested scenario. We only have an adoption professional attend this visit if the birth mother is requesting this. More times than not she wants to truly get to know what type of people the adoptive couple are and would feel as if the social worker is leading the visit instead of allowing it to naturally happen. Therefore, birth mothers often do not wish for the social worker to be present. Additional to spending a meal time together, many times the visit involves whatever feels comfortable to all. Some examples of what else has occurred include: touring the hospital together, attending a dr. appointment with the birth mother, touring the town together, or even shopping for baby items for the first photos together. We know of a family and birth mother who all even went karoaking together because they all enjoyed that type of entertainment (of course that is no where near the norm of what occurs though).

It's important to be yourselves during the visit. This is not an interview as the birth mother has already chosen you at this point, however it's important to remember the goal of the visit is to allow her to get to know you even more to lessen her own fears about the child's future. The more open (and this does not mean open to sharing confidential information or having visits in the future), but the more open a family is about sharing information about themselves and their lives and truly cares and communicates with the birth mother, the more trust the birth mother will have and the more likely she will commit to her adoption plan.

As far as maintaining your confidentiality during the visit, there are ways to do this. For example, you can pay with cash instead of your debit card to avoid the waiter from stating your name in front of the birth mother. That is one simple step you can take to maintain your confidentially if that is a big issue for you. I would however encourage you to speak to your Adoptive Family Specialist about confidentiality in general. Many families become unnecessarily overly concerned about keeping information from the birth mother. Never have I had a birth mother I've worked with show up on a family's door step as many fear when they state a wish to keep their confidentiality. Most of the time when a family has disclosed more personal information with a birth mother, it has created more trust between everyone and made the birthmother feel that much more comfortable with placing her child in the care of the adoptive couple. This does not mean she expects yearly visits with you after placing her child with you. She does however have much trust to gain with you and is more focused on the rest of the child's life being safe and wonderful and does not have a wish to disrupt yours or the child's life in the future. There is no need to drive a friend's car to the visit or hide your license plate from the birth mother. There is no need to lie to her when your conversation begins to open up. She is not a detective waiting to write down any information she learns about you to steal your complete identity. She is a loving person who is considering making a better life for her child by choosing adoption.

My biggest piece of advice for you to help calm your nerves about birth mothers is to try and put yourself in their shoes and understand their intentions. When a birth parent wants to have contact with you, it is because she wants to know you and envision you giving her child everything she cannot. When she meets you and can feel your warmth toward her and see the joy in your eyes, it can make her feel even more reassured of her decision. Many birth mothers I have spoken with have said that the contact they got to have with the adoptive parents before the placement is what helped them choose adoption and is what helps them feel comfortable day after day and year after year with their adoption decision. If a birth mother feels comfortable with her decision, she is going to grieve more properly and when she feels positive about her decision and grieves in a healthy manner, the last thing she will want to do is anything that would hurt her child or be confusing or detrimental. These are the norms that I see. So, my suggestion is to try and go with the flow as much as you possibly can and develop whatever relationship feels comfortable to everyone involved, whether that be more open than you once thought you may be or whether that be just having the required contact through the agency. Things will become more clear and comfortable when you are in a real match situation so try not to overanalyze too much.

Thank you for asking this question! I think it is a very common apprehension for most prospective adoptive parents.

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