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Questions to Ask Adoptive Parents and Tips When Meeting Them

Things to Do, Say and Avoid

If you are interested in getting to know your baby’s adoptive family before the adoption, the first conference call or in-person meeting may at first feel a little intimidating. This is very common and natural.

Many prospective birth mothers and adoptive parents compare the first phone call or meeting to a first date, with similar exciting yet uncomfortable feelings as both parties search for similar interests. However, while you may be nervous to talk to or meet an adoption family for the first time, this is also an exciting opportunity for you to ask any questions you have and confirm whether or not they’re the right parents for your child.

Most times, your first conversation with adoptive parents will take place through a conference call or in-person meeting. Here is a description of both kinds of contact and what to expect when you meet couples that want to adopt:

  • Conference Call: We refer to your first phone call with adoptive parents as a “conference call” because your adoption specialist will connect both you and the adoptive family over the phone and will be present on the phone call. For the most part, she will not be involved in the phone call unless there are any lulls in the conversation. Conference calls are usually the first contact you will have with the adoptive family, but some adoption relationships may begin with an in-person meeting.

  • Meeting: A meeting before the birth of your baby, sometimes referred to as a “pre-placement meeting,” is another way for you to get to know the adoptive parents. They will travel to your location, where you will likely have lunch or dinner together to discuss yourselves and the upcoming adoption. You may even tour the hospital during their visit. Your adoption specialist may or may not be there with you at the meeting. If she isn’t present, she will help you prepare in advance for what kind of questions to ask adoptive parents and what to expect.

Remember, even before this first conversation, you will have already “met” the adoptive parent(s) through their adoptive family video profile. This will help you know them a little better prior to the phone call or meeting and will allow you to prepare some interview questions to ask adoptive parents.

Here are some additional tips to further help you get to know the adoptive family, as well as some questions to ask prospective adoptive families when meeting them.

Good Questions to Ask Adoptive Parents

While you probably have a lot of questions about your baby’s potential adoptive parents, it can be difficult to determine the best questions to ask an adoptive mother or father. If you are feeling nervous, it may be helpful to create a list of possible questions to ask prospective adoptive parents ahead of time. Your adoption specialist can also provide some suggestions and help you prepare for what to expect when you meet an adoption family for the first time.

To help you get started, here are a few questions to ask potential adoptive parents: 

Introductory Questions to Ask an Adoptive Family:

  • How did you initially meet?

  • How would you describe your personalities?

  • How would you describe your relationship? What qualities do you admire in each other?

  • What is your neighborhood, school system and community like?

  • Do you have close relationships with any extended family members?

  • What are some of your favorite family traditions? Do you have any special family events or reunions?

  • What holidays do you celebrate? What are some of your favorite holiday traditions?

  • What were your childhoods like? Do you have any favorite childhood memories or stories?

  • What are your hobbies and interests? What do you like to do in your free time?

  • Do you have any pets?

  • Do you have any other children? Do you think my child will have siblings in the future?

  • What do you do for work? Do you like your job?

  • What are your work schedules like? Have you made plans for childcare?

  • Are you religious? What are your values and your beliefs? How do you plan to share those with my child?

  • How important is education and learning in your home? What kind of education do you plan to provide for this child?

  • What types of activities and interests are you excited to share with a child?

Adoption Questions to Ask the Adoptive Parents:

  • How did you know you wanted to become parents? What made you choose adoption?

  • Has adoption affected your lives? Do you know anyone who was adopted, adopted a child or placed a child for adoption?

  • How do you plan to talk about adoption with this child? How do you plan to talk about me?

  • What is your parenting style like? What kind of parents do you think you will be?

  • What kind of relationship do you want to have with me after the adoption? What types of contact are you willing to have?

  • Have you had any experiences with open adoption?

As you can see, not all of the adoption interview questions you ask have to be directly related to the adoption. In fact, it’s often best to start with some of the more open-ended questions to ask adoptive parents about their relationship, daily lives and interests before talking in more depth about their adoption plans and goals. Asking these types of casual interview questions for adoptive parents can help you all break the ice and feel more comfortable before discussing the details of the adoption.

It’s also okay if you don’t get to all of your questions to ask adoptive parents during that first conversation. If you feel good about the family after your first call with them, you can continue to get to know them during your pregnancy and adoption process! It may be helpful to write down your top 10 questions to ask adoptive parents before your first call so you don’t forget to get the answers that are most important to you.

Questions Not to Ask Adoptive Parents

Just as there are many good questions to ask adoptive parents, there are also some questions and topics to avoid during your initial phone call or meeting. Here are some suggestions to keep in mind as you get to know prospective adoptive families:

  • Avoid focusing on infertility issues the family has faced. This can be a very sad topic, as many adoptive families have spent years trying to become a mom and dad. It is important for you to know they have been through a lot and want to be parents. They will be forever grateful for the gift of parenthood you are giving to them.

  • Avoid planning a phone call or meeting when your day is busy and you aren’t able to block off extra time. If the call or meeting is going well, you may find that you’d like to talk longer than you anticipated.

  • Avoid making promises or agreeing to anything before you have had time to reflect. Say that you’ll definitely consider their ideas but would like some time to think about them and to talk with your adoption specialist.

  • Avoid asking too many detailed questions at first. While you might just be making conversation, it can come across as invasive. It’s a good idea to start by talking a little about yourself — the adoptive parents want to get to know you, too!

  • Avoid bringing anyone to the meeting who is unsupportive of your adoption plan. This will only make everyone feel uncomfortable. Later on, you can introduce people who you think are more accepting of adoption to the adoptive family of your baby.

If you’re ever unsure about what questions to ask an adoptive family and what questions to avoid, you can always run them by your adoption specialist first.

Talking with Adoptive Parents About Yourself

Finally, remember that the prospective adoptive parents are excited to get to know you as well — they are probably just as curious, nervous and hopeful about this phone call or meeting as you are. Don’t be afraid to talk about yourself and share your goals and plans for your baby as you meet couples that want to adopt. Here are some tips to keep in mind as you interact with the adoptive family:

  • Tell them about your hobbies, your family, your interests and personality.

  • If you’re comfortable, talk about your pregnancy, doctor’s appointments and how you’re feeling.

  • If you’re nervous, you may want to make a list of interesting things to share about yourself ahead of time.

  • Talk to your adoption specialist for more information about what to expect and questions the adoptive family may have for you.

  • Remember that you don’t have to talk about any subjects that you don’t want to.

The main thing to remember is that it is OK to feel nervous — this is a big step in your life, and choosing the right adoptive family is very important. As you meet potential families to adopt your baby, make sure you ask all of the adoption interview questions you are interested in knowing to ensure you have chosen the right adoptive family for your baby.

There are many questions to consider when looking for adoptive families — and we know that this can be an overwhelming decision to make. Remember, your adoption specialist is always available for support. Call her any time at 1-800-ADOPTION.

Information available through these links is the sole property of the companies and organizations listed therein. America Adoptions, Inc. provides this information as a courtesy and is in no way responsible for its content or accuracy.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Why is American Adoptions the right adoption agency choice for many birth mothers?

American Adoptions is one of the largest licensed adoption agencies in the United States. Each year, we work with thousands of women who are facing an unplanned pregnancy and offer assistance to these women. Our large, caring staff is able to assist you seven days a week and provide you with one-on-one counseling about your pregnancy and available options.

You should choose an adoption agency where you feel completely comfortable with their services and staff. With American Adoptions, you will work with an Adoption Specialist who is on-call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The Adoption Specialist will be your advocate and will provide support and guidance as you create an adoption plan that is right for you.

How will the family tell my child about me and the adoption when my child is older?

Each family has their own style of introducing adoption to the child. When you are matched with an adoptive family, you can ask them this question. If you would like your Adoption Specialist to discuss it for you, just let her know. He or she can share your wishes or provide good ideas from other adoptive families.

You will also be able to share what you want your baby to know about you. You can complete a keepsake booklet to share hobbies, stories, photos of you and your family and a letter to your baby. The adoptive family can provide this to your child as he or she grows older. Be as creative as you like! Some birth mothers have even knitted a special blanket as a gift to their baby or given a similar symbol of their love.

The father of your baby can fill out the birth father's keepsake booklet or write a letter too. You may have other family members who would also like to share photos or a letter to the baby. This is your opportunity to pass on your and your family's love and to share your personality, history and reasons for choosing adoption. The adoptive family will treasure whatever information you provide and will share it with the baby at an appropriate age. In most adoptive homes, the word adoption is in the child's vocabulary early on, and adoption is celebrated in their lives.

Additional Resources

Teen Pregnancy - Information for Young Women

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