Reflections: An Adoptive Mother Shares Her Insights into Raising an Adopted Child

Editors Note: The following is an interview with Cheryl, a mother who adopted her son, Garrett, with American Adoptions. Cheryl reflects back on her own adoption journey, as well as what it's really like to raise an adopted child. Read Cheryl's adoption story here.

Q. Many families fear they will be unable to love an adopted child as they would a biological one. Have you ever felt this way?

A. Wow, I am trying to remember all my thoughts and fears back in 1995-1996 while waiting for our son. The one thing I still remember while waiting for Garrett was, what if the baby they give me is ugly? Will I still be able to love them? Boy, that seems so silly now but it sure had me worried then. But from the moment I laid eyes on my son, he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen! Loving him was instantaneous! And it was so REAL! And you know what else? I didn't care one bit what he looked like! I saw him through love and that made him MY beautiful son. As time has gone by, I can't even imagine not having Garrett in my life and I know that, without a doubt, God had him planned for me to parent long before I yearned to be a mother. Having faith that God will work His plan and place YOUR child in your arms when the time is right, then you should have no fears or worries that you will love him because he will be YOURS.

Q. How and when did you tell your son about his adoption?

A. There are tons of material and resources out there on how to tell your child he is adopted. We never hid this from Garrett and spoke very openly about it. Adoption is just another way to have a family. Since Garrett resembled my husband since they both wore crew cuts, many people would tell me how much they looked alike. I would smile most of the time but there were times when I would proudly say Garrett was adopted and that "God knew what He was doing didn't He? I usually said things like that with Garrett being close enough to hear. We also had many age appropriate books to read, talking about adoption. It wasn't until a couple of years ago, I guess he was 8, when he began to ask basic questions which were more like statements like, "I came from somebody else's belly which makes me adopted, right?" And with each inquiry, I tell Garrett that he may have come from another mommy's tummy, but he was always supposed to be Garrett, my son! This is the constant theme I continue to say as I truly believe it. Self esteem is a big issue for kids and I don't want Garrett to ever think of the "what if" part of adoption because there is no "what ifs" in God's plan.

The best advice I can give is, don't sweat too much about it. They will lead the discussion when they are ready, then answer the questions and only the questions and if you are open and honest, they will trust you and continue to come back as they process what it means to be adopted.

Q. How did friends, family, etc. react when you told them you were planning to adopt?

A. The best part about being open about adoption and telling others is you become so amazed at how many other people have adopted, have gone down the very path you are on and how much adoption has touched them. Many more will have a story to tell about how adoption in some way has touched their lives. I can't even tell you how many of my friends have adopted, and how many kids in Garrett's class are also adopted! We are a huge segment of the American population, families who are created by adoption! It is such a wonderful thing, I can't imagine not sharing it with friends, family and loved ones! I think that what many of us experience in the beginning is "embarrassment" for lack of a better word, that we could not conceive a child of our own. Having to in a way admit defeat in that area was a struggle for me. But once I made up my mind that adoption would be the way to motherhood, I discovered a whole new world of other "mommy's in waiting" and we all celebrated the arrivals of our little ones! In fact, I had one co-worker that found her twins through her openness for wanting to adopt.

Q. Looking back on your own adoption journey, what advice can you give to families who are currently waiting?

A. I think the wait is the hardest thing, and you have to continue living your life while you do so. Don't get caught up with the waiting game. I waited a long time to be a mom but my husband and I traveled, went out with friends, took classes, I even trained and ran my very first 5K, which I ran on the day my son was born! And just remember, your child is planned and will arrive "right on time." You will have not doubts about that year's later when you look back! Keep your faith and trust that God will deliver to you what you prayed for … a child of your own … in His time.

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Questions & Answers With Laurie

Laurie
Walker

Hello everyone, my name is Laurie Walker and I am an Adoptive Family Specialist with American Adoptions. I have worked with many birth mothers and adoptive families in my time here at American Adoptions and love being able to watch families form through adoption.

Q. What types of screenings are typically done on a newborn at the hospital?

A. Below is a list of the most common screens we see completed.

#1 Activity, Pulse, Grimace, Appearance, and Respiration (APGAR) Scoring:
APGAR scoring is the very first test given a newborn, the Apgar score occurs right after your baby's birth in the delivery or birthing room. The test was designed to quickly evaluate a newborn's physical condition after delivery and to determine any immediate need for extra medical or emergency care. Although the Apgar score was developed in 1952 by an anesthesiologist named Virginia Apgar, you may have also heard it referred to as an acronym for: Activity, Pulse, Grimace, Appearance, and Respiration. The Apgar test is usually given to your baby twice: once at 1 minute after birth, and again at 5 minutes after birth. Rarely, if there are serious problems with the baby's condition and the first two scores are low, the test may be scored for a third time at 10 minutes after birth. Five factors are used to evaluate the baby's condition and each factor is scored on a scale of 0 to 2:

heart rate (pulse)
breathing (rate and effort)
activity and muscle tone
grimace response (medically known as "reflex irritability")
appearance (skin coloration)

Doctors, midwives, or nurses add these five factors together to calculate the Apgar score. Scores obtainable are between 10 and 0, with 10 being the highest possible score. A baby who scores a 7 or above on the test at 1 minute after birth is generally considered in good health. However, a lower score doesn't necessarily mean that your baby is unhealthy or abnormal. Some babies are born with heart or lung conditions or other problems that require extra medical care; others just take a little longer than usual to adjust to life outside the womb.

#2 Phenylketonuria (PKU) Test:
Every state now screens the blood phenylalanine level of all newborns at about 3 days of age. This test is one of several newborn screening tests performed before or soon after discharge from the hospital. Usually, a few drops of blood are obtained by a small prick on the heel, placed on a card, and then sent for measurement. If the screening test is abnormal, other tests are needed to confirm or exclude PKU. Newborn screening allows early identification and early implementation of treatment. Currently, most symptoms of untreated PKU are avoided by newborn screening, early identification, and management. PKU symptoms are rare.

#3 Hearing Screening:
Hearing screening for newborns before they leave the hospital or maternity center is becoming a common practice. The screening of newborns and infants involves use of non-invasive, objective physiologic measures that include otoacoustic emissions (OAEs) and/or auditory brainstem response (ABR). Both procedures can be done painlessly while the infant is resting quietly. Infants who do not pass a screening (which happens a lot when all is still fine) are often given a second screening to confirm findings and then referred for follow-up audiological and medical evaluations that should occur no later than 3 months of age.

What are people referring to when they mention the NICU?
NICU stands for the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. It is not an unlikely scenario that one could find themselves having a NICU experience. If a baby is born premature, with fluid in the lungs, initial breathing difficulty, with an infection etc. the baby could spend some time in the NICU. Many adoptive couples have had similar experiences and have initially found themselves quite intimidated by the NICU. The majority of these babies just need some special attention and eventually are discharged from the NICU to normal care. If you find yourselves in a similar experience, utilize your Adoption Specialist during that time who can likely provide some good support or even put you in contact with an Adoptive Couple who have been through this experience who can guide you through the unexpected emotions that you might face.

What types of vaccinations might the baby receive in the hospital?
Most vaccinations don't begin at this stage, however one vaccination that is often offered in the hospital is the Hepatitis B vaccination. If you choose to do this vaccination, the baby will need a series of three total shots, but only the first will be given in the hospital. Because of the nature of adoption and transfer of custody not being given to the family prior to the baby's discharge, many times these vaccinations aren't given until the baby's first visit with their own pediatrician. Sometimes, the birth mother will sign something allowing this vaccination to be given. You are recommended to talk to your pediatrician about their recommendations about having this done in the hospital or waiting to have it done later by your pediatrician.

Are we able to request other testing if we want?
A family is allowed to request additional testing and screening to be completed on the baby at their own expense. However, further testing that is not being ordered by the doctors must often be done at a later date once the family has taken custody of the baby. Just remember that hospitals have standard procedures and will ensure that all proper screenings they feel are necessary at the time are complete. It is pretty common practice for hospitals to complete blood tests and drug screenings if the baby is showing any unusual signs or behaviors, is born premature, or if birth mother received very little to no prenatal care.

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