"The Choices We Make" - From Birth Mother to Birth Parent Support

First of all, I want to say that I am a birth mom who has been working for American Adoptions since 2003.

I am very confident in my decision to place my son with his adoptive family and have had an unbelievably positive experience with adoption.

I am always available to answer questions, particularly from birth moms, because I have been in your shoes and know some of what you may be feeling.

One of the things that helped me most was having someone I could talk to who would just listen to me without making judgments or conclusions about who I was as a person.

That is one of the reasons I continue to share my story.

I first wrote this story after placing my son, Ryan, for adoption in 1998, and I have continued to update it over the years as our lives have changed.

As you read, you’ll find updates from different stages of my life — becoming a parent myself, watching Ryan grow up through pictures and updates, his 18th birthday, and eventually the day I received the message I had always hoped might come: “Hi, this is Ryan.”

There have been a lot of changes over the years, but one thing has never changed — how much I love Ryan and how thankful I am for adoption and the family I chose for him.

If you would like to talk to me, please call 1-800-ADOPTION (1-800-236-7846) and ask for Michelle, or email me at michelle.d@americanadoptions.com

My Story Begins — 1996

Shawn and I met in high school and began dating the summer before my Junior year. We spent a lot of time together and became very close very quickly.

Our relationship became unhealthy and unstable but I didn’t want to lose him and tried to do everything I could to make it work.

Junior Prom was approaching and I knew there was lot of pressure to take our relationship to the “next level”, as can be for a lot of teen relationships.

Rather than listen to my gut telling me “you can get pregnant” I chose to listen to my heart and felt that maybe having sex would keep him around.

Looking back now I realize I was trying to hold on to someone who was not holding on to me. We thought we were mature enough to take that next step in your relationship, but had no idea what the future would hold or how emotionally attached you can become to someone through a sexual relationship.

By July 1997 we were no longer together. It was difficult for me to move on and let go as he was my first serious boyfriend and the one I lost my virginity to. After about 2 months, I was moving on. Or so I thought….

Finding Out I Was Pregnant

On September 24, 1997, I went to a high school football game and then to Pizza Hut afterward. When I got home, I realized something was seriously wrong.

I walked upstairs to get ready for bed and noticed I was short of breath and swollen underneath my ribs. When I showed my parents, they immediately rushed me to the emergency room thinking I had a tumor. The idea that I could be pregnant never crossed anyone’s mind.

I was really scared at the hospital, especially when they started doing tests and taking my blood. Then the doctor walked into the room. I can still remember shaking not understanding what was going on.

My mom was standing beside me, and my dad was sitting in the chair in front of the bed. The doctor told us the test results showed I was pregnant. I was in shock. I had never cried so hard or felt so ashamed, embarrassed and destroyed inside as I did that day.

I immediately started telling the doctor they had made a mistake. It couldn’t be true. But it was. A follow-up appointment confirmed it again.

There I was, a 17-year-old varsity volleyball and basketball player and three months pregnant.

I kept thinking: How could this be happening to me? What will my friends think of me? Why can’t I take something to make it all just go away? I also thought about Shawn.

We had been broken up for almost two months, he had a new girlfriend, and I was scared. What would he say? But I knew I had no choice. I don’t think I had ever really understood that one decision could have such an impact on so many people around me

Learning to Forgive Myself

I continued playing volleyball with my doctor’s approval and kept my pregnancy a secret from everyone except my parents for about two months. An ultrasound confirmed I was having a little boy. Every night, I would go home and cry, wondering why I had didn’t listen to my gut.

I met with my school principal, counselor and my parents to figure out how I could finish my senior year and graduate with my class.

My school required counseling, if I was going to continue coming in person to school, so that I could also get help dealing with all the emotions I was experiencing. After only a couple of sessions, my self-esteem had already started to improve.

I could think more clearly and had a better understanding of how to move in a forward direction.

One day my counselor said something that completely changed my perspective. She asked me, “You’ve never let yourself make a mistake before, have you?” 

Then she said, “Then why don’t you forgive yourself for making this one?”

She was right. I had never allowed myself to make mistakes, and now I had no choice but to face one head on.

I want to be very clear: My little boy was not a mistake. The decision I made to have sex when I wasn’t prepared for everything that could come with that decision was the mistake.

That conversation was a turning point for me. My counselor had such an impact on my life that I knew I wanted to someday be able to help other women and birth moms the way she was helping me.

Choosing Adoption

Once I could think clearly again, I knew what I had to do. Adoption was the right choice for me. I loved kids, grew up babysitting my cousins, and knew I wanted to be a mom someday, but now was not the time. I was not financially or mentally prepared to raise a child on my own. I knew I wanted more for him then I could provide.

My mom had a close friend she had taught with who had adopted a little girl about a year earlier. Just before I found out I was pregnant, she had told my mom that if she knew anyone pregnant and considering adoption, they hoped to adopt again. The timing seemed perfect. In my eyes, it was a sign.

I called the family, and they were immediately thrilled. They were so excited I think the husband was crying. He had always hoped for a little boy but, more than anything, they just wanted a healthy baby. I couldn’t believe that while my pregnancy felt like such a difficult situation in my life, I was also making another family so incredibly happy. That was the best feeling.

I already knew how they were raising their daughter and knew how they would raise my little boy. Our families had similar lifestyles, beliefs and values. I knew my son would have many of the same opportunities I had growing up — and even more. The decision was made. I had chosen his parents.

Telling Shawn

Now it was time to tell Shawn. I went over to his house and we sat down in the backyard. I started crying and told him the whole story. I was pregnant. He started crying too and didn’t really know what to say.

His initial reaction was to have an abortion as he was in panic mode.

However, I was too far along and knew that was not the option for me regardless.

I explained that I had made the decision to place the baby for adoption, but I wanted to know his opinion. Shawn agreed that adoption was the best thing to do. He wasn’t ready to help raise a child either. Again, we were not dating and had both moved on from our relationship.

My parents were supportive of any decision I made and did mention they would help me raise my son, but I didn’t feel like this was their responsibility.

If I was going to parent then I was going to be able to provide for him on my own and that just wasn’t a possibility. I was willing to do whatever I had to do to make the best out of the situation and do what I believed was right for my child.

His life and his future were what mattered to me, even if I wished that things could have been different. I couldn’t give him everything I wanted to give him, so I had found a family who could.

The adoptive family offered to meet Shawn, but he decided not to. However, he supported my decision, and we stuck together on it.

As more people at school began to find out about my pregnancy, I became nervous about what everyone would think. I was starting to show and the secret was no longer a secret.

Fortunately, my friends and family were very supportive. There were two other girls in my school who were also pregnant at the same time. I was choosing adoption, one was choosing to parent with her boyfriend, and one was going to parent as a single mom.

We all made choices that were right for us.

Preparing for My Son’s Birth

As the months passed, my doctor continued to tell me the baby was healthy. I had only gained about 8 lbs but the doctor assured me that he was growing right on track.

Around my fifth month, I started working through all the paperwork and legal details involved in the adoption. I couldn’t believe how much paperwork went along with adoption, but I was going to do whatever it took to make sure he had the best start in life.

My due date was March 18, 1998. Throughout my pregnancy, I kept a journal.

I started writing in it the day I learned I was pregnant and continued writing after he was born. It is something I would recommend to any birth mom if it feels right for her.

Writing helped me heal, get out my emotions and feel like I had to a place to vent and share whatever was on my mind at the time. I wanted my little boy to someday know what I was doing and thinking while he was growing up.

It Was Time

On February 23rd, three weeks before my due date, I started having sharp pains while sitting in class. I didn’t know what contractions felt like, so I didn’t realize I was in labor.

I thought maybe I didn’t each enough for lunch. When I got home, I told my mom about the pain. She said, “Well, it might be time!” And off we went to the hospital — my mom, my dad and me.

My little boy was going to come early, and I just wanted him to be healthy. It was an emotional ride to the hospital. The pain kept coming and I began to cry.

My mom thought it was due to the contractions, but it was knowing that this little boy I had been carrying for 8 months was about to be here.

I thought I had more time. I was nervous, but he was on his way.

Meeting My Baby Boy

I paged Shawn when we got to the hospital, and he arrived shortly afterward.

Eight hours later, at 2:50 a.m. on February 24, 1998, Bradley Tyson was born.

When they first handed him to me, all I could do was cry. I knew the next 48 hours would be the last time I would get to spend with him before he left with his new family. Our room was filled with friends and family, and Shawn and I spent as much time with Bradley as we could.

Within a few hours, his adoptive parents arrived. They lived in another state and had driven to the hospital to meet their son. They were so excited. And my eyes just filled with tears. There were tears of joy, but there was also so much pain. I had carried this little boy inside me for eight months. We had bonded, and I had grown to love him more than I had ever loved anything in the world. And I knew I was going to have to let him go.

I knew when I chose adoption that this would probably be the most difficult thing I would ever have to do. But I also believed it was the best thing that we could do for him, as his parents. Shawn and I could have given him all the love in the world, but there would not have been stability. We had no future together other than our love for our son. We wanted more for him.

Saying Goodbye, or as I like to say, “See ya later”

Finally, the time came to leave the hospital. Shawn and I went to my house and spent our last hour with our son. After the legal papers were signed, his adoptive parents came to pick up their new little boy. They chose to change his name to Ryan, and that was okay with Shawn and me. It would be the name his parents would call him for the rest of his life.

Then came the moment I had been dreading. I handed my 5-pound, 15-ounce little boy to his adoptive mom. My mom had to help me as I couldn’t let go, even though I knew I needed to. We all cried and hugged. They thanked Shawn and me over and over and promised they would keep in touch and send pictures and letters. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to do, but at the same time, I knew it was the right thing for me to do for him. In my heart, he would always be my little boy and my son, even if someone else was raising him. He forever changed my life for the better. I never knew it was possible to love someone so much.

As they walked out the door, I stood there motionless and watched until they drove out of sight. All I could whisper was: “See ya later. I love you.”

Life After Placement

The next few months and years went by so fast, and Bradley, now known as Ryan, was always with me in my heart. I kept his picture under my pillow and in my wallet so he could come with me wherever life took me.

His family kept their promise to send pictures and letters. Over the years, I was able to see so many of the wonderful things he was doing. He truly was having the life I wanted him to have and even more. He played basketball, baseball and soccer and even tried wrestling. He went boating and jet skiing at his parents’ lake house. He had cousins, aunts, uncles, a sister, and so many friends.

Seeing his smiling face in pictures constantly reassured me that adoption was the best decision for him. I never had doubts about placing him as I knew the family could provide for him in a way that I someday hoped to as well. My role was now to accomplish the goals that I had so he could some day be proud of me. He was truly my motivation to be the best version of myself.

I was very fortunate to have so much support through my counselor, school, friends and family. It was because of that support that I was eventually able to talk to others about adoption and share my story. I continued writing in my journal to Ryan. I hoped that someday, if we met again, he would be able to read it and know that every moment we were apart, I loved him and thought about him.

I will forever be grateful to his parents for giving their son and my little boy everything in life that I had always dreamed of giving him.

Ryan, I will love you always and forever.

— Michelle, Proud Birth Mom

2010 Update: Becoming a Parent

Today Ryan is 12 years old, and wow, time has gone by so fast.

In November 2008, I got married, and this past June my husband and I had our first child, Callie.

When I first found out I was pregnant with Callie, I had so many emotions. I was nervous, excited and scared, and I constantly wondered how this pregnancy would be similar-to or different from my pregnancy with Ryan. A lot of thoughts and feelings from my adoption experience came back.

Then I became a parent. Parenting Callie gave me an entirely new perspective and appreciation for adoption. I used to tell other birth moms that I could have raised Ryan and he would have been just fine. I still believe I could have loved him with everything I had, but now I realize more than ever how hard it would have been to do it on my own at 17.

Parenting is an absolute dream, but it is also the hardest job I have ever had. I would not have been able to provide for Ryan financially, emotionally and physically without a lot of help from my parents. Shawn had moved forward in his life, got married and had 2 children of his own. We would not have been what was best for Ryan.

Choosing adoption for Ryan was the most difficult decision I have ever made, but becoming a parent made me even more positive that I made the best decision for him.

I know he has the family he was meant to be with. I never realized that I still needed some closure from my adoption decision until I had my daughter. I am at peace with the decision I made at 17.

I love Ryan and Callie, and Callie will grow up knowing about her half-brother. I hope they will someday be able to meet whenever Ryan is ready and wants to.

2014 Update: Our Family Grows

Life has a way of throwing a lot of challenges at us to see what we can handle.

Since my last update, our family has had plenty of ups and downs — health issues, postpartum depression and anxiety, financial struggles and all the other things life can bring. Through it all, one thing has always remained: I love being a mom to Callie and a birth mom to Ryan.

Callie is now a sweet, funny and sassy 4-year-old, and this year she became a big sister to Makenzie. After having Makenzie, I realized that postpartum depression was something very real that I had experienced after Callie was born. I knew what postpartum depression was, but I didn't recognize it while it was happening to me. Fortunately, I did not experience it again this time around.

By the way, everyone was right — parenting two kids is way more difficult than parenting one! Yet again, I find myself loving all the ups and downs, the good times and the tough times. Parenthood is a challenge, and I am glad I waited to face that challenge until I was ready. I am constantly reminded why trying to parent Ryan at 17 would not have been the right decision for me or for him. Ryan, Callie and Makenzie deserve the best.

Ryan is still very much a part of our home. We have pictures of him, and I have a birthstone necklace with his birthstone alongside the girls’ birthstones. All three of my kids are with me always.

I still write in my journal to Ryan and look forward to the update I receive each year. He is almost 17 now, and I am so proud of the young man he has become. His mom and dad are the most loving parents I could have asked for.

To Ryan’s parents, I say:

THANK YOU!

Thank you for taking the most important job in life — parenting — and giving it everything you have. Ryan is who he is because of you and because of the love you have shown him.

He is lucky to have you, just as I am lucky to have found you for him.

Update: Ryan Turned 18

Today, as I sit and think about how fast time goes by, so many memories fill my mind. There were memories from the past and memories yet to come.

Ryan turned 18 last year. Birthdays had never been super emotional days for me, but his 18th birthday was different. It was such a huge milestone. He was officially an adult. I allowed myself to be sad and took some time to myself that day to think about him and everything that had happened over those 18 years. I have learned that it is okay to have a tough day.

Ryan is a part of me and will always have a part of my heart no matter how old he gets. Time helps the heart to heal, but my love for him will remain forever.

Ryan is now 19 and just finished his first year of college. Holy cow — how is it possible that I could have an adult child?

Callie is 7, Makenzie is almost 3, Chris and I are still married and going strong, and I still love providing support and working with the birth moms and families we help at American Adoptions. I sure am lucky!

Birth moms often ask me: “Since Ryan is now 19, are you going to go find him?” My answer is always the same: “No. That is his choice.” Although I would love to meet him, I want it to be on his terms. His parents know I am available and more than willing to have whatever relationship with him that he wants, but I will never force that relationship on him. From everything I know about Ryan, he is smart, kind, loving, giving, athletic and just an all-around good kid. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

The girls continue to hear his name and see pictures in our home. Callie includes him when she talks about her family at school, and Makenzie says his name when she points to his birthstone on my necklace.

No matter what the future holds, I believe in my heart that Ryan knows and has always known that we love him. I am here for him and if that day comes when he wants to reach out, I am only a phone call away.

We love you, Ryan, and you are one amazing young MAN!

2024 Update: “Hi, This Is Ryan”

Wow, how life has changed. Ryan graduated from college, started his career and even lived in a few different states. But the biggest change happened in 2021. Ryan reached out to me. His mom had always had my number and knew I was open to any contact Ryan might want someday. Then one day I looked at my phone and saw: “Hi, this is Ryan.” I could not believe it.

Deep down, I had always felt like it would happen at some point, but OMG, the range of emotions I felt when I saw that message is something I will never forget. I was happy, excited and nervous. I was seconds from tears of joy. And at the same time, I was thinking: Now what? What do I do? What do I say? I do this for a living! I had spent almost 20 years helping families and birth parents with their relationships, and now I was completely frozen. Luckily, after a few deep breaths, I remembered that he was probably nervous too.

So I responded and from that moment on we stayed in touch.

Getting to Know Each Other

For the first year or so, we got to know each other better through texting, sharing letters and photos, and just taking things slowly. I did not want to rush him at all. I was completely open to meeting him, but I wanted it to be on his terms and when he was ready to open that door. I would sometimes wonder if I was texting too often, so I usually let him reach out first, other than a “Happy Easter” or “Merry Christmas” message with a photo. There was no rule book for what this new connection should look like.

I knew the best thing to do was “go with the flow.” If you know me, you know that is not something I am great at! But I needed to do it because this was still about Ryan.

The Question I Had Waited Years to Hear

After that first year or so, Ryan reached out and asked if we could meet in person. Of course, I said yes! I was on vacation at the time, so I told him I would reach out as soon as I got home. I assumed he meant we might get together sometime in the next couple of months. Then I found out he had a new job. And had moved to the area where I lived. Wow, this was really happening. Not only that, but he wanted to meet that same week. Again, without hesitation, my answer was: “YES! Let’s do it!”

Meeting Ryan “Again”

A few days later, he came to my house.

The moments leading up to seeing him in person for the first time since he was a baby were filled with anxiety, happiness, nervousness and just overall excitement. My daughter, Makenzie, was fanning me as I was pacing the room by the windows to our driveway. Then I saw him pull in. He walked up to the door, came inside and we hugged for what felt like forever. Then something happened that I wasn’t expecting. I felt this incredible sense of peace and calm.

My husband was ready for the moment and managed to take a picture of us hugging. It is a picture I will treasure forever. The whole visit was surreal but also more comfortable than I could have ever imagined. We knew so much about each other and at the same time still had so much to learn. My girls were excited to finally meet this guy named Ryan who they had heard about their whole lives. Makenzie showed off all her gymnastics moves — even though she doesn’t even take gymnastics! Callie asked him, “Do you eat mac and cheese with a fork or a spoon?” It’s a funny inside joke in our house, and it turned out to be a great conversation starter. There was never a dull moment. It was a day I will cherish forever.

I always thought there was nothing like that first moment when you hold your child after birth. This moment was just as special.

Building Our Relationship

Over the next few years, we got together every few months whenever our schedules allowed.

He is a young guy in his 20s. He has weddings, work, friends and his own life, and I wanted to continue giving him the space and time to connect more as he was ready. This was still a new relationship, and I wanted to respect that.

During this time, I also stayed in touch with his mom and dad. If it were not for their support and love for Ryan and his desire to reach out, this may not have happened or been so successful. His mom and dad are truly two of the best people I have ever met. It is always important to me that they know how much I cherish them as his parents and how much I respect and appreciate his love for them. His entire family is truly a gift to me.

We Continue to Grow Together

Ryan is now 26, and over the past few months we have been getting together more often.

He has attended my daughter’s volleyball games. We have watched him play volleyball. He has met more members of my family and my husband’s family, including my parents and nephew, and there are plans for him to meet even more. This entire experience has been a dream come true. It has lifted a weight off my shoulders that I didn’t even know I was carrying all these years.

I have always felt so strongly about my decision to place Ryan with his family. But meeting him filled a missing piece of my life that I didn’t even know I needed filled. I had always carried him in my heart. He had always been part of our family and part of our conversations. I loved him from day one, and I never stopped. But my goodness, being able to give him a hug and spend time with him has brought a comfort and peace that words cannot fully explain. He is such a genuine, kind and fun guy, and I continue to be so proud of the man he is. I look forward to what the future holds!

Where We Are Today (2026)

Ryan is 28 and counting. We continue to keep in touch, see each other regularly and have even been on a family vacation together.

He joined my family on a week-long trip and it was such a blessing for him to meet all of my siblings, their kids, my parents again and just really all be together.

He fit right in as though he had been there all along. Having him in our life continues to one of the best gifts I could ever ask for.

Recently, I was able to take my family to have lunch with his parents, sister and niece. I had not seen his parents since he was a baby and had never met his sister or niece that I had heard so much about.

That experience really made everything come full circle. We were all together having lunch, chatting about adoption, life and where we were now. It was as if time didn’t skip a beat.

Once again, how lucky am I? Our two families were connected by such a difficult moment in my life and yet it is one I would not trade for anything in the world because it was meant to be! Ryan will always have two families filled with love for him!

Looking Back — And Looking Forward

I always thought, “It will happen when the time is right.”

For me, it did.

And I can tell you — it was worth the wait!

I also know my story is just that — my story.

Not every birth parent will have the same experience I have had. Not every adoption relationship will look like mine, and not every birth parent and child will reconnect later in life. Every birth parent, child and adoptive family has their own story and their own journey.

That is something I have learned both personally and through the work I have been lucky enough to do for so many years.

More than 25 years after placing Ryan for adoption, I am still passionate about supporting birth parents wherever they are in their journey — whether they are just considering adoption, preparing for placement, working through the emotions afterward, or figuring out what their relationship may look like years down the road.

I also love helping adoptive families understand open adoption and all the good that can come from these relationships.

Openness can look different for every family, and relationships can change over time, but there can be so much love, connection and understanding when everyone approaches those relationships with patience, respect and care.

If sharing my story helps even one birth parent feel less alone, or helps an adoptive family better understand the love a birth parent can have for their child, then I am thankful to keep sharing it.

Ryan changed my life when I was 17 years old, and he continues to be a part of who I am today.

I carried him in my heart all those years, and now I have the amazing gift of having him in my life too.

I will always be thankful for his mom and dad, for the life they have given him, and for the opportunity I now have to know the amazing man he has become.

I loved him from the very beginning. I never stopped. And I can’t wait to see what the future holds!

— Michelle

How to Contact Me

If you would like to talk to me please call 1-800-Adoption and ask for Michelle or e-mail me at michelle.d@americanadoptions.com

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