I leaned over my son's crib and admired my sleeping angel. His chubby little hands curled up into tight fists and his long eyelashes fluttered at my movements over him. I touched his cheek gently and felt tears running down my own. Just over a week ago we were happily celebrating his first birthday. I had no idea that I was already pregnant again, and now that I knew, my fears seemed to consume my entire body, invading my every thought and affecting my every action. What had I gotten myself into? I knew better! I was so angry, and I desperately searched for someone to blame, but I knew deep in my heart the only person I could pin this one on was myself, and well, okay, maybe David, the birth father deserved a little credit also. I had 2 options. I'd either keep this child and be the best mother I could be to him, or I would adopt him out to a family who could offer him everything I knew I would not be able to. Abortion was not an option.
I continued to wait tables throughout my pregnancy, and I continued to barely get by. The bills kept adding up and the mere thought of taking on a another child was so daunting and overwhelming that it kept me awake and pacing the floors on a nightly basis. One evening, after Nicolas was sleeping soundly, I opened the yellow pages to "adoption" and I saw American Adoptions ad. I got in touch with them and I was mailed information about the agency, prospective adoptive families and questionnaires for me to fill out if I choose to. Soon thereafter, Laurie got in touch with me. I was very excited to inform her that I already had a family picked out and I wanted her to contact them as soon as possible. I really wanted time to get to know the family and I was close to being 6 months along.
Jeff and Laura were so excited! I was anxious to talk to them, but I was nervous, too. Our first conference call was arranged and we spoke for nearly 2 hours. They were so open, and kind, and from the first exchanges we had, I knew that I picked out a wonderful family. They invited my son and me out to visit them and we spent a full weekend getting to know each other. I grew to love Jeff and Laura. I loved them for their good hearts, their security, their excitement, but I love them the most for the fact that I knew how much they were going to love their new child. The day finally arrived, Marc Andrew was born July 18, 2004 at 11:36am. He was beautiful. Perfect. A full head of dark hair, pudgy cheeks and these long, thin feet and toes. I held him and kissed him and I cried over him. The hardest part I continue to deal with is knowing that he will never remember me. Our brief time in the hospital is my only memories of him and he will never know, and yet I will hold those sacred memories deep and close forever.
Jeff and Laura held their son with such admiration and their eyes were so full of love. I walked away with a peaceful confirmation of my decision. My heart aches. So deeply, sometimes I feel unbearably overwhelmed. I miss him, but I know how wonderful his life is and will be. He will have a loving, secure home to rest his head in for the rest of his life. I often wonder about his personality and the person he will grow to be, but mostly, I wish for his happiness. It has been hard, it will continue to be hard, but every day, when I wake up, I know that he will be okay and he will spend his day in the arms of his loving parents. I still wait tables, however, I was awarded a scholarship from American Adoptions and I'm currently taking courses from home. I hope to someday run a business from home as a wedding consultant and event planner. And, every day, I hold my son Nicolas just a little bit tighter and appreciate what he unknowingly has to offer.
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