Nora, Matt, and Kevin Michael's Story

In some ways, our domestic adoption story is "typical," in that there are far more successful, comfortable open adoptions out there than people realize. We are also among many adoptive parents who would not have thought open adoption would be right for us. But the increasingly open nature of our son's adoption is a part of our unique story that we wouldn't change for anything, and we hope that by sharing it, we might help other prospective adoptive parents shape a happy adoption story for their own families.

For starters, my husband and I are probably like a whole lot of couples out there - never thought we'd have trouble conceiving, went through the very long and slow process of trying to diagnose by process of elimination ... never got any answers, just, "this doesn't make sense -it looks so good on paper, and you're so young, blah, blah, blah." After two rounds of IVF (a total of four years of tests and treatments leading up to it), I was physically and emotionally exhausted and needed a break. So we started looking into adoption.

The moment we started investigating, it just felt right. My husband told me that when we decided to pursue adoption, it felt like I told him I was pregnant. We never looked back even in the general direction of needles, hormone pills and patches, 6 a.m. doctor's appointments, or weeks on end of feeling tired, defective, stressed, resentful and hurt. A million pounds came off my shoulders.

We decided on domestic adoption, and we looked into several agencies. American Adoptions impressed us with their thorough and professional nature, so we applied to start the process with them around the beginning of December 2005, and we started our home study shortly thereafter. In addition to their comprehensive and very warm approach, we liked and appreciated their honesty with regard to some of our concerns about adoption.

Every couple who pursues adoption worries about the baby's birth mother "changing her mind." This is a fear that can be very intense, and it can wrongly overshadow other elements of the adoption process. American Adoptions explained, as they do on their Web site, that they provide extensive counseling for birth parents and do not attempt to pressure or coerce them in any way, so decisions made by birth parents are their own and therefore tend to be made from a stronger place. Not only is this the ethical and respectful way to approach adoption, it also reduces the likelihood of a birth mother changing her mind, and thus eased our fears.

Our home study was finally finished at the beginning of April 2006, and we rushed everything out to American Adoptions to start the Big Wait. We settled in and started some house projects, relieved that the process was now out of OUR hands - we were relieved for the wait to be matched, because we went insane waiting for our home study to be finished. In our minds, it was far more tolerable to wait for someone to decide we're right for her baby than to wait for a bureaucracy.

We initially agreed to anything ranging from a closed adoption to semi-open, and we were even a little nervous about a semi-open adoption. We definitely (or so we thought) would never want personal information exchanged. I think I can admit now that in the beginning, we agreed to what was basically minimal contact, hoping we wouldn't be asked for more. I can admit this because I think many adoptive parents go into adoption with a set of ideas and beliefs shaped by the more sensationalistic adoption cases we've heard about in the news. And as an act of self protection, we lean toward what we feel will be the 'safest' adoption scenario.

A week later, as I was driving away from the school where I teach, my cell rang. The woman explained that she was from the agency and she had a birth mother who was interested in us as adoptive parents for her baby, due six weeks later. I'm still not sure how I navigated the expressways of Chicago while having this conversation (You'll be relieved to know that I was on a hands-free phone).

Holly's (our son's birth mom) situation is complicated, and out of respect for her, I'm leaving out most of the finer points. But she is currently raising three children with her husband, with whom she was briefly separated. While the two of them discussed raising this baby, her husband offering with his whole heart to raise it as his own, they decided together that this would be unfair to the baby. They were genuinely willing to include this baby among their children, but they bravely questioned whether that would, in practice, be possible for a number of reasons. So together they decided that adoption was the best option for their family.

These are two amazing people that I am humbled to know and even more humbled to have been chosen by. After we first met them Mother's Day weekend, we both cried and shook our heads and looked at each other, trying to get our brains around the idea that this woman was going to trust us with a baby she obviously cared very much about and wanted nothing but the best for.

Holly believes that God put us together, more so after she learned that we went on the list of available families one day before a packet of profiles for available families was mailed to her. She believes, as we do, that ALL of us went through our respective hard times so that we would find each other and Kevin Michael could become the child we had wished for, for so long. Beyond what I've said, I can't find the words to explain how dear Kevin's birth mom is to us, and how deeply we love, appreciate and respect her.

We were present for his birth - Matt cut the cord while I held Holly's hand and her husband held the other, and all of us cried. She arranged for us to have a private room at the hospital so we could spend Kevin's first night with him. She was right down the hall, and we all had dinner that night and breakfast the next morning together. She held him, took pictures with him, and explained to him that she had found the best parents out there for him, and said she knew he was going to be raised right. When she stopped by our room later to hug goodbye after all the paperwork had been signed, we were all teary-eyed, and Matt and I broke down and cried - HARD - as soon as she disappeared from the doorway. We were devastated that we would never see this amazing woman again. I felt like my guts were being torn out, both for our sakes and for our son's.

When we first exchanged letters a few weeks later in what was originally set up as a semi-open adoption, I immediately mentioned the possibility of more contact in the future. I had also mentioned this at the hospital when Kevin was born. As the weeks went by and we swiftly exceeded our meager two-per-year letter agreement, we began to talk more about a possible visit in the future. I never would have thought I would want such close contact with a birth mother. But Holly isn't a birth mother; she is our son's birth mother. And in a way I probably can't explain to anyone who hasn't yet adopted, she is family. I couldn't wait to see her again, and I couldn't wait for her to have a chance to see and visit with Kevin. She said she had some things she wanted to say to him that she wasn't feeling strong enough to say at the hospital. Additionally, she wanted to meet both of our parents, and they were very excited to meet her.

So five months after Kevin was born, Holly and her husband flew to Chicago to spend a weekend. We visited, ate pizza, saw tourist spots, hung out as one big, unique extended family and she got the time she needed to spend with Kevin. We were nervous, but not for any reason inspired by super-dramatic TV movies. We were nervous because we wanted Holly to know how much we love Kevin, and how much we love and appreciate her, and we wanted her to feel like she had made a good choice. When I drove them to the airport at the end of our weekend together, I didn't cry like I had at the hospital, because I know I'll see her again. And that feels so powerful and so right, to know that the incredible woman who brought my son into the world and helped us create our family will always be a part of it.

I want to point out that, throughout our adoption journey, American Adoptions was right by our side for all of our challenges and choices. From an article on their site about moving from infertility to adoption, all the way to our specialists' guidance in opening up our adoption more, we felt wholly supported and genuinely cared for. We have Kelli, Angie, Wade, Megan and others to thank for their advice, concern and heartfelt involvement over the past year.

So now, as Kevin is getting his first tooth and navigating the uncharted waters of solid foods, Holly and I e-mail each other several times a week. I love updating her on how he's doing and hearing about how her family is doing. I can't imagine that gut-wrenching moment when she said goodbye to us at the hospital having been our last moment together.

People raise their eyebrows and ask fearful questions when they learn we are in an open adoption situation. They've seen all the TV movies and talk shows. But what they haven't seen is how my son has his birth mom's dimples and her big, compassionate eyes. And they haven't seen how overwhelmed and grateful she looked to be holding him again. And they haven't seen the strength in her heart to make such a difficult decision - a strength that I hope so hard that we can teach our son to have, inspired by the woman who gave him life.

Open adoption can feel like a very intimidating prospect. And when combined with all the stress and excitement involved with planning to adopt, many couples can feel overwhelmed by the idea of letting a complete stranger into their lives and family. But Holly is not a stranger; she is family. And I encourage all prospective adoptive parents to keep their minds and hearts open to all possibilities for their own unique adoption stories. The family we have built through adoption would feel incomplete without Holly. And I find myself already looking forward to our next chance to see her and be even more amazed by the experience we've shared in building our family.

--Nora, Matt and Kevin Michael