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BOARD: Topics of Interest for Adoptive Families » Other Topics for Adoptive Parents
TOPIC: Wife wants to adopt, I'm not sure I do
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| Posted By | Message | ||
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| Jenn | Posted: May 31, 2005 09:54:41 AM My husband and I are mulling over adoption as well. I think it's a much tougher decision when it's not the only option. For us, we waited too long to decide to have children, then we had difficulty conceiving, then we had a miscarriage, and now I'm taking a medication that I do not want to get pregnant on. The doctor says I *may* be able to stop taking it in a year or so and try to get pregnant then, but it's not certain. I'm 34 and I really don't want to *maybe* be able to have our first child at 35 or 36. However, it's not impossible, so that means we have a choice to make. At first, my husband was completely against adoption. He has warmed up to the idea, but neither of us are 100% sure. We too wonder if we'll always have the feeling that it's "not our child." For others who have had that thought, how did you overcome it? If any of you have already adopted and also have a child of your own, can you honestly say you feel the same about both of them? I know everyone wants to give the "correct" answer of loving them the same, but please be honest. Is it possible to love someone else's child the same as if it were your own, knowing none of your genes are there? | ||
| Jordan | Posted: Jun 01, 2004 06:16:08 PM Thanks Marlene, I appreciate your feedback and advice. My wife and I definitely need to talk about this. This is exactly the kind of feedback I wanted to receive. Thanks and hopefully others will offer their opinions, thoughts and advice. Jordan | ||
| Marlene | Posted: May 29, 2004 08:31:40 PM Jordan, we were having the same discussions you & your wife are having but for us it was me who didn't want to adopt but wanted our own bio child. We have 2 bio boys but with me having Rh Disease & my body rejecting the baby DH got a vas. 5 months after our 2nd son was born knowing I wanted more children, especially a girl. My DH didn't want me or the baby to go thru what we did with our 2nd child. I had brought up using a sperm donor so the baby would have at least one of our genes but he was totally against that. He brought up adoption & with me wanting to be pregnant with our child I was against it. I have prayed & cried every night the past 8+ yrs for a miracle or a way for us to have her. The past months my eyes were finally opened that this is the only way for us. And I have been pursuing it full force. All I can say is pray about it & you will be led to what to do. And you will find peace with your decision. Your wife & you really need to sit down & talk about this because it does & will cause a strain in your marriage. This may not have helped you much or really answered any of your questions but I thought I would share our story as brief as I could, with you. Marlene | ||
| Jordan | Posted: May 28, 2004 09:29:21 AM My wife is and always has been passionate about adopting a child, but I have some heartfelt reservations. Our first child, a daughter (biological), will be one year old next month. My wife and I have talked about having 2-3 kids total and though we have always talked about adopting at least 1 child, I still have reservations about it. Please understand, I feel absolutely guilty and selfish about not being 100% gun-ho about giving an adopted child a happy healthy upbringing. But there is a feeling I get when I think about adoption. I feel like I'm bringing a child into our home who is taking the reserved seat of the child that my wife and I are supposed to produce biologically. Is that strange or what? I know that my wife only wants 3 kids max. She's very clear about this and when I politely and respectfully bring up the topic of discussing the number of kids we want, she just says "I'm not having this conversation with you". I don't know what that means. We have been together for 12 years, married for 6 and we communicate very well. But the topic of adoption is still un unsolved mystery in our home. Eventually we need to figure this out because what is a molehill now will surely become a mountain. So, in summary, here are my issues. 1. Why am I uncomfortable with adoption and look at it as 'having to raise someone else's child in place of my own? 2. Why do I only want to have children that my wife and I have created together? 3. Why won't my wife discuss her inner thoughts and fears about the children in our future? 4. Please understand I am a very loving person who WANTS to accept adoption as an option, it's just that my heart longs for producing our own biological children. I'm looking for anyone with any advice, stories, personal testimonials or the same thoughts or feelings who can help open my mind and heart to adoption. I feel bad that I feel like this but I figure maybe I can learn something from the kind people on this website. I just want my wife and I to be happy, that's all. Thanks for reading my post, JRL | ||
