The choice to pursue adoption can often be especially difficult for women who already have children at home. Not only do you know what it’s like to hear that tiny voice say “mommy,” but you know first hand all of the ups and downs involved in being a parent.

 

The parent part of you is also probably worried about how your adoption plan will affect your other children. Will they understand? Will they be angry? How do you explain to them that you are placing their sibling for adoption?

 

Just as in every other aspect of your adoption plan, there is no easy answer. Just as you will most likely experience a sense of loss and grief, so will your children.

 

If possible, begin to explain adoption to your child while you are still pregnant. Remember to use age-appropriate language so that your child will understand. Also do not tell them more than they need to know – too much information may confuse or overwhelm them.

 

If you are having difficulty finding a way to begin the conversation about adoption, try finding a way to introduce the subject by watching a movie dealing with the topic of adoption, such as Elf or Snow Dogs. After the movie, talk about how adoption was focused on in the movie and use that as a bridge into talking about your own adoption plan. If your child has a friend or relative that was adopted you can also bring the subject up by talking about that person and how they were adopted, then lead into a conversation about your adoption plan.

 

Depending on the age of your child, you may also choose to show them the profile of the family you have chosen for your baby. This will help them visualize where their little brother or sister will be, and may also put to rest any fears they may have about the family.

 

Your child may also have a fear that they, too, will be placed for adoption. Reassure your child that this is not the case and remind them of this throughout the process – even though they may not bring it up with you, the thought could still be lingering in their minds.

 

Once you have explained your adoption plan to your child, it is important to take a few minutes of your day for some special “mommy” time. Although you may feel physically or emotionally exhausted, it is important to spend some one-on-one time with your child during this time. Take time to watch a movie, read a book, take a walk or play a board game with your child. Also don’t forget to share hugs and kisses with them each day.

 

If you have a younger child, there are also adoption-themed children’s books that may help prepare your child for the adoption. One such book is Sam’s Sister, by Juliet Bond. This book explains adoption from the perspective of a young girl whose mother places her younger brother for adoption. Not only does it explain adoption, but also explains it in a positive, reassuring manner for young children to understand.

 

Maintaining a normal routine is also key during this time. Routine gives children a sense of security. Try to keep your daily rituals the same during this time – this predictability will help your children feel more at ease and secure.

 

Your child may also ask you to keep the baby. This often puts mothers in an emotionally difficult place, as they often are at a loss of words and do not know what to tell their child. Take this moment to remind yourself of the reasons why you chose adoption. Then, explain to your child as simply as possible that you have chosen to place the baby for adoption and that is your plan. Assure them that you know that they feel sad and that it is OK to feel that way. Remind them that they will always be a big brother or big sister to the new baby, even though the new baby will be living with a different family. Remember to use age-appropriate language so that they understand what you are telling them. Also take a moment to hug or comfort them to further reassure them that you are there for them.

 

While this is an emotional time for you, also remember that your children are also most likely experiencing a range of emotions. Not only is it important for you to process all of the emotions you are experiencing, it is also important to ensure that your children are also processing all of their emotions. Before the birth, you may wish to do a craft with your child to make something for the new baby and their family. Not only will this give you quality one-on-one time with your child, but it will also give you the opportunity to talk about the adoption plan and how your child may be feeling. It may also help comfort your child for them to know that this special craft will go with their little brother or sister. You may also take your child shopping and let them choose something special to give to the new baby and their family, such as a soft blanket or a stuffed animal. If your child is older, let them write a letter to the baby, or write a letter together for the baby. Not only will this be a special keepsake for your baby, but it will also allow your child to express their feelings and emotions.

 

Most importantly, let your child know that it is OK to be upset or sad. When speaking with your child about their grief, try to focus on their emotions rather than yours. Make sure they know that you are there for them and that it is OK to talk about it. After the placement, let your children know that even though the adoption has taken place, that it is still OK to bring the up the subject and talk about the baby and adoption. Just as certain life events, such as holidays or birthdays, may be emotional triggers for you after the adoption, your child may also experience these emotional triggers. Make sure they know that as they grow it is OK to ask questions of come to you if they are feeling sad.

 

American Adoptions believes in the power of being well-educated about every facet of the adoption process, both before the adoption and after. Our counselors are available to you 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If you would like more advice or information about explaining adoption to your children, or your child’s grief reaction, please do not hesitate to contact us!