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BOARD: Discussions for Women who are Pregnant » Couldn't Find Your Topic? Post a Message Here.

TOPIC: Bittersweet Love

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Posted By Message
BonitaPosted: Jun 23, 2007 06:05:45 PM
July 28...every year since I last saw my daughter, and I have to keep reminding myself she's not my daughter. She'll be 24 this year. Part of me hopes she'll look for me, not because of any great need on her part, I just hope for curiosity. I want to hear that her life has been grand, full of love and stability. I want to know she's a success and happy. I want to hear I did the right thing by giving her to her parents. These are things I have to tell myself, all the time. But I see that little face as I held her. I can hear the nurse telling me, "Don't cry...this is what she'll remember of you." I stifled the sobs and cooed soothingly to my baby girl who I still call Angela. I know that's not her name...I know, I know, I know, but inside, it hurts, will always hurt. Making this choice was the hardest thing I've ever done and the most loving. It takes a tremendous amount of love to recognize that my arms, at that time in my life, was not the best place for my baby. And to act on that realization, going against my heart's pleading, took more courage than I thought I had. I did this for her, and whatever sorrow it caused me, the pain I feel is worth the happiness I hope I gave her and her parents. I've made a commitment to myself that I wouldn't be the one to initiate contact. I feel it would be an intrusion if she wasn't ready, so I wait, and will wait forever if need be. But July is always a difficult month, and every year I wonder if this is the year. I hope she lets me hold her, I hope she forgives my tears. I want to see her face, to put my hand on her cheek and look into her eyes, but most of all, I want to see her smile.



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