Long story short, I was a mother for six months. I was excellent at it. I breastfed, paid attention to his vaccination schedule, and practiced attachment parenting. I also worked full-time one hour away, had almost no money left after paying an amazing nanny, and did not get more than four hours of sleep per night.
Overjoyed, Yet All Alone
I will never forget waddling into one of my last courses as undergraduate seven months pregnant. I had to bring a pillow with me to sit on because the chairs were so uncomfortable at that stage in my pregnancy. I can’t believe I aced my coursework. School was my life, and I have always excelled at it.
I was so in love with my son’s biological father. He had deep brown eyes, a smile that would make you melt, he was tall and he was 10 years older than me. I also remember paying for all of my own medical bills, fighting with him all the time, and him using drugs. I will never forget the text messages he used to send me after I stopped seeing him. And how excited he was to have another son, then how badly he left me alone while we were talking.
My pregnancy was so difficult and I could barely make it into work every day. I was on government assistance and could barely afford to pay the medical bills. But I was going to graduate college with a Bachelor’s of Science in Business Administration. I was going to be a mother. I had friends and family gathered around me. Everything was going to be okay.
Labor was amazing. I labored alone for hours, and had my son 20 minutes after arriving at the nearest hospital. My son latched onto my breast within 30 minutes of being born and slept with me in our hospital bed. Two people came to visit us. He barely slept. I barely slept. There was so much crying from both of us. I was all alone.
A Devine Miracle
You see, with the good comes the bad. Unfortunately in my situation, the hard times were just too hard. I had been made promises of support that went unfulfilled upon the time of collection. I couldn’t survive financially even though I was working full-time. I realize now that my son must have had some allergies or colic, because he cried so often at night and we barely slept. I was beyond exhausted, and all alone.
I decided to put my son up for adoption when I was pregnant; I just didn’t realize it until he was six months old and I consciously made the choice to follow through with the plan. My family was beside themselves. My friends didn’t know what to say to me. Yet, no one would listen to me when I told them how much I was struggling. They would just shrug it off, or not respond.
I was 22 years old when I put my son up for adoption. I had a Bachelor’s degree. I was am amazing mother.
My son’s parents weren’t actually registered and accepted into my adoption agency until my son was two months old. If I had made the decision when I was pregnant and put him up at birth, he would have never found his way home. Everything happens with purpose, and God works out for the good all things for those who love Him. I was so angry for so long, yet a divine miracle took place regardless.
Meant to Be
I am now 29 years old. I have a Master of Art’s in Organizational Management. I’m working on publishing my first book titled, “How a Birth Mom Healed.” I got married two years ago. I see my son and speak to him as I am involved in an open adoption. I have the opportunity to help other birth mothers and birth parents heal through my writing. I have recovered from severe bouts of depression and hopelessness. I have sought counseling, stress relieving tools, coping skills, and various other methods of healing which I still use to this day and share with others. I have an incredible life. My son is healthy, happy, and loved. He is home with his parents where he belongs. I believe they were always meant to be his parents, and I was the vessel God used to get him there. I’m always here for my son and I always will be. He has an incredible life.
Adoption is beautiful no matter what circumstances you come from or how amazing your life may seem. To all adoptive parents out there: don’t give up. There is a birth mother out there for you. I’m so grateful that my son’s parents never gave up, or he and I would have never found the amazing lives that we have now. Thank you to my son’s parents for making our lives what they were always meant to be.
– Lindsay Arielle
Lindsay is a guest blogger for American Adoptions. She placed her son for adoption 7 years ago and hopes to use her experience to support and educate other expectant mothers considering adoption, as well as adoptive families.