Adoption and Infertility

Having a baby - it is something that seems so easy.

However, each year millions of couples face difficulty in conceiving a child. While some are able to succeed with the aid of infertility treatments, others find themselves wondering if becoming a parent simply isn't in their destiny.

The truth is, infertility is found across the world, in every country, state and city. According to the National Women's Health Resource Center (NWHRC), approximately 6.1 million couples in the United States - or 10 percent of all couples of childbearing age - have had difficulty conceiving.

For many couples, infertility is an invisible loss - one that is very personal and oftentimes is not understood by friends and family. All too often, couples merely hide their sorrow, pushing it out of their thoughts, going on with their normal day-to-day routine. However, it is important that couples do not minimize or overlook their feelings. Feelings of anger, hurt, disappointment and loss are normal emotional reactions to infertility, and should not be dismissed.

While adoption can be a wonderful avenue for couples facing infertility to make their dreams of parenthood come true, it is important that they first process their emotions regarding their infertility. Couples need to make a conscious move from their first choice of raising a biological child, to their next choice, of growing a family through adoption. If a couple is not able to distinguish between the need to have a baby and the need to parent, then they may not be ready to pursue adoption. Likewise, it also is not advisable that couples continue infertility treatments while pursuing adoption. Just as the pursuit to become pregnant is one that many couples devote themselves fully to, couples pursuing and adoption plan must also be prepared to fully devote themselves to the adoption process.

Moving from infertility to adoption

When dealing with infertility, there are typically five stages of loss that a couple may experience. Each of these emotions is normal and is a healthy way of processing the emotional ups and downs of infertility. It is also a healthy way of ensuring that a couple is ready to pursue an adoption plan. Not every couple will experience every stage, and each stage does not necessarily follow one after another. Couples also may experience a stage more than once - all are normal, healthy ways of processing feelings.

Stage 1 - Denial

The denial stage is usually seen when a family is in a state of shock and does not feel feeling surrounding their infertility. They can deny themselves the ability to cry or become angry about the loss. As a result, they do not allow themselves to process their feelings of loss and are therefore never able to fully deal with their grief.

Stage 2 - Anger

Once a person is no longer in denial, they can become angry for the loss. Anger can manifest itself in many ways, including fear, jealousy, envy, guilt, resentment or shame. A person often feels angry towards everyone, including their spouse, coworkers and close friends. This anger can be especially prevalent when they see a parent with a small child or baby, which can make them feel as if life is unfair.

Stage 3 - Bargaining

Many couples facing infertility find themselves believing in the myth that if they begin pursuing adoption, they will become pregnant. While there have been instances when this has happened, the occurrence is rare. Choosing adoption because of a fantasy is not a sound decision, and it may make it harder for couples to fully processes their emotions about their infertility. A couple should not pursue adoption unless they plan on fully devoting themselves to the process.

Stage 4 - Sadness

Many couples feel not just emotional pain, but also physical pain during the sadness stage. They may have low energy and physical complaints. However, these feelings are actually an important step in the grieving process - it signifies that they are moving in a healthy way past the loss. At this stage, many couples find it beneficial to hold a grief ceremony, which could include donating to a children's charity, releasing a balloon, donating flowers at church or planting a tree. It is important to note that the sadness from experiencing infertility may never go away. While there may always be a sense of sadness that the family did not get to experience the pregnancy or bring their biological child into the world, it cannot and should not be something that is overpowering the adoption experience.

Stage 5 - Acceptance

When a couple fully accepts their infertility and processes their emotions regarding the loss, they reach a stage of acceptance. Couples at the acceptance stage look at infertility as a time that was challenging and emotionally difficult, but it no longer consumes them. They see adoption in a positive light and are excited to pursue their adoption plan and begin this next phase of their lives together.

When one spouse is ready to adopt and the other is not

Couples should also recognize that each person grieves differently, and at a different pace. It is very common for one spouse to quickly progress through the grieving process, while the other needs more time to fully process their emotions. Men and women also grieve about different things. For example, women often need time to grieve about the loss of not being able to experience a pregnancy, while men do not recognize this loss.

It is important that each partner has had time to grieve and process their emotions fully before pursuing adoption. Often one partner will be ready to adopt, while the other is not. Despite this fact, the partner goes along with the adoption plan to make the other happy. Couples should discuss their feelings with their partner and be open with them, this will allow each partner to know where the other is in the grieving process. It will also allow a couple to better determine if they are really ready to pursue an adoption plan. If one partner is ready to adopt, but the other is not, then it is best to give the other partner more time to process their feelings. The importance of this emotional healing cannot be understated. Couples who choose adoption must do so because they both have chosen it - adopting a child is an important and profound step in a person's life, and it is a choice that should be made by each spouse, not just one.

There are also many resources available to help couples who may be struggling with their emotions regarding their infertility. Resources include counseling with a social worker or counselor who understands infertility loss and adoption, speaking with others who have also shared the same experience, reading books regarding infertility and adoption and joining a positive support group or network.