will my child hate me?

It is not uncommon for a woman considering adoption to wonder if her child will resent her for choosing adoption. While not uncommon, the thought of your child one day hating you for placing them for adoption is a terrifying one - leaving you to wonder if adoption really is your best option.

It's almost comical how, when faced with an unplanned pregnancy, everyone in your life suddenly becomes an expert, lecturing you about what you should do next. People unsupportive of adoption will tell you just that - that your child will hate you for "giving them up." Perpetrated by fear of the unknown and of a lack of understanding about the modern adoption process, people often believe that an adopted child grows up lost and lonely, wondering who their birth parents are, never finding a sense of "self." 

However, that image couldn't be more untrue.

Today's adopted children are not only given the opportunity to grow up with a loving adoptive family, but they can know as much or as little as each biological mother would like to share. These children don't grow up lost and lonely, rather they grow up secure in the knowledge that their birth mother loved them enough to choose adoption. To be fulflled in their life, adoptive children need only loving parents and anwers to very simple questions. 

Scott, who was adopted, wanted to know simple things like where did his brown hair and green eyes come from. Every child is curious about his heritage, health history, why their biological parent(s) choose adoption and where they obtained certain features. By finding out the answers to these questions, Scott, like many adoptive children, can feel happy and complete.

Adoption was once a secretive world where children grew up knowing nothing about their natural parents and adoptive families didn't talk about them. Some children grew up never knowing they had been adopted until they were adults. This secrecy naturally lead to feelings of shame, abandonment and resentment by adopted children. Furthermore, adopted children were often blocked by laws and courts when they did attempt to find who their natural parents were, leading to more hurt feelings and unanswered questions. 

However, today's world of adoption is a more open one.  Biological parents are encouraged to share health and social histories and explain why they felt adoption was the best choice.  Birth mothers can see their children grow up firsthand though pictures, letters and even phone calls or visits. They can send birthday presents and holiday wishes.

In todays world of adoption, adoptive children can find the answers to their questions and this information allows the child to grow up knowing about you and how much you love them as well. Instead of growing up wondering where they came from, they know - and they know the truth about why you chose adoption.

"I keep a journal for my son. I write letters to him that I will hopefully be able to share with him one day," said Michelle, a birth mother who stays in contact with her son through a semi-open adoption. "This not only helps me process my thoughts, but will explain to my son why I felt adoption was best for him."

Birth mothers who choose adoption do so out of love for their children. While this time of your life can be very emotional and confusing, you should instead picture your child laughing, smiling and living the childhood you dream for them - all the while knowing that not only do they have an adoptive family that cherishes them, but a natural mother who loved them so greatly she choose this wonderful life for them.

Adopted children may not share the same eyes or ears as their adoptive parents, but their adoptive parents will be able to fill their child's eyes, ears and hearts with the richness of love. By helping answer some questions for your adopted child, you will provide them with the freedom to enjoy a better life. They will love you for it. Fortunately for you and your child, we now live in a world where adoption has evolved into something truly wonderful for the children who are lucky enough to experience it.