What Is An Adoption Reunion?
An adoption reunion takes place between members of an adoption, typically done by people involved in a closed adoption situation. The reunion is usually the first time these biological family members will have met or talked since the adoption.
Who Reunites After Adoption?
- Adult adoptees
- Birth parents
- Birth siblings
- Occasionally, other members of the birth or adoptive families
Sometimes, if birth parents are no longer living, adoptees may reunite with birth siblings or other biological relatives. Adoptive parents and birth parents may be excited to meet each other, too. Spouses, children, or even grandchildren may meet biological family members after an adoption, but only after the initial reunion occurs and both parties are comfortable with introducing their families to one another.
The first adoption reunion should be private and taken slowly. But many adoptees have adoption reunion stories that ultimately include their entire family; both birth and adoptive!
Why Would You Want an Adoption Reunion?
Adoption is a wonderful way to create a family, but there is always pain and loss involved, as well. Reuniting an adult adoptee with their birth family can be a healing experience for everyone involved in the adoption.
For birth parents and birth siblings, it can be reassuring to know that the child placed for adoption grew up loved and happy, and that they don’t hold a grudge against their birth family for the choice they made. For adoptees, it can fill the void left in their personal histories by the biological family they never knew.
Adoption reunions are a way to reconnect, talk about the adoption many years removed from the early, sometimes painful emotions, and learn more about each other as individuals.
Should You Reunite with Your Birth Mother or an Adult Adopted Child?
Not everyone wants an adoption reunion.
Sometimes birth parents or adult adoptees simply have no strong desire to reconnect after the adoption. Other times, they don’t feel emotionally ready for such a step. Some people harbor negative feelings about the closed adoption and haven’t been able to resolve those feelings.
An adoption reunion may not be the best choice for yourself or for the person you’re trying to reconnect with.
Adoption reunions can bring complicated, long-buried emotions back to the surface. Not everyone is willing to, ready to, or able to process these feelings. So an adoption reunion should be very carefully considered before you take any action to reunite.
How to Approach an Adoption Reunion with Biological Family Members
This is where things can get even trickier.
If you’ve successful managed to find your birth mother or an adult adoptee through your adoption search (which can sometimes be difficult, depending on how much information you start with), initiating contact with them might be even more difficult.
It’s scary to contact someone who you’re biologically related to, but who is essentially a stranger to you. Several things can happen, including scenarios like these:
- You may find that this is the wrong person (often with the same name)
- They may not respond to your message, either by choice or because they didn’t receive it
- They may be uninterested in an adoption reunion
- They may initially express interest in reuniting, but later back out after their emotions and fears become too much for them
- They may have been searching for you, too and they may be equally excited about reuniting
- They may have been waiting to see if you were interested in finding them and requesting contact, but are happy that you’re willing to reconnect
You’ll need to be prepared for any of these possibilities before you decide whether or not to request a reunion after adoption.
Consider how you plan on introducing yourself via confidential phone/letter/online message and how to bring up the possibility of an adoption reunion with your birth parents or adopted child. Read the message to the closest member of your personal support group before sending it.
Approaching the subject of an adoption reunion is a delicate matter that can be an emotionally-complex step for you.
Have someone you trust to support you! Talk to other adoptees or birth family members who’ve reunited after adoption to hear their adoption reunion stories.
Some Final Advice about Adoption Reunions
A few things to consider:
Some Do’s and Don’ts for Reaching Out
When initiating contact with your birth parents or adopted child, keep it private and simple.
Do:
- introduce yourself
- state your intentions in reaching out to them and what you hope will come of it
- describe your emotional state
- let them know that you’ll understand if they aren’t ready to take this step with you
Don’t:
- fire off lots of questions
- make accusations
- pressure them into a reunion too quickly
- assume that they’ll feel the same way about the adoption as you do
- involve other family members until/unless you both feel ready to do so
- make your introduction public
Keep your message for them brief and to the point. Empathize and respect their right to their feelings, even if it hurts yours. Put yourself in their shoes! Sometimes the way we feel isn’t always rational or fair, so it’s important to take time to sort out those thoughts.
Children and Adoption Reunions
As a general rule, children of closed adoptions should wait until they’re adults before initiating an adoption reunion. Unless the child already has some kind of relationship with their birth family through an open adoption, suddenly introducing a birth parent may be too overwhelming. It’s also too important of a decision to make on behalf of a child, or to ask a child to make before they’re old enough to fully understand their own adoption experience. An adoption reunion is usually a decision best left for an adult to make for themselves.
Eliminating the Need for Adoption Reunions
If you’re considering adoption, an open adoption is always recommended whenever possible. This will remove the need for an adoption search and reunion later in life because the birth and adoptive families can maintain contact throughout the child’s life.Open adoptions allow for better communication and relationships between adoptive and birth families as well as making for happier adoptees and birth mothers who are satisfied with the amount of contact they have post-adoption.
How to Begin Your Search if You’re Interested in an Adoption Reunion
If you feel that you may be ready to pursue an adoption reunion but haven’t located your birth parents or adopted child yet, here’s what you’ll need to know to begin your adoption search.
Would like to find my son that was lut up for adoptin at birth his name was monieco joseph meraco conley when he was born and his birthday was january 20 2000 born in waterville maine at thayer hospital im laura susanne conley and im his birth mother if he would like to reunite i would love to see and get to kbow him i love and miss him dearly since he has been gone i never stopped trying to hope that some day we will meet and im hoping to reach out to him thanks
Would like to find my son that was lut up for adoptin at birth his name was monieco joseph meraco conley when he was born and his birthday was january 20 2000 born in waterville maine at thayer hospital im laura susanne conley and im his birth mother if he would like to reunite i would love to see and get to kbow him i love and miss him dearly since he has been gone i never stopped trying to hope that some day we will meet and im hoping to reach out to him thanks
I’m looking for my sister I was born in 1950 or 51 at Mather field Air Force Base where my mother went into the hospital under the adoptees mother’s name last name of tenant I believe and had my sister. She was born to an Air Force Colonel and his wife. My sister’s name was Toni. Short for another name. The last I knew she was living in Texas but I don’t know what her name was there. I have no other information about her because I have no other relatives living to tell me anything more about her.
Hi, Ronnie — You may want to start by contacting the Air Force base where your sister was born. They may have records regarding her birth and adoption that can help you locate her. Here is some information that may help in your search: https://consideringadoption.com/adopted/search-and-reunion/the-5-steps-of-how-to-find-an-adopted-child
I was born in Spartanburg s.c. general hospital jan 19, 1957. I was taken to calif at 9 mths old to live. I was told by the couple they think my mothers name was Lillian carroll, she lived with a couple named goforth. I am told the sealed adoptions are in a vault in Columbia, s.c. and you have to get a attorney to see if there is even anything there at all. I just want to know one real bio person from my family. I am 61 yrs old, parents are probably deceased but I did have brothers and sisters I would like to meet.
I have been searching on and off since I was 18 and have gotten no where.I was also told back in the day you could just give a baby away with no problems.
told that good records were not really kept til the 70,s. I would like to have a history to leave to my 3 sons. I just want some closure to my life.
Hi, Janie — If you haven’t already, try the options presented in this article: https://consideringadoption.com/adopted/search-and-reunion/how-to-find-your-birth-parents-5-steps-you-can-take If your adoption records are sealed, you may need to work with a local attorney to open your adoption records. Good luck!
I have been trying to find my daughter off and on ever since I put her up for adoption at the Edna Gladney Home – Fort Worth, Texas – in in 1982. I was 18 and was told not to come home unless I came home alone. I had no job, had not started college, birthfather denied being father and no support at home. I should have stayed away. I just started my search again and am not finding any of the adoption registries I remember. Visited the Gladney website and signed up for updates which is new. I have been thinking about her a lot again lately. I only held her in my arms for a short while, but I feel like a piece of me was torn out. I have other children, but nothing fills up the hollow space in my heart. Any ideas on where to turn?
Hi, Pam — Have you reached out to the county clerk where you placed your child for adoption? Her adoption may have been finalized there, so you may be able to access your adoption records that way. Here’s are some tips that may assist you in your search: https://consideringadoption.com/adopted/search-and-reunion/the-5-steps-of-how-to-find-an-adopted-child We wish you the best of luck in your search!
Hi Pam,
One suggestion would be to submit your DNA sample through Ancestry and also through My23andme. It’s a possibility that your daughter and/or her children have also submitted their DNA this way, and in that case, finding her might actually be fairly simple. This is how I recently found my birth father — along with 6 siblings. I hope you find her! She’s probably looking for you, too.
Kathleen
I am looking for my son I gave him up at birth his name is Patrick micheal Hollman I did miss spell his middle name he was born. On. March 17 1985 in haver ford pa I do not remember the name of the hospital can any one please help me his sister and brother and I would love to get to know him thank you for your help
Hi, Tammy — You may try contacting the adoption agency or attorney who you worked with on your adoption. The information in this article may help, too: https://consideringadoption.com/adopted/search-and-reunion/the-5-steps-of-how-to-find-an-adopted-child Good luck!
How best do we tell our sister her adult son has made contact with us through 23 and Me?
Hi, Patrick — There is no single “best way” to share this information. Honesty will likely be your best bet. You can always reach out to a local adoption counselor (https://consideringadoption.com/adopted/adoptee-support/counseling-for-adoptees) or family counselor for help as an intermediary in this conversation. Good luck!
Hello, I am 32 visiting one or more birth parents after I was born in 1986 and had a closed adoption. I want them to know that I accept them. I also want to show them pictures and leave them with a decorated photo frame with a current picture
Do you have any suggestions for my first visit with them? Thanks!
Hi, Kayla — Your gift idea sounds wonderful! This article might help you prepare a bit for your upcoming visit: https://consideringadoption.com/adopted/adoptee-relationships/birth-family-visits Good luck!
I’m a Birth Mother of an adult Son in his 30s.
My 2 Sisters “found” him on 23&Me. I can’t be certain that he knows he was adopted. The next time he opens his DNA account, he’ll find an Aunt.
Question: Should I Reach Out to Him now/soon?
-OR- Should I wait? PLZ Advise. THX.
Hi, Shirley — Unfortunately, this is not a question we can answer for you. This is a highly personal situation, and what you do depends on what you are most comfortable with. This article may help you think through some of your emotions at this time: https://consideringadoption.com/adopted/search-and-reunion/preparing-for-an-adoption-search-and-reunion
Gave daughter up for adoption 1981. She will be 38 this November. Closed adoption. In March I contacted the adoption agency which now has post adoptive services. I paid my fee in full and filled out family history and wrote her a letter. Last week I get a call from the adoption agency that they found her. She answered the phone on the first contact attempt. She said she is very happy. She knows she was adopted. She tried to find me when she was in college. She said this was perfect timing and very happy. Adoption agency telling both of us to take it slow. Start off by writing to each other then meet. I am feeling very blessed and excited. But I am very anxious and nervous. I know this has to be done slowly but I am going crazy waiting. It has only been a week. She has to fill out her post adoptive papers. Meet with the agency and get my letter. How can I handle all these emotion better and be more patient. This wait feels worse than the wait to reach out to her. I feel I did the right thing waiting until she was older. Am I doing Ok!!!!
Congratulations on your reunion! It’s perfectly normal to feel a mix of nerves, excitement and impatience during this process. Have you discussed these feelings with the adoption agency? They may be able to provide the post-adoption support you need or refer you to a counselor with expertise in adoption reunions. You might also find some more helpful information and suggestions for building a relationship with your daughter (and navigating the feelings that come with that) here: https://consideringadoption.com/adopted/search-and-reunion. Good luck!
How would one begin searching for biological family if you dont have names or anything?
Hi there – Depending on the information you do have, you may be able to contact the agency that arranged the adoption or the clerk in the county where the adoption took place. This article offers some helpful suggestions: https://consideringadoption.com/adopted/search-and-reunion/the-5-steps-of-how-to-find-an-adopted-child. Some have also had success finding biological relatives through DNA testing sites. You can learn more about that here: https://consideringadoption.com/adopted/search-and-reunion/the-best-dna-testing-services-for-adoptees. Good luck in your search!
I don’t know if this is the place that I need to be but I’m looking for some kind of support group. I am a birth parent found by my adult girls that were put up for adoption when they were children. They want a relationship with me and I really would like that but I am having a few issues and I need to be able to talk to someone about what is going on. If this is the place and you can help me please contact me if it isn’t the place but you know where I should be focusing please let me know.
Hi, Katie — Have you reached out to the adoption agency through which you placed your children? Your adoption specialist might be able to provide some support. You might also consider talking to a therapist who specializes in adoption issues: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/adoption There are also some birth mother support groups that may help: https://www.americanadoptions.com/blog/where-to-find-adoption-support-groups/ Best of luck during this difficult time!
At first the adopted family sent me pictures and such but on one of his birthdays they thought in was being annoying for asking for a photo, after a few days I received a text message telling me not to contact them, and I began calling non stop and messaging too. Most out of hurt because I just wanted to keep in contact with my son. They later charged me with harassment and to be honest I’m hurt. Last time I saw my son was on a birthday celebration where I promised him a book I still have. I’m not sure what’s being told to him but I wouldn’t want him to live life thinking I abandoned him. I love him but the system has taken my son from me even when I followed the rules and did everything that was asked of me. He be 13 in April and even if I have to wait until he is 18 I will wait just to let him know the truth of it all. I just hate that he is living in this whole in his heart , missing knowledge of his birth mother.
Hi, Julia — We are so sorry for the pain you are going through. While we only complete private infant adoptions and not foster care adoptions, we do have a birth mother on staff who understands what you’re feeling. You are welcome to give us a call at 1-800-ADOPTION and ask for Michelle to talk with her. Have you connected to any other birth parents through support groups? Or have you spoken with your caseworker or a therapist about this situation? That might be a good idea. You can look for an adoption-experienced therapist here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/adoption We wish you the best of luck moving forward.
I was adopted into a loving family shortly after birth in 1977. My adoptive mother passed away several years ago and I have been wishing for more information regarding my birth mother recently. I was made aware, at a very young age, that I was adopted. Also, that my birth mother was young and she wanted me to have a life she couldn’t provide at the time. I am so grateful to God that she loved me enough to give me that chance and would love an opportunity to thank her. It was a closed adoption and, until last week I had no information except the city in which I was born. Last week, I received a copy of my original birth certificate and, though I expected much of it to be redacted, it was all there! I now have the name of my birth mother and have no idea where to go from here…I already have a DNA site membership but she is not registered there. Any suggestions?
Thanks!
Hi, Melissa — You might consider hiring a private investigator or work with an organization like Search Angels. You can also find a few tips for birth family searches here: https://consideringadoption.com/adopted/search-and-reunion/how-to-find-your-birth-parents-5-steps-you-can-take Good luck!
Hi my name is Keith Naquan Bynum when I was maybe 16 years old I got a older female pregnant how was on drugs at the time she gave birth in December 1985. 3 the child’s name was Naquan Emery she took him too a place called sheltering arms for children i did not sign any paper work nor was my name on his birth certificate I’m writing to obtain what ever assistances you can offer in dealing with my current situation please help me find my son my number is +17576171020 I live in Virginia Beach va
Hi, Keith — We are not legal professionals and cannot offer legal advice for your situation. Please reach out to a local adoption attorney for advice regarding your case: https://adoptionart.org/find-an-attorney/attorney-directory/#!directory/map/ord=lnm
When adoption records became open in Illinois, I found my biological mother. In doing so, I found out that I have a younger brother and sister. My conundrum is that I want to reach out to them and don’t know what to say.
Hi, Peter — Every adoption situation is different, so there’s no right answer to your question. You’ll need to pay attention to your comfort level and think about what’s right for you. This article may help: https://adoption.com/how-to-approach-a-birth-family-member-youve-just-found Good luck!