How Do I Tell the Birth Father About My Adoption Plan?
Methods of Telling Him and When You Don't Have to Tell Him
Some women choosing adoption are unsure of whether to, and if so, how to talk to the birth father about placing the child for adoption. Listed below are three ways to tell him – each with their own pros and cons:
1. Talk to the birth father in person or by telephone
If possible, directly speaking to the birth father is the best way of informing him of your adoption plan. This way, you can inform him delicately and answer any of his questions about your adoption plan or the adoption process.
You can also tell him about the benefits of adoption and how he too can be involved in your adoption plan or can even create his own birth father adoption plan.
2. Write a letter or email to the birth father
Sometimes it is easier or necessary (for a variety of reason) for the birth mother to tell the birth father about her adoption plan by writing him a letter or email.
If you choose this approach, be careful to spend some time thinking about how you want to tell him. Be honest with him and as descriptive as possible. Explain why you are choosing adoption, why you believe adoption is best for your baby, what the next steps of the adoption process are, and what kind of relationship you are seeking with the adoptive family.
Be sure to choose your words carefully, so your thoughts are accurately conveyed in the letter.
3. Have Your Adoption Specialist or attorney talk to the birth father on your behalf
If you are not comfortable speaking with the birth father, your Adoption Specialist or adoption attorney may be able to talk to him for you, depending on your state’s laws.
Before contacting the birth father, your Adoption Specialist or attorney may talk to you about him and about your adoption plan. He or she will then talk to the birth father about your adoption plan and his rights moving forward, and will offer the opportunity to create his own adoption plan.
When You Do Not Have to Tell the Father of Your Pregnancy
The law in many states does not require a woman to advise a man of her pregnancy. If the father is abusive, she may have reason to fear telling him. A woman may also be uncomfortable advising a man that she is pregnant, considering adoption, and is unsure of whether he is the father.
While the law does not require you to tell the father of your pregnancy, the law prohibits you from lying to him about your pregnancy or the baby in any way, including especially the expected due date. So, if the birth father asks you if you are pregnant and when the baby is due by email, text, Facebook, Twitter, etc., you must either tell him the truth or ask your Adoption Specialist or your attorney to give him truthful information.
If the birth father asks questions about a possible pregnancy, know that you have a right to financial support from him during the pregnancy. You can request it, but don’t make a request if it will endanger you. Let your Adoption Specialist or attorney make the request for financial support if you are afraid of him.
If the father offers you financial support, talk to your Adoption Specialist about it. State laws vary with respect to the effect of such financial support.
An Adoption Specialist can help you with any method of telling the birth father about your adoption plan. Whether you want to tell him in person, in a letter or on the phone, your Adoption Specialist can coach you on how best to approach it.
Call 1-800-ADOPTION to talk to an Adoption Specialist about telling the birth father about your adoption plan, or read the following to request free adoption information.
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