To Tell or Not?

Sharing your decision to adopt with others

Once your family has completed all of the necessary steps to become active within an agency, it may feel as if you have already come a long way on your adoption journey - and you have.

When your family profile, scrapbook, etc. begins to be shown to expectant mothers, it can be a time of great excitement. Your heart may jump a little with every telephone ring, or you may find yourself gazing at tiny footed pajamas in the department store, wondering if you will be buying pink or blue clothes soon.

In this time of anticipation and excitement, you may also be wondering what to tell people about your choice to pursue adoption.

The answer depends on what you and your spouse are comfortable with. Some families may have already told friends, neighbors and extended family members about the adoption, while others may have chosen to keep it just between themselves and a few select people. You also don't have to tell anyone at all about your plan until you are matched, or are preparing to bring home your baby.

If you do decide to speak with people about your adoption plan, also remember that you do not need to share any details that you aren't comfortable with. Likewise, if you tire of people asking you "have you heard anything?" you can simply tell them that you'll let them know the moment you hear of anything.

Unfortunately, you may also encounter people that may react negatively when you tell them about your adoption plan. They may question why the "real" mother is "giving up" her baby. This can be an opportunity to educate them about modern adoption and gives you the chance to point out that such negative language can be very hurtful to both adoptive parents and birth parents. Many times you find that people do not intend for such comments to be hurtful or insulting, they simply didn't realize that what they were saying had such a negative connotation.

This is an exciting time in your adoption journey, and whether or not you decide to share that excitement with family and friends, or keep it close to just you and your spouse for a little longer, that is completely your choice - this special journey is yours to cherish anyway you choose.

Connect With Other Waiting Families!

The American Adoptions forum gives families the unique opportunity to connect with fellow waiting couples, as well as other adoptive families who all too well what it's like to wait for "the" phone call. Share your excitement, joys and even seek support from others who are also on their own adoption journey.

Registration is free and easy. Visit the forum today!

Questions & Answers With Megan

Megan
Kautio

Hello everyone, my name is Megan Kautio and I am an Adoptive Family Specialist with American Adoptions. I have had many wonderful experiences over time working with both birth parents and adoptive families. I use this weekly column to try and provide continued education and support to our clients based on questions that have been posed. My current role at American Adoptions is to advocate for and support our prospective adoptive families who are involved in our adoption process. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with all of you.

Q. My adoption is now final and I am debating whether or not I should tell my daughter. I am leaning more towards no the more I talk to people who have been adopted the more I feel that is the right decision. I don't want her to have to feel the pain of dealing with why her mother did not want her or if she never was to find her that void that would always be in her. When I talk with my family they all say I should not tell her and that she is as much part of the family as any one else. But when I talk to outsiders I get mixed reviews. I would like to hear from the adoption community to see their views.

A. Thank you for writing and bringing up such good questions. I would imagine that if you ask anyone in the adoption community this question, you will hear that children need to know about their adoption story and that they need to be told as early in life as possible. Now, that doesn't mean that adoptive parents can prepare to have one conversation with their child and be done. Talking with your child about their adoption is something that will transpire over their lifetime and should be age appropriate. For instance, a child's understanding and acceptance of adoption will look very different at different stages of life. Up until 4 years of age a child won't really understand the difference between themselves and other children who are not adopted and they may feel special for being adopted. At 5 years of age they may ask lots of questions and love to hear about their adoption story and by age 10 they will understand basic concepts of adoption and realize what having birth parents means. Adoptive parenting is different than biological parenting. Similar to how there are differences between the roles a single parent may need to fill as opposed to two parents. Talking about adoption with a child will not create the issues; not giving them knowledge of their story, support when they are in pain and proper guidance to help them develop a healthy sense of self will create issues. Let us review each of your comments/questions because you have made valid points that I think many adoptive parents would probably echo or wonder also.

When you say that you do not want her to have to deal with the pain of dealing with why her mother did not want her or feel a void in her life, I get it and think that's a natural response for parents. No parent wants their child to feel pain and there is a need to go to great lengths to protect them. However, in my opinion, thinking that a child is better shielded from pain by simply not telling them about their birth family and adoption is wrong. Open communication and truth is the best way adoptive parents can help their child with possible pain from their adoption. In my opinion it is the only way. The first thing to accept is that there is loss in adoption and this loss is ambiguous or indefinite. There is not a closure like there is with death. Children need to be able to experience their feelings of loss and grief and as parents we need to help them through this experience and give them information and tools to work through it.

It is wrong to not tell a child such a key part of their life story. When a child loses a parent, we can't lie or cover it up. We talk about it with them and help them express their pain and communicate openly so they can work through their loss. Keeping adoption a secret should not be an option either. It is a very difficult secret to keep especially as children grow up and ask questions; someone is bound to slip and tell the child the truth and by then it is too late; the parents will not be able to protect them or make sure the child hears correct information. I have talked with several adoptees that learned their story in this manner and not one told me that it was a positive way to learn about their adoption. Adoptive parents cannot take away the bad from adoption. When a child reaches the appropriate age (adolescence for most children, but this may vary with each child) they deserve to know as much about their birth parents as possible and there should not be any secrets, no matter how bad. People grieve better when they can visualize what it is they are grieving. In the past, adoption has been very secretive and it has been only in the past couple decades that professionals have learned that communication and knowing the truth are crucial for adoptees. Unfortunately there is still a lot of misinformation within the adoption community and especially outside the adoption community. Its important for every one who is touched by adoption to educate themselves and help educate the rest of the world.

Your family is right when they say that she is just as much a part of your family as anyone else. That is true and I am glad to hear that you have support like that from your family and friends because that will help shape the security your child feels about their adoption story and herself. It will be your role to make sure that she knows that she is adopted and that she knows that you are her mom and that grandma is grandma and that she also has a birth mother and birth father. I know this can seem very overwhelming and it's hard to know what the right thing to say is. It's hard to give too much information without knowing the specific details of your adoption story such as what age your child was at placement, what circumstances they may remember about their birth parents, etc. There are great adoption support groups in almost every community. These offer a great place for adoptive parents to come together and share stories, share ideas and help each other with difficulties. Some groups provide an outlet for children to play and hang out with other children who are adopted which can prove very helpful in allowing children to outwardly express what they are feeling and encourage open dialogue about adoption since they are with others who they can relate with. Reading books about adoption to your child from the onset of life is a highly recommended way to begin opening the door about adoption. It is also recommended for parents to continue reading books that are geared toward helping adoptive parents communicate effectively with their children, with teachers and family members and also how to cope with your own ups and downs that you may experience. Best of luck and thank you very much for sharing your questions with us.

Helpful publications/websites:

Adoptive Families Magazine: www.adoptivefamilies.com

The Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org

Tapestry Books www.tapestrybooks.com

Helpful Adoption Books:

Parent's Books:
Parenting Your Adopted Child: A Positive Approach to Building a Strong Family, by Andrew Adesman, M.D. and Christine Adamec
Raising Adopted Children, by Lois Ruskai Melina
Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the Adopted Child, by Holly van Gulden and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb
Talking To Your Child About Adoption, Patricia Martinez Dorner, M.A., L.P.C.
Talking with Young Children About Adoption, by Mary Watkins
The Family of Adoption, by Joyce Pavao
Beneath the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens, by Debbie Riley, M.S.
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, by Sherrie Eldridge

Children's Books: (You are encouraged to review first as some such as "Pugnose" are geared toward more open adoptions etc.)
How I Was Adopted, by Joanna Cole
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born, by Jamie Lee Curtis
The Mulberry Bird, by Anne Braff Brodzinsky
Twice Upon a Time: Born and Adopted, by Eleanora Patterson
Two Birthdays for Beth, by Gay Lynn Cronin
W.I.S.E. UP Powerbook, by Marilyn Schoettle, MA
We See The Moon, by Carrie A. Kitze
Rosie's Family: An Adoption Story, by Lori Rosove
One Wonderful You, by Francie Portnoy
A is for Adopted, by Eileen Tucker Cosby
A Mother For Choco, by Keiko Kasza
A Place In My Heart, by Mary Grossnickle
Beginnings: How Families Come to Be, by Virginia Kroll
Pugnose has Two Special Families, by Karis Kruzel

For Family, Friends and Educators:
Supporting An Adoption, Pat Holmes
An Educator's Guide to Adoption, by Institute for Adoption Information
Adoption and the Schools: Resources for Parents and Teachers, by Lansing Wood and Nancy Ng
Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know, by Patricia Irwin Johnston

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