My name is Jamie and I am a 27 year old mother of a 4 1/2 year old little boy that lives with me and also a mother to a beautiful 3 month old little boy we named Evan. First, let me say that it has taken me this long to be able to write about my experience.
I became pregnant in June 2004. I was 26 years old and I already had a 4 year old at home. My boyfriend and I had been together for 3 1/2 years at this point. We lived together an loveed each other very, very much and at first were very excited about the news of having a child together. Being together for that long, we of course have been through a lot. When a woman becomes pregnant she has three choices: 1.) to keep the baby and raise it 2.) to have an abortion 3.) place the baby up for adoption. There is always the possibilty of having a miscarriage (not really a choice). Well, when I became pregnant this last time I had gone through it all. I have had a child and chose to raise it; I have had a miscarriage and an abortion. All pregnancies have been my boyfriend's children, so when we found out we were pregnant this time it was a very confusing time.
I mentioned that we lived together and were trying to raise a 4 year old at the time. We were both working full time. We were making pretty good money but when it came down to figuring everything out we realized we were living paycheck to paycheck. With the rent, car, insurances, utility bills, not to mention food and gas we just couldn't afford the necessities for a baby, but we still wanted to keep him no matter what we had to do.
In the beginning we bagan fighting a lot because of all the financial responsiblities and stress of the pregnancy. I started thinking of all my options. I mentioned adoption to him and he completely refuse to give "HIS" child to strangers, so I thought it was out of the question. I decided to find out more about adoption without my boyfriend knowing. I went onto the internet and found American Adoptions. I was 4 months pregnant at that point. I was connected to an Adoption Specialist named Laurie Walker, who, from the very moment I spoke to her, I felt comfortable opening up to her about my situation but I still was very confused. Laurie began to explain the Adoption process to me and said that she would send me out some information to look through. The next week I received the information and profiles of families and I cried the whole time and put it away and never thought of it again. There was no way I could give my child to people I didn't know.
Over the next couple of months my boyfriend and I continued to argue that I actually made an appointment at the Doctor to terminate my pregnancy. I told my boyfriend about it and he decided to go with me. We arrived at the clinic and I saw all the girls there who could care less about what they were about to do. I kept having second thoughts the whole time I was there. I was being questioned by a nurse when my boyfriend, who fought off a security guard to get back to where I was, took my hand and said "We are leaving, I can't let you do this again." So we left. We went back to being happy about the baby and we were determined to do whatever we could to keep this child. We went back home.
Things were okay for a while then I contacted Laurie again because all this time I knew in my heart that we couldn't give this child everything he deserved. I was in major denial. I told her that I looked at the profiles and I didn't like any of them that I saw. Laurie then sent me out more profiles of families. My boyfriend and I started arguing a lot again and I became very, very depressed and actually went into the hospital. It was then that my boyfriend and I started being adults about this and discussed what was best for everyone.
He still didn't want to discuss adoption. I was now 8 months pregnant. January 17, 2005 I called Laurie again and I told her that I made the decision myself and knew that the best thing for my child was to give him an opportunity of a normal life. It was then she told me about this couple that has tried fertility and adoption several times. They were the same nationality and religion as my boyfriend and I and they were financially and emotionally stable. It was then and there that I chose them to parent my child. Laurie contacted the adoptive couple on a Friday and didn't hear back until Monday. She then called m eup and told me how excited they were. They were from the same state we were from (actually only an hour away). Laurie asked me if my boyfriend and I would be comfortable talking to them on the phone. I said I would give it a shot but my boyfriend wanted no part of it. That Wednesday Laurie called me with the adoptive parents on the other line. At first I was very upset and scared. After about 15 minutes I started to feel a little more comfortable. To my surprise my boyfriend wanted to get on the phone! He started talking to the Adoptive father (like a man to man conversation). My boyfriend talked to them for about a half an hour. After the conversation was over we decided to have lunch together. It was then that my boyfriend said that "he loves me and loves our child and only wants the best for everyone". It was then that he decided to be a part of this Adoption Plan for our child.
Then Laurie called me the next day to set a date to meet the Adoptive parents for lunch. We decided on that Wednesday. It was that night that I began making a memory book for my child when he is older. I put a picture of myself, my boyfriend, my son, my mother, my brother and beside the pictures I listed some of our favorite things, where we were born, etc., so he would know a little aobut his "birthfamily" when he asks. I also had everyone in my family write him a letter. At the end I wrote him a letter explaining to him why I made this decision for his life. I thought that was the hardest thing in the world for me but little did I know.
My boyfriend and I went to lunch with the Adoptive parents and I honestly had a very comforting feeling when we were all sitting there together. We all couldn't stop crying. This is when we presented them with the book that I made and my mother made a blanket for the baby also. The Adoptive mother cried and promised she would share this with our son when he gets older.
My due date was my boyfriend's birthday, March 16, 2005. It was now the middle of February and I started having "pains". I went to the doctor and they told me that I was 2 cm dilated. I kept going back and forth to the hospital for a week in pain but he wasn't ready to come out yet. Finally, February 27, 2005 I was at the store with my mom and my son when I felt a little leakage. Then the pain became more intense. I went hom and it was then that I knew it was happening and I wanted to stop it from happening. I knew that it would all be over soon and I wasn't ready. My mom drove me to the hospital and my boyfriend left work and met me there. They admitted me at 5:30 pm. I called Laurie and she called the Adoptive parents. They got in the car right away to come to the hospital. After 3 hours of contractions and a half an hour of pushing, my beautiful little boy made his way into this world. He was the most special and beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on. They let my boyfriend and I hold our son but then had to take him because he had to go into the ICU because he was born with jaundice and had to be under the lights. After they got got me to my room I immediatly went down to be with my son. I stayed by his side 24 hours a day. I never left him. It was then I started to have second thoughts. I wanted to take my baby home. As I sat there watching him hour after hour for two days I knew what I had to do. My family kept asking me why I was always around him because I was making it harder for myself, but I couldn't leave my son, he needed me and I needed that time with him. The day came when they were going to discharge me from the hospital but our son had to stay two more days in the ICU. That morning my boyfriend and I took our son into a private room for two hours to have some alone time together. I was in no way prepared for this. I could not stop crying. I would not say good-bye though, I told my son that "I would not say good-bye, I would say I will see you later." At 9:30 am I had to kiss my son and give him to the nurse. As my boyfriend and I gave our hospital bracelets to the nurse so the Adoptive parents could now have them, I collapsed. I couldn't walk out of the hospital without my baby.
As hard as it was for me, my boyfriend and family was very supportive. My boyfriend and I cried together and were in pain together for the loss of our son. It is now three months later and my boyfriend and I are still together trying to support each other through this difficult time. There has not been one day that I don't think about our son, Evan. We honor him by lighting a candle for him the 27th of every month and we have pictures od him all over our house. He is and will always be a very big part of our lives but as my boyfriend said to me "for the first time we made a selfless decision and gave our child the opportunity of a life and when he comes back to us one day we will have made our lives so much better and he will know that this was not for nothing." I live by that everyday, I want to make sure my son is proud of me and that is what gets me through everyday.
We receive pictures and letters from the Adoptive parents and we can send letters to them as well. This whole part of my life seems so surreal but I am trying to cope as best as I can. I would like to thank Laurie for being there for me and being so supportive and concerned with my feelings. American Adoptions really does care about the best interest of you and your baby and I am so grateful for finding Laurie and being able to say that she also had a part in giving my child the life he deserves. Thank you Laurie and American Adoptions for making my adoption experience as comfortable as possible and thank you for your concern with my wishes and feelings. This is my only adoption experience but I don't think it could have been handled any better than it was. Thank you.
And to my baby boy, Even...Mommy loves you and will see you soon!!
If there are other women out there that would like to talk to me about my experience they can email me at email@example.com.
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