For mothers who want a relationship with the adoptive family they choose for their child, the first meeting or conference call can be intimidating. Many feel the first meeting is similar to going on a first date.
It has the same uncomfortable feelings as both parties search for similar interests. After the first 10-15 minutes, things usually become much more relaxed and having an adoption counselor available on the first call or meeting always makes things much easier.
The questions that are frequently asked are:
How do you make things more comfortable?
What should I say?
What should I not say or do?
When I first meet them, do I hug them, shake hands, or just smile?
How do you make things more comfortable? What should I say?
Pick out an outfit that you feel comfortable in. Keep in mind you don’t need to dress up -- just be yourself.
Make a list of interesting things about yourself and bring the list with you.
Make a list of questions you might have for the family.
Engage in small talk about your/their drive or flight.
Ask them if they like their neighborhood, school system, etc?
Have them tell you how they initially met.
Have them share stories about family events, reunions, holidays.
Ask them to describe their childhood.
Ask them to describe their personalities to you, then tell them about yourself.
Ask them to share their hobbies with you.
Share with them why you selected them, this will usually open up the discussion.
Share with them why you feel adoption is the best choice for you and your baby.
What should I not say or do?
Don’t bring anyone who is not supportive of your adoption plan, this will only make you and everyone else feel more uncomfortable. Once you have met and feel comfortable with each other, you can introduce people who you think might be more accepting of adoption by meeting the adoptive family.
Don’t talk about all of your problems, when you first meet someone they want to know more about what makes you a good person. It is better to save your problems or challenges for your adoption counselor. The initial meeting is an opportunity for you to get to know each other.
In the beginning don’t ask too many detailed questions, while you might just be making idle conversation. It can come across like a firing squad and make the conversation flow very difficult. It is a good idea to start by telling a little about yourself.
In the first few meetings avoid talking about infertility issues the family has faced. This is a very sad topic for each adoptive family as many have spent years and sometimes decades trying everything they can to become a mom and dad. It is important for you to know they have been through a lot and that should tell you how much they want to be a mom and dad. The will be forever grateful for the gift of parenthood you are giving to them.
Don’t make promises or agree to anything that you have not had time to reflect on. You can tell them that you will definitely consider those ideas but you would like some time to think about them and to talk with your adoption counselor.
Don’t be worried about uncomfortable moments of silence. They will occur just as they do on first dates. It is all part of getting to know each other. You can make little jokes about it but try to resist filling the awkward silences with nervous unnecessary talking. It can only make things more uncomfortable for you and the family. The adoption counselor can help you through these awkward times and often interject during these moments.
Don’t plan a meeting when your day is busy and you aren’t able to block off extra time. If the meeting is going well, you may find the planned time is actually a lot longer than you anticipated.
Don’t tell the family you feel uncomfortable or don’t like certain things about the meeting, it is best to save those comments for your adoption counselor. If you aren’t connecting during the conference call or meeting make sure you inform your adoption counselor, so they can help you decide what to do. In some cases, it is not the right family for you and in other cases it is learning how to navigate through uncomfortable moments. Meeting a family is an important step and if it doesn’t feel like the right fit then it is best to let your counselor know immediately.
When I first meet them, how should I greet them?
If you are talking on the phone, it usually flows much easier than initially meeting in person. This is because an adoption counselor helps the meeting start out. The first few minutes will be filled with typical small talk about the weather, what you did that day, etc.
If you are meeting in person, you should determine what makes you feel more comfortable regarding shaking hands, hugging, etc.
Those who talk on the phone a lot often find meeting very comfortable and easy to do. Many describe it is like meeting an old friend.
Those who don’t talk on the phone a lot will discover the initial meetings are a little more uncomfortable although that usually dissipates rather quickly, as well.
