Telling Your Family About Adoption

Once you have decided on adoption, you must make the decision about when to tell some or all of your family members.

Some pregnant mothers decide to only inform family members who they believe will be supportive of their feelings. It's your decision to make, but we all know how opinionated family members can be with the choices we make.

Talk about how you feel about this with an adoption counselor. They can help you with ways to approach certain family members.

Here are a few suggestions ...

• It is sometimes easier to approach one family member at a time. In this way, you won’t feel judgment or emotional reactions from several members at the same time.
• It is usually better to approach the family member who you believe will be the most sensitive and supportive of your feelings.
• It is important to understand that your mother and father will typically respond negatively to the idea of pregnancy, adoption or parenting. It usually is because their initial reaction is one of shock, and they must go through the stages of acceptance, just as you will. When they first learn about your pregnancy, they typically aren’t in the frame of mind to think about what is best for you and your baby. It is more common for the initial reaction to be a mixture of disappointment, frustration, anger or denial.
• If you haven’t told them about your pregnancy, then it might be a good idea to share that idea with them first. It is a lot to take in at one time if you learn that your daughter is pregnant and she is also choosing adoption. These two ideas at one time overwhelm some parents. Most parents are most frustrated with the news of an unplanned pregnancy so it is best to share that news separately. It allows them to have a clearer head rather than respond with emotions. If they ask you what you are going to do about your pregnancy, you can tell them that you are currently exploring your options.
• If you allow them to first adjust to the idea of your unplanned pregnancy, then they usually won’t respond as negatively to the options you are considering. In the early stages, parents tend to respond negatively to every option mainly because they are feeling shock, anger, frustration, etc. Once they work through those feelings, they often won’t respond as negatively to the choices you are considering.
• Don’t make the mistake of thinking a specific family member will automatically support your adoption decision. Keep in mind, the unplanned pregnancy is a lot for many people to accept. It is also common for some people to react negatively to adoption mainly because few understand how adoption works. Most people fail to understand how wonderful of a life your child will have through adoption.
• Some family members believe parenting is the only option. Some believe parenting should be done in every circumstance. This usually is because they don’t understand adoption or they aren’t considering what is best for you and your baby. Ask your counselor for help if this is a problem in your family.
• Your family members have their own feelings and don’t expect them to give you good advice or support your decision right away. They need time to work through their feelings. Their initial reaction is often not what is best for you but they often are thinking about the situation that you have put them in. They often are thinking about how they messed up as parents. They will often initially focus on what they did wrong as parents.
• If you want them to understand adoption, share some adoption stories so they can see how positive adoption is for everyone.
• Invite them to talk with your adoption counselor so they can understand more about adoption.
• If your parents are not supportive of your feelings, you may want to remind them that adoption is your decision and that legally you do not need their approval. It is important however to tell them while you don’t need their approval that you would like their support. This helps set healthy boundaries so your parents and family members do not feel like they can control the decision you make for you and your baby. Be careful not to offend them in the beginning, allow them to process some of their emotions before you consider sharing this fact. It is only helpful if your parents aren’t respecting your thoughts and feelings.
• Ask your family to write their thoughts and feelings down on paper so that you can explore all of these feelings with your adoption counselor. Keep in mind, your parents are having to come to terms with their grandchild being placed for adoption. This can be hard on some grandparents. If they want to be emotionally healthy and truly supportive of your feelings, your parents will need time and support to work through their feelings. The question becomes what do you do if they don’t want to be emotionally healthy? An adoption counselor can help you through this difficult time.
• You might also suggest to your family to write a positive diary that they can give to your child as a gift for them to know more about your family.
• When your parents or family members are being supportive of you, thank them.
• Your parents and family members will say things to you that will hurt your feelings. This is unfortunately part of the journey for many pregnant women. The part you can control is how you respond to them. Tell them that what they said was hurtful and you don’t appreciate it, then tell them you need some time alone. This will give your family member some time to review what they said to you.
• If they can’t be supportive of you and your decision, then you may want to explore with your counselor what you should do. Non supportive family members can adversely affect your health during your pregnancy and you need to distance yourself from these interactions.