In Their Own Words: Jay, Jennifer and Gibson's Adoption Story

We wouldn't be writing this letter if it wasn't for American Adoptions and our wonderful birthmother! We extend our gratitude to American Adoptions for all of your hard work and dedication to us during the whole process.

At this time, we didn't waste any time before contacting American Adoptions on January 2, 2009. We quickly sent in our application fee and began working on our profile, gathering photographs, and answering our APQ. We went active with American Adoptions on February 11, 2009 and we got "the call" about our match on March 11, 2009. One month to the day of going active. I can't begin to tell you the amount of joy we felt when receiving the news we were chosen by a birthmother and she was expecting a baby boy due any day. During this time Jenn talked to Gibson's birthmother over the phone several times before she called us exactly two weeks later and let us know she was being sent the hospital for a C-Section that afternoon. She was sorry we were going to miss his grand entrance into the world. We decided to drive the 9 hours to meet them. We met with "our" birthmother as soon as we arrived at the hospital. We were so excited and nervous but we never expected the experience we had with her to be so amazing! We talked with her for about an hour before meeting our son. Gibson Michael was born on March 25th, 2009 at 6:38 p.m. He was 5 hours old when we first met. He was beautiful just like his birthmother.

We cared for Gibson during their stay in the hospital and visited frequently with his birthmother. We spent hours getting to know her and to learn what was important to her. We were blessed to get a photograph of her holding Gibson. He will treasure this photograph as much as we do now. There is not a doubt in our minds, that we were meant to find our way to one another. (Our birthmother said to Jenn during their first phone conversation not to be nervous. This has been in the making for a long time) Gibson's birthmother and Jenn share the same birthday as well as the same blood type O+. ( Gibson is O+ too) We learned so much from her marvelous strength, courage, and selflessness.

We have been home now for 3 months. We keep in touch with his birthmother via telephone and pictures and are enlightened by the amount of unconditional love she had for Gibson

We Want to Hear from You!

Questions & Answers With Laurie

Laurie
Walker

Hello everyone, my name is Laurie Walker and I am an Adoptive Family Specialist with American Adoptions. I have worked with many birth mothers and adoptive families in my time here at American Adoptions and love being able to watch families form through adoption.

Q. We are an American Adoptions adoptive family having adopted our daughter through the agency in 2003 (she's now 6!!!). I also have started an adoptive parents support group in our region, so have all kinds of discussions on various issues, fun and serious ones, on a regular basis!

One thing that comes up pretty often is the whole issue of information and contact possibilities available online, especially through programs like MySpace and Facebook. I have been able to ''find'' people I never thought I could through these means, and as my children grow (we now have 4 adopted children -- 2 international adoptions and 2 domestic (Canada) -- I worry that they will, sooner than later, find their birthparents. I will fully support them if and when they wish to search, but my worry is that they may get in touch with them before they're ready, emotionally, to do so. Any recommendations you can give us? We've heard of birthparents ''finding'' their children through Facebook, without the adoptive parents knowing -- some with good outcomes, some not so good.

I have been able to ''find'' our daughter's birthmom through the internet, without sending her a message or anything -- I would be so afraid that I'm intruding in her life and going against her wishes. At the same time, I wonder if she would want such contact with us and through us with her birthdaughter. It brings on all kinds of mixed emotions, as you can well appreciate.

Any ideas, comments or recommendations regarding these situations would be greatly appreciated.

A. The subject of how to handle the continued explosion of social media being used by such a wide spread population is actually an up and coming common topic when it comes to the world of adoption. Many of the younger generation use these tools on a daily basis more so than phone calls and emails and this has produced the request of birth mothers to also use these devices to communicate with the adoptive family pre and post adoption. This can be just fine to some families, while to others it could be quite uncomfortable or even foreign if they themselves aren't using these tools. Others such as yourselves have found their birth mothers through these avenues and feel some what of a snoop if they view their pages with out the birth mother's permission if her site is left open for just anyone to view. Some families have even seen that their child's birth mother has posted photos of the child on their page without the adoptive family being made aware. This all poses new situations for adoption professionals and adoptive families to have to come to an understanding on what works best.

My suggestion would be if you are currently using one of these sites and are not comfortable becoming "a friend" to the birth mother, set up your privacy options to keep those you do not request as a friend from finding your site. One suggestion to this option is to not use the same email address for your facebook/myspace page that you share with the birth mother as your page can be located by your email address. Contact Facebook or Myspace if you do not know how to change your privacy settings. If you are comfortable sharing your page with the birth mother, you can still select a privacy mode that will allow her to be your friend, but not have full access to your site. Others have set up an entirely different facebook/myspace page just for the birth mother so that other family and friends are not a part of your discussions. Others have chosen other forms of communication with the birth mother by letting her know they do not have a page set up, but would be comfortable setting up a separate web page to keep the birth mother updated, emailing, calling, or just sending pictures and letters through the agency. Whatever you are comfortable with is just fine. Use the assistance of your adoption specialist to bounce ideas off of if you are uncertain what your comfort truly is.

One thing I would not advise is when in a match, searching for your birth mother's page without her permission. Many families have done this only to have more anxiety over what they read on the site. For example, if the birth mother writes on her page something such as "just went to the dr. and am due in three weeks, can't wait"…an adoptive family might read this and think she's excited and wants to parent. In actuality, this could mean she is excited to not be pregnant and also to place the child with adoptive parents to help their miracle happen. Sure, she could also be excited to meet the baby she's been carrying for so many months, but this does not translate into this adoption moving to a disruption. I would advise to stay away from your urges to snoop unless given permission. In your circumstance where the adoption has already occurred and you are wondering if the birth mother would be open to communicating in this fashion, I would advise to write to your birth mother in a letter if you send pictures and letters and ask if she'd also like this option. I would not blindly try to "friend" her. That certainly could be uncomfortable for her. She might feel blindsided or feel obligated to say yes. Writing to her in a letter gives her time to respond and an easier outlet to decline if this would not be comfortable for her. However, she might love this option and be so grateful for you reaching out to her in this way so I would advise to ask if you feel ok with this option.

When it comes to your child's birth mother and their use of social media tools, please know that they may talk about their adoption on their site. They may even post photos of the child on their site as they are proud of their adoption decision and want to share the positive information they are gaining from you about the child's development in your loving home with others who care about them for additional support. Passing on this information to those in her circle could provide her better support from friends and family about her adoption decision. No longer is it viewed to others as if she "gave her baby to strangers". Her support is more likely able to see that she did make a loving and well thought out decision and provide her better feedback when she needs to talk about her experience with them. To many, this is similar to passing around a photo album to others to share in their life experiences. Some families have felt uncomfortable with their birth mother posting information about their adoption. Some have even worried about the safety of their child with this occurring. It's highly unlikely that anyone would be able to connect the dots or even have a desire to in order to locate the child in your home by the birth mother posting photos of the child. Even if we as an agency passed on your request to take the photos down, she is not obligated to do so. Short of asking her to take the photos down, which could be very hurtful to her, the only other option is to ask that she set up her own privacy mode to ensure strangers can't view her page, this way the photos are truly only being shared with her friends and family members.

When it comes to your children aging and having access to these types of communication options, you as the parent will need to determine what is right for your child. If you allow your child to have access to this type of social media, knowing what the privacy options are would surely benefit you as a parent. Having the birth mother reach out to your child by finding them in this manner before they are ready to have communication with their birth family is not ideal. This is why learning about your privacy options is so important. Of course, it's probably next to impossible to stop the child from searching for their birth family if they have this curiosity so open communication about their adoption in the household is the best option. Having the talk that if or when they become interested in searching you'd be supportive and would like to be involved to help them during that time would hopefully help you to ensure their well being during that time. Many adoptees that choose not to involve their parents in their birth parent search have stated they have done so because they fear the search would hurt their adoptive parents' feelings. If adoption had been an open discussion and the talk about the birth parent search was initiated by their adoptive parents, many would have chosen to keep their parents updated on any desires to do so. Remember, many adoptees however choose to never search for their birth parents so it's important to ensure they know you support either decision.

Best of luck with this subject in your household and if you have further thoughts or questions, please our agency know.

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