From the Mailbox: Reader Reactions
From the Editor: We received several comments from readers regarding the Questions and Answers with Megan column in Sept. 26 edition of American Adoptions News. Here are just a few of the comments
readers shared with us regarding the topic of discussing adoption with children:
Hi, thanks for the great response to the question about not wanting to tell a child she was adopted. My husband was adopted and not told, and it was a terrible experience for him, not just because of how he was
told, but also how he felt growing up like people were keeping something from him. Both our kids were adopted as infants, and I would hate to think of them having something so essential and important kept from them.
Just a note -- when children are small, they don't see adoption as a negative, so the worry about pain might be this mother's fear more than the reality, at least until adolescence; my daughter at almost eight doesn't
perceive of any negatives, because we have told her from the time she was very little that she was meant to be with us, and that adoption was a wonderful way for us to be together. We talk about her birth mother in a
loving way and hope that someday that she will meet her. I always tell her that I know from having met her birthmother that she loved her very much, and when she asks, I have told her that she was just not able to parent
a new baby at that time. She wasn't meant to be her mother. My daughter accepts this and also has said that she would like to meet her birth mother someday. I think our own attitudes and feelings about adoption are
reflected in our children's reactions, at least when they're little. Of course as teenagers, it may all change!
Thanks again,
-An adoptive mom
My husband and I agree not telling a child about their adoption is wrong. We recently adopted and plan to tell our child he is adopted as soon as he is old enough to understand. My husband's little sister was adopted
as an infant and found out when she was in high school because her birth sister brought it to her attention during an argument at school. It took a long time for his sister to get over the hurt because she wasn't told
earlier in life. I would think about what is best for the child before you decided not to tell your child.
-Justin and Melissa
American Adoptions News loves to hear from our readers! Please e-mail us anytime at editors@americanadoptions.com and let us know what
adoption topics are on your mind!
In Their Own Words
Shelly, Doug and Espen's Adoption Story
This is not only our story it is the story of a birth mom too…
Four months and a lifetime of change!
Our story is not so different from countless others. We tried repeatedly for 12 years to have a baby. After trials and drugs and the heartache of never getting pregnant, we rejoiced at the mutual decision to adopt.
And began a search for the right agency to work with - one that was compassionate to us but to the birth parents. And we found American Adoptions. We started the paperwork process in January, 2008 but faced several
challenges because of the state we lived in. Kelli at American Adoptions helped us throughout the process and imagine our excitement when in November 2008, our profile was active! We had a delightful exchange
student living with us that Christmas so our holidays were busy and filled and we didn't have time to worry about how long our wait would be. We constantly looked forward to being parents but enjoyed each day.
On March 27, 2009 we received the most wonderful call in our lives from Kelli! When she called we assumed we had more paperwork to do for our state or profile but instead she let us know that we had been chosen
by a birth mom and would we be interested in talking about the baby and perhaps changing our profile some. Without hesitation, we were happy to make adjustments and we were matched.
We learned that the baby was to be born in May and that it was a boy. We learned as much as we could from American Adoptions and we were enthusiastic to speak with Tia. That first phone call in early April was so
overwhelming for all of us but we managed and arranged another call. We provided Tia with as much information as she wanted and we offered her as much support as she could handle. Most of all we respected her
decisions.
April & May
brought us many opportunities to speak with Tia and exchange many emails. In early May (mother's day weekend) with support from American Adoptions we traveled to meet Tia. The nerves we all had! The meeting was
good for all of us and we met the next day as well before we left town. Tia was not only making the huge decision to adopt but wanted us to be there for the birth to give us the story of his arrival.
Memorial weekend arrived and we were finishing up our Friday's and planning on going to visit Tia again when to our surprise and delight, she called to say she was in labor. Within hours we were on the road. Tia
called from the hospital ever 30 minutes to give us updates. And we tried in holiday travel to hurry along but made it 20 minutes after he arrived into the world.
With great excitement we rushed into the hospital and stopped to see how Tia was and give some gifts. The nurses finally took us into the nursery where we were introduced to our new son. Tia had chosen not to
meet him or name him so we were fortunate to be able to do so. Espen was the most beautiful baby born that night!
We held and bonded with Espen over the next few days at the hospital and saw Tia a couple times. Over the next two weeks we would live in a hotel hours away from our home and families. We saw Tia several times
and even went with her to court. We were supportive and encouraging of Tia's decisions. Finally, the second week in June, we were able to head home!
After so many years of waiting the last four months with Espen have been delightful. Every day he brings us peace and happiness. We are constantly thankful for him and for all the people along the way who helped
us.
We are also thankful for those that helped Tia. Deciding on an adoption plan is one that involves every emotion imaginable. Tia gave us a miracle - a beautiful, happy, baby boy. Her loving decision has become our
tiny blessing. We still communicate with Tia. We send pictures and letters and email frequently. We celebrate and encourage her successes. And we love Espen every minute of every day.
Questions & Answers With Megan
 Megan
Kautio
Hello everyone, my name is Megan Kautio and I am an Adoptive Family Specialist with American Adoptions. I have had many wonderful experiences over time working with both
birth parents and adoptive families. I use this weekly column to try and provide continued education and support to our clients based on questions that have been posed. My current role at American Adoptions is to
advocate for and support our prospective adoptive families who are involved in our adoption
process. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with all of you.
Q.
We heard that American Adoptions has a pictures and letters contract that we will sign once we are matched and were wondering what this contract states exactly. We were also wondering if we wanted to send more than
what the contract states if that's ok?
A.
You are correct as there is a pictures and letters contract that all families sign when they receive a match with a birth mother. There is a standard contract that most families sign that states they will agree to send at least
4-6 pictures and a letter to the birth mother at the following intervals:
- Once within 30 days of the child's day of birth.
- Twice per year after that until the child is 5 years of age to be delivered every six months (on or around the child's birthday and then 6 months thereafter).
- Once per year from ages 6 to 18 to be delivered by the child's birthday.
Sometimes, a birth mother will request something a little different than the standard contract and sometimes she will not request to receive any pictures and letters at all. Even if she does not request them, we do
ask that families send them to the agency for 2 years just in case she changes her mind and does want to see them.
If you'd like to send more photos than the contract asks for or you'd like to send them more often, this is just fine and would be encouraged. Many families do send updates more often than their contract states and
send additional items as well. Some families send photos 4 times per year, 20 photos at a time, video tapes of the child, artwork the child created, etc. Some families and birth parents have kept additional contact
through emails and web pages which is also welcomed if both parties want to communicate in this format. One helpful tip to consider if you do decide to send items more frequently than the standard contract is to fully
inform the birth mother in your current letter of when you plan to send more. This type of notice is helpful because birth mothers do not have to wonder when something new will show up in their mail box and become
disappointed if it does not when she is guessing it will. It also allows her to emotionally prepare for the package to arrive instead of being shocked to find something from you in her mailbox unexpectedly.
Fully informing the birth mother of when your next package is coming is encouraged. For example, if your child's birthday is in October and you decide to do the minimum contract, your normal packages would
arrive around October and April. Let's say you do send photos in October and then at Christmas and again on Valentines Day because you decide to send the cute photos you've taken of your child on those occasions.
What can happen is she might be waiting for another package to show up in her mail box again every two months because she thinks you are sending them that often when really you just decided to do something a bit
more just those two times. This is great of you to do, but what would be very helpful to the birth mother is if in your October letter you state that you plan to send something to her after Christmas and then in that
package's letter, state that you plan to send something to her again after Valentines Day and then again in April. In April's letter it's especially important to prepare her to wait until October if you do not foresee any
holidays or times you'll be sending them and do plan to wait until after the child's birthday. Always try to give her an idea of when you'll be sending the next package. That way, it doesn't set up her for unnecessary
disappointment by trying to guess when the next package might be coming.
Pictures and letter correspondence is handled by American Adoptions and everything that you send for the birth parent(s) is logged into our system for tracking purposes, repackaged and forwarded to the birth
parent(s). Often families ask what happens if she moves or no longer receives the information and if this occurs, we will hold the correspondence until we get a new address and then forward the photos on. We
encourage both parties to keep American Adoptions apprised of address changes over the years.
Have a question for American Adoptions?
No matter what stage of the adoption process you are at, there are bound to be questions. Feel free to
submit your question to us for discussion in future newsletters.
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