No Courage to Tell?

Why first reactions shouldn't always make lasting impressions

It shouldn't matter what others think. It's your body and your life. So why is it that, when most women learn they are pregnant, one of the first of the many thoughts that begin racing through their minds is telling their parents and family?

26-year-old Sara remembers well the sense of anxiety she experienced about telling her father, Ted, she was pregnant:

"There I was staring at a positive pregnancy test, and of all things to think about, all I could feel was a sense of fear and dread about telling my dad!"

Unfortunately, many of us have good reason to experience anxiety - even dread - when faced with the prospect of telling family members: we've become conditioned to fear their reactions to our decisions or actions, because of past experience.

"My whole life, any time I have ever told my dad about something that isn't the way he thinks things should be done, his reaction isn't exactly nice … or calm," Sara says. "It can make being honest with him really hard at times."

Sara says it took her almost three months to gather the courage to confront her father with the news.

"Even then, it was only because it was getting pretty hard to hide my belly," she remembers with a smile.

Her smile was quickly replaced with tears when she found the strength to inform Ted about the life she and her boyfriend had created. His first reaction couldn't have been farther from joyous.

Instead, Sara's father responded irrationally, and with violence.

"Well, first he turned around, as though he was going to walk out of the room - that would have been better," Sara says. "Then I realized what he was really doing was looking for something to throw, but instead, he punched through the wall in my apartment - yeah … then, he left."

While it is never healthy to feel afraid of being honest with your parents or family, it's important to remember what lies beneath the surface of the reaction, that the way they appear to feel rarely matches the true nature of their emotion.

For a parent or family member, your pregnancy may symbolize many different stress factors simultaneously, such as loss and grief, among many others. Ted's reaction to Sara's news did not mean that the thought of a baby made him feel violent - it was merely his reaction to the stress of the news.

Everyone handles stress and anxiety differently, but the following are some categories psychologists and counselors have noted as patterns in human response to stress and anxiety. Below each reaction are some ways these responses may be expressed on the surface.

Denial or Numbness: Self-preservation, protection, emotionally distancing to lessen pain.

• Upon telling your grandma the news, she pretends she didn't hear you or that she hasn't in any way been affected.
• Your boyfriend doesn't believe that you are pregnant, even when you show him the home pregnancy test results.

Emotional Releases: Tears, even laughter are ways for the body to physically release stress

• When you confide in your mom about being pregnant, she bursts into hysterical tears as though she has just received news of loved one's death, instead of learning that a new life has been created.
• Your step-dad starts laughing!

Reactive Depression: As the reality of the situation is processed, an overwhelming sadness may take over, which is actually a normal, healthy sign.

• Your husband becomes lethargic, sleeps much more than normal or eats all the time.
• Instead of playing with her friends or talking on the phone, you notice your daughter is spending most of her time in her room, in bed.

Panic: A reaction to loss of control, which can be very humbling.

• While at the doctor's office to confirm the pregnancy, your boyfriend begins to sweat, tremble and even hyperventilates.

Remorse: Rather than confronting the issue at hand, a preoccupation with what could or should have been instead to change the outcome of the situation.

• As soon as you tell your parents the news, your mom and dad begin to list ways they could have raised you differently: "We shouldn't have let you start dating when you were 16," or, "if we would have bought condoms for you when you asked instead of getting angry," are some of the remorseful responses we've heard.
• Your boyfriend begins beating himself up over "not pulling out in time."

Anger: Threats to a person's basic beliefs or understanding of life in general can manifest as anger or even violence projected towards the person perceived as responsible for the injustice.

• The father of the baby leaves your apartment, and you can hear him yelling vulgarities at God about being punished, and the unfairness of it all.
• Your grandfather vows to find your boyfriend and harm him for "what he did to you."

Need to talk: Verbalizing the situation, or repeating stories or memories is another coping mechanism people use when dealing with emotions of grief or loss.

• Despite having confided in your older sister about being pregnant before telling anyone else, you quickly learn she didn't keep the news to herself when your mother calls and says she knows.
• At the grocery store, you run into your aunt standing around a group of people, all talking about you and your pregnancy.

Physical Ailments: People may experience real physical symptoms in response to grief, stress or anxiety.

• Even weeks after you tell your brother, every time you see or speak with him, it seems he has a different physical complaint, though you've always known him to be the healthy one. One day, his stomach hurts, next time it's a headache, or he says his hands feel numb.
• Your husband vomits when you tell him the news.

Not only will knowing the real reason behind your loved ones reactions help you feel empowered and more able to face the reality of your situation with strength and rationale, it can help you help your loved ones process their emotions in a healthy way. While it may not be the best thing to tell your mom, who is in tears, that the real reason she is crying is because her body is in need of a physical release, knowing this can help you find ways to handle your pregnancy in a healthy way.