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| babygirl08021977 | Posted: Aug 02, 2007 11:52:54 AM
Today is my Birthday. August 2, 1977. I truly hate this day every year. But for some reason, today is worse. I am Thirty years old today. Thirty years ago, someone left me behind. Who was she? Does she remember? What does she feel on this day? Does she feel grief and regret, or relief and liberation . Was I only a dark spot in her life that she doesn't wish to remember. I cannot help but feel as if I did something wrong or inadequate. My own intelligence tells me otherwise, but cannot shake this feeling on loneliness. The idea still remains a constant in the back of my mind and it effects my life still today. It is a reminder that I was abandoned, rejected, and left alone. It is a reminder that I do not know where I came from or who I was for the first 3 months of my life. I have so many unanswered questions. What hospital was I born in? How much did I weight? Who was my birth family? What medical conditions have I unknowingly passed on to my own precious children? Why?...Where?...Who?... Do I have any siblings? Does my appearance resemble them? Who's eyes are staring back at me? I avoid mirrors at all costs on this day. I cannot bare to see the emptiness staring back at me. You would think that after thirty years, I could move passed this whole adoption thing, but that is just not the case. There are too many roadblocks, secrets, lies, unknown facts that just will not allow people like me to move on. My only past is my present. My only memories are those that I can form from my present life. My existence prior to December 1977 (three months after my birth) is erased. I became someone else. Everything prior is just VOID. Void, now that's a word that I have come to know quite well. My life if void. I am missing a piece of my puzzle. There is an empty place that remains. I have to be able to move passed this. I am 30 years old for crying out loud. I have a right to know who I was and where I came from. I am a tax paying, law abiding, business owning, thirty year old, adult. Why do I not have the right to know my unanswered questions. People who have not been adopted under a closed secrecy, just do not and cannot understand the effect that this has on one's life. Every aspect. I had a wonderful childhood. I could not have asked for a better family to be raised in. But there is still something missing. I cannot put my finger on it, but I feel that if these questions that I have could be answered, then maybe...just maybe that missing feeling inside my soul would be filled. My mother is a kind, loving, respectable person. I know she loves me. I love her. But still, something's missing. She doesn't look like me. Her eyes are not mine. She doesn’t share my personality or my thoughts. I was blessed the best father I could have ever asked for. I lost him 1993. I grieve for him still today. He was and is everything to me and I would never wish to replace him or my childhood memories that he gave me. So why then do I have this loneliness? I have been blessed with three wonderful children of my own and a gentle kind man to share my life with. Today, my husband is off to work in our family business…My older sons are off on their first day back to school…My precious princess is off with her playmates, laughing and giggling, without a care in the world. But me, I am alone on my birthday. I cannot help but see the irony. Not much has changed in thirty years. I was alone then, too. Left to be forgotten by the only woman who holds the key to the mysteries that I have been left with.
Happy Thirtieth Birthday to ME!! Yadda..Yadda..Yadda…
A word of advice to anyone contemplating adoption for their unborn child or to anyone contemplating give that child a home…answer these questions for them. Do lock them out of their heritage or past. They will one day need these questions answered, just as I do. Love them…Honor them…Give them their existence. Everyone deserves that right.
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