What About my Responsibilities as the Father?
“This was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.”
Shawn, Birth Father
When it comes to dealing with an unexpected pregnancy, much of the compassion, sympathy and focus is placed on the woman. But what about the father?
As the father of the baby, you too are more than likely dealing with a rollercoaster of emotions. Much like the emotions being experienced by the mother, you are also likely to experience shock, denial, anger, sadness and other feelings. Many fathers express there is often a state of confusion on how to put into words what they are truly feeling. Much of the time feelings of embarrassment and a loss of control are expressed by the birth father.
However, many men also feel that by agreeing to place the baby for adoption that they are somehow not living up to their responsibilities, or are not being “man enough.” Many men also have a strong sense of pride and struggle accepting the fact that they cannot give their baby the life that an adoptive family can. Many find it difficult to understand the reasons the birth mother is choosing an adoption plan. Others incorrectly believe the birth mother is choosing adoption to get back at them if the relationship is not a friendly one. Many fear others are looking at them as somehow failing their child, family and friends, or that they are taking the “easy way out.”
No matter what your reasons are for struggling with an adoption decision for your child, the truth is that adoption is anything but the “easy way out,” nor is it a choice made by a man who is not living up to his responsibilities. Rather, it is very much the opposite. Supporting the adoption of your child is one of the most responsible, unselfish things a father can do. It is a choice that means you care so much for your child that you are willing to give them a better life than you and the birth mother can give them right now. It is a chance to give your child a two parent family who love not only the child, but one another. Your child will also grow up knowing they have a birth mother and father who love them so much that they chose for them to have a better life through adoption. It is a choice you should be proud of. It is the mature choice of a responsible father, not a failure or a coward.
As the father, you also are encouraged to be a part of the adoption plan. Even if you and the birth mother are no longer together, you may still be a part of the adoption. Share your desire to be a part of the adoption plan with the Birth Parent Specialist. If you also want to receive pictures and letters from the adoptive family after the adoptive placement, that can also be arranged. It can also be arranged for you to talk to or even meet the adoptive family, if that is of interest to you. In addition, the agency can offer counseling services for you before and/or after the baby is born to help you cope with the emotions that are often hard to put into words for many birth fathers. Simply share your wishes with the Birth Parent Specialist so she can work with you, the birth mother and the adoptive family to develop an adoption plan that meets everyone’s wishes. Just because you aren’t physically carrying this child, doesn’t mean that this choice also isn’t just as difficult for you as it is for the birth mother. If you would like to speak to a Birth Parent Specialist about your emotions, or your wish to be involved in the adoption plan for your child, we are here for you at 1-800-ADOPTION.
