This blog was written by Allison Olson. Being both an adoptee and an adoptive parent, Allison Olson has a unique perspective on the topic of adoption. She is an award-winning children’s adoption book author and her goal is to change the adoption narrative from the “lucky” child to the “loved” child. Allison lives in Oregon with her husband, two daughters, and their kitties named Bo and Aero.

Whether you are early on your adoption journey or already have your family through adoption, it’s always a good idea to listen to adoptee voices.

Adoption is a complex and sensitive topic with lots of varied experiences. In this case, I am just one adult adoptee with only one lived experience, but here is my advice for anyone thinking about adopting a child.

Five Pieces of Advice from an Adoptee

1. Openness and Keeping Relationships is Important

Today the vast majority of adoptions are open, which means getting first and last names of birth mother and potentially birth father. This information is very important to an adoptee, but building and supporting a relationship with your child’s birth family is even more important.

For people outside of (or not yet in) the adoption community, it’s a new concept to think about having a relationship with your child’s birth family. This relationship is critical for the adoptee and all involved. I always say “more love brings more love” when discussing the relationship with your child’s birth family.

2. Honesty is Key

One of the biggest determinants of a child growing up to become a content adult adoptee is honesty and truth around their story without keeping any secrets. So, make sure to fully share the adoptee’s story with them.

Do not withhold information or change parts of the story to soften things for them. The truth will always come out and it is better if they hear it from their loving parents than to find out from the internet, strangers, or extended family.

Some topics may seem tough to bring up, but if you normalize them as a true part of their story then they will feel more comfortable in knowing their story.

3. Put Your Child’s Needs Above Your Own

One of the greatest responsibilities of being a parent is to put your child’s needs first. Sometimes this means having tough conversations with family, friends, and strangers about like things:

  • Appropriate adoption language
  • Racial discussions
  • Not sharing your child’s adoption story
  • Only speaking positively about your child’s birth family
  • And more

These things might seem tough in the moment but are very important to adoptees. They need to know that they always have a support system within their parents, a safe place where they can be their true self and feel protected. That includes making sure that family members know how to speak about adoption through current positive adoption language, that they understand how important your child’s birth family is to your family,

4. Continuously Learn

Being a parent is a lifelong journey of learning and that goes even further when parenting through adoption. The adoption community is always growing and evolving.

This means that current positive adoption language is always changing, as well as laws and regulations. More and more adoptees and birth parents are writing books from their lived experiences that help to educate all of us on different aspects and perspectives on adoption. As well as psychologists spending years studying adopted families to continue to improve lives of adoptees.

So as adoptive parents, it’s key to have a continuous learning mindset to grow and change as the years progress.

5. Have Confidence

One of the most common questions I get asked is how I feel about our daughter having two moms (adoptive mom and birth mom). I typically answer that I am very proud that she has two families and that both families love her very much.

Usually, the question is followed up by asking if I feel jealous or worry about her birth family spending time with her. I make it clear that I do not. Her birth family is very important to our family. She will grow up having a special relationship with each and every one of us. I am not worried, instead I want to help foster her having a close relationship with her birth mom.

I have enough confidence in our relationship that I know that her relationship with her birth family will in no way change our relationship with each other…other than to strengthen it.

Learn more about the author:

Website: www.ouradoptionbooks.com

Social Media: @kidsbooksbyallisonolson (Facebook, Instagram, TikTok)